Tom’s Alternative New Year’s Resolutions 2019

A couple of weeks back in early January, I laid down my plans for some new year’s resolutions I intend to follow throughout 2019 (and maybe beyond, depending on whether I live to see 39). On reflection, I have realised that although perfectly doable for a bloke such as myself – these simple rules to live by might be a bit of a challenge for everybody else out there. But fear not! For I have now devised an alternative list that should be within the grasp of you lot.

Stand in stupid places
Whilst out and about in the community – especially when using public transport – take the opportunity to block the paths of others by standing in the most bothersome spot you can find, carefully selected to cause maximum havoc and disruption to those around you. For example, try standing in the middle of the step on escalators so no one can pass, or perhaps in front of the doors on buses and trains, encumbering the entrance/exit of fellow commuters. Wear a large rucksack for extra effect, and don’t forget to wear earphones so that you can’t hear anyone say “Excuse me please” behind you.

Avoid giving money to the tramps
It’s a well-known fact that beggars are lazy; too apathetic to find employment and pay their bills, even too idle to mug people or steal from shops in order to provide for themselves. So the next time you see them dossing about in the street, make sure you step over them and ignore them. Better yet, spit on them.

Rely on using your phone for everything
Why simply rely on your phone for it’s primary use which is to make and receive vocal communications with people who are not in your immediate vicinity – when you can rely on it for practically every facet of your day-to-day existence? Use it as an oyster card and to pay for goods and services in shops. Use it to binge-watch TV programmes, pump music into your ears at all times, text people who are in the same room as you and generally distract you from your daily existence. Don’t worry that these devices have a built in obsolescence and will inevitably stop working within the year, or that you might lose it, break it or have it stolen – rely on it for everything.

Wear your pyjamas to the supermarket
I’m not sure whether this exhibits a certain joie de vivre, or is merely a habit of those who have given up hope and can’t be bothered to get dressed before they venture outside. Either way, young people do it so it must be cool.

Bastardised the English language and rely on emojis instead
Why utilise the English language to express yourself, which is rich and varied and has been accumulated and finessed over the course of more than 1,400 years, when two or three emojis or better still, a meme will do? LOL

Use social media more
Share absolutely everything you do on as many social media platforms as you possibly can throughout the day. When not posting stuff, remain glued to what everyone else is simultaneously sharing.

Wear trousers around your arse
Everything you need to know can be found here: https://www.wikihow.com/Wear-Really-Low-Baggy-Pants-Without-Losing-Them

Complete any last-minute beautification tasks on the way to work
Girls have long adopted the annoying trait of applying their makeup during their daily commute in complete disregard to those around them, so if you’re a man, do your bit for equality and join in too by having a shave on the train.

Sign off work emails with a single initial
When sending an important work email to colleagues, be sure to sure to use the first initial of your christian name when closing. This will give the impression to your colleagues that you are hip and trendy, but also far too busy to type the rest of the letters of your name. Think how much time I could save if I only typed “T” and omitted the “om”. This notion will also bolster your self-belief that you are important enough to be recognised by a single letter. Like Zorro.

T