Things Not To Say To Someone with Tattoos

The full title to this blog post should have been “Things Not To Say To Someone with Tattoos (i.e me) – Especially if You Don’t Know Them” – but that seemed a bit unnecessarily long-winded. Not that that usually stop me. Also you can see me in the picture above (I’m the one in the middle, wearing a shirt).

Anyway, you might have noticed that I have one or two subtle tattoos – not that I make a big deal about it or anything. And speaking as someone who has been under the inky needle a couple of times – these are questions that tend to get on your nerves afterwards (which usually come from complete strangers as well).

What is it?
How could I ever answer that if you’ve got the nerve to ask? I actually pinched this line from overrated folk singer, Bob Dylan, although he wasn’t referencing tattoos at the time. And besides, it’s clearly a tattoo of a blue tiger with horns on my knee. Anyone could see that.

Is that an existential question? I have absolutely no idea (or motivation) to answer this one. Ever.

What is the meaning behind it?
Why would you expect a ludicrous activity such as poking ink under your skin with a needle to make an indelible mark on your flesh, have any meaning whatsoever attached to it?

Did it hurt?
Yes, it fucking hurt. But not so bad that I didn’t do it again after the first time. Ahem.

Don’t you worry about it being permanent?
Unlike my hair – tattoos ARE permanent, it’s an integral part of what tattooing is. If I was worried about it lasting forever I wouldn’t have done it, and opted to doodle on my body with a biro instead. Silly bollocks.

Are you addicted?
On most days I put trousers on, does this mean I must be addicted to wearing trousers too?

Don’t you worry about what they will look like when you get old?
No, because even without the tattoos I’d still be old, and have an old body. But hopefully I’ll be more interesting than you.

How much money have you spent on it?
I’ve no idea. But I’ve no idea how much I’ve spent on other things I enjoy either – like going on holiday, or boozing down the pub.

You’ll never find work…
Ok, this isn’t a question – but it’s still an annoying statement that gets said often (usually when I’m at the job centre, scratching on).

You’ll never find a partner (unless they have tattoos as well)
Again, not a question, but people always seem to think that because I like tattoos on me – I must only like girls with tattoos too. Which is a ridiculous assumption to make; for example, I like to grow a moustache – but that doesn’t mean I’d date a bird who had one.

Did you get it to rebel/look hard?
No! (i.e yes, yes I did)

Oh and by the way – don’t think you can randomly grab my arms to look at them either!