Secret Garden Party 2011

31st July 2011

I went to Secret Garden Party last weekend (July 21–24) and had an incredibly good time. Secret Garden Party is a fairly small but excellent music/art festival in Huntingdon, near Cambridge. The lineup included Blondie, Leftfield, I Am Kloot, Guillemots, Alabama 3, and Joana and The Wolf.

I went on my own and didn’t end up lying naked, face down, in a ditch (as predicted). Neither did I end up sitting alone in a big field, sobbing (although it was a near-run thing).

The idea was to climb over the fence as the festival was sold out and I didn’t want to pay silly eBay prices. This idea quickly disappeared when I saw the height of the fence. Fortunately, I was able to purchase a ticket from a girl with whom I shared a cab from the train station. She also advised me that security was very strict—they would be checking bags—and that glass bottles and spirits would not be allowed. This didn’t bode well for me, as I was carrying two bottles of Scotch and a massive hunting knife. Please note: I didn’t have the knife because I’m a mad knifeman or anything; I had it because Ray Mears and Crocodile Dundee reckon you need one to survive in the woods. Anyway, wisely, I decided to drink as much of one bottle in the cab as possible, stash it at the bottom of my bag along with the knife, and hope for the best. The other bottle I decided to stuff down my pants. What I didn’t realise is that there would be a massive walk after the cab ride to actually get to the main doors. I do like a nice countryside amble, but not with a heavy rucksack, half a bottle of Scotch inside me, and another bottle of Scotch stuffed down my pants, aggravating my cock and balls.

As luck would have it, security let me straight through. Possibly because I was very drunk and appeared to have a huge erection.

I stayed up until dawn every day, going to bed at about 7 a.m. and getting up again two hours later at 9 a.m. (this is normal behaviour for me at festivals). I saw lots of bands and DJs and did a lot of dancing. The highlight bands for me were Joana and the Wolf, Molotov Jukebox, and Leftfield. Some of the DJs were brilliant too—although I can’t remember their names—and played a selection of obscure ska, hip-hop, and drum & bass music. I seem to remember dancing away to “The Soft Parade” by The Doors in the Badger Tent at 3 a.m. while the rain was lashing down. Happy as a pig in shit.

The dress code was pretty much anything goes, and there was a lot to see and do as this was more than just a music festival; there were all manner of arts, crafts, and activities to take part in—fun for the whole family. I particularly liked the “healing area.” They grabbed a drunk man who was staggering past, so that they could help him. He was promptly sick, fell over, and started pissing and shitting himself. God bless those healing hands…