Tom’s Top Halloween Jokes

With Halloween just around the corner, I thought it might be nice to share with you some of my favourite Halloween jokes you can play this year. Fun for all the family!

1. Go to an expensive chain super market and have a wank in the vegetable isle. When the security guard arrives to escort you out, complain that all the fruit is crushed and bruised.

2. Get a friend with a nut allergy to unwittingly play Russian roulette with a packet of M&M’s by mixing in peanut flavoured ones with the usual ones. They will laugh for days afterwards.

3. Go to the toilet at work and smear yourself in excrement. Return to your desk as if nothing is amiss and continue work as usual. This will make you the office comedian for years to come.

4. Set fire to the local pet shop.

5. Go to Brixton and pretend to be a ghost by dressing up in a pointed white sheet with eye holes cut out. For added scary effect, carry a burning torch. Everyone will appreciate this gesture.

6. Buy some boiled sweets, unwrap them and stick them up your bum. Then poo them back out and wrap them up again one-by-one. Offer them out to children when they come trick-or-treating and see the delight in their faces.

7. Push your grandad down the stairs.

8. Cover your face in flour, go to your best mate’s house at midnight and tap on the window until they open the door – then when they do, shine a torch in your face and claim to be a ghost. When they demand to know what the fuck is going on, slash their face with a razor blade that has been soaked in piss.

9. Kill your entire family and bury them in the garden, then go to the police station and confess. They will either assume you’ve pulled a funny Halloween prank on them and laugh at your hilarity, or take you seriously and get a massive shock when they realise you’re telling the truth. Win/win gag, this – bloody funny either way.

10. Go to a tough working class pub – I’d recommend The Star of Bethnal Green or The George in Camberwell. Sit at the bar and during conversation, casually mention that this is the first time you’ve had a drink since being released from the nonse wing at Pentonville Prison. If you’re feeling extra cheeky for extra comedy, ask if their are any primary schools nearby.