I thought it might be nice to write a brief and modest blog post, highlighting some of my many achievements. Being a humble man, I won’t dwell on any of these for too long, but will simply list the most important. Most of these accomplishments can be found online for anyone who wants to Google them and find out more (although I’m certain that most of you search for my name on a regular basis anyway). It’s nice being famous.
With a list of good deeds as widespread as mine, it’s hard to know where to begin, so I suppose I should really start with my day job. An accomplished web developer, I have worked with many of the UK’s leading charities, helping to spread love and well-being around the world – saving the lives of animals, children and old cunts (this is in addition to my own ceaseless charity campaigning for Movember – helping to preserve men’s testicles). Perhaps the most notable of these was the successful endeavour to convince supermarket chain, Tescos, to change their wicked ways and keep their factory-reared ducks wet. Ducks raison d’être is to be kept wet after all (and not dry).
Outside of my web development/design work, I’ve actually long been a celebrity online in other areas. My picture is featured on Inked Guys – a gay site, dedicated to the love of handsome tattooed specimens of manhood. I don’t begrudge my picture appearing on this site (why would I?) – for surely the gays can’t help but fall in love with me in the same way that every women I have ever met has done. I’m also featured in the 45 Inspiring Finger Tattoos.
Aside from this, on a medical tangent – I have achieved great success also – in particular for my patented invention, The Fogarty Balloon Catheter (what helps blokes with dodgy prostates, as well as perverts).
In the world of business I have my own line in exclusive duvets, quilts and pillow cases. That is all.
My brilliance also extends into the realm of the arts where I played guitar in the 60s and 70s for the legendary rock group, Creedence Clearwater Revival. Furthermore, I am an acclaimed music journalist, having written many articles for the UKs leading music rag, Penny Black Music (please excuse the frequent typos and grammatical errors in my articles).
And now to add to this list, I am now a published food writer, having appeared in yesterday’s edition of the Guardian magazine (see photographic evidence top-left).
(Disclaimer: actually, most of these things weren’t me – but the bits about the ducks, Inked Guys and Penny Black Music are true)