Tom’s Guide to Valentine’s Day


With VD just around the corner (or as it is also sometimes known, Valentine’s Day), I thought I’d take the opportunity to pass on some of my vast dating experience and share a few handy tips to really make the day special. Whether you’re a singleton who’s unlucky in love, or already have a partner and are looking to spice things up a bit this year – follow this easy guide and you’re sure to be successful in your quest for love on 14th February.

Go happy Slapping
It’s a well known fact that the best way to attract a partner is to display your funny side by humiliating someone else. So this year, why not revive the lost art of happy slapping or better still, publicly torment a tramp in some way.

Go up the allotments and have sex in a shed
This is the ideal setting for romance and will demonstrate your thoughtful, caring side. (And if you’re single, there’s no need to feel left out – why not cheer yourself up by having a wank in the same location instead).

Go down the cemetery and have sex on a grave
Basically the same concept as the tip above but intended for those who are more adventurously inclined. Dig up grandad for extra points.

Dick pics
Girls absolutely love receiving unsolicited photos of your wonky-looking penis, so it’s always a good idea to send out as many of these as you can. For the best results, send after 11.30pm.

Pull a nutter
Another sure-fire way to hook up is to target the mentally frail and unstable. Head along to the grounds of the Maudsley Mental Hospital in South East London (open daily to the public) and take a bunch of flowers with you. Works like a charm.

Be spontaneous
Instead of sending an anonymous Valentine’s card to your loved one, add an original spin to this format by repeatedly calling them from a withheld number in the the middle of night. When they answer – don’t say anything and just hang up after a few seconds.

Tattoo their name on your head
Simple but effective way to demonstrate your love.

Take your date to the morgue
Because there’s always fun to be had at the morgue.

Set fire to something (or someone)
Fire is good! Fire is your friend. Use fire to your advantage.

Chop off your ear and deliver it to your secret crush in an envelope
Worked for Van Gough. A timeless classic, and like they say – the old ones are the best.

Be nostalgic
Re-enact the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre of 1929 by killing 7 people to mark this special occasion.

Go to a  Web Developer’s Conference
Web development equals sex, and talking about coding and computer programming is bound to get you laid. Plus the industry attracts loads of hot chicks.

Good luck and happy wooing, and remember – if you have a love-rival vying for the attention of the apple of your eye – simply kidnap them and burn out their eyes with a red hot poker. Love is blind after all.