Tom Fog’s New Year’s Resolutions 2020
January is upon us again, the excesses of Xmas and New Year consigned to the recycle bin of the recent past – and it’s the dawn of a new decade as well – so here are my new year’s resolutions for 2020 and beyond.
1. Lose the beer belly
It has become apparent since turning 39 recently, the passage of time has started to bestow upon me a body that the average BDO darts player would be proud of. Though to blame this solely on beer is slightly unfair. I’m also a big fan of wine, gin, whiskey and the occasional negroni cocktail too.
But it’s not as if I haven’t had a steady and consistent exercise regime through the years, mind you (I sat around the house, wanking). Still, in order to prevent my torso from further resembling a capital “D” when viewed in profile, I will have to cut out the calories and work my body slightly harder in 2020. Sensible exercise suggestions would be greatly received!
2. Dig for Britain
It is a well-known fact that due to the recent election of Boris Johnson and the national decision to forge ahead with Brexit, we have just had our last Christmas in the UK with food.
With this in mind, I would like to try my hand at growing stuff. Cress and mushrooms are likely candidates due to lack of space. It’s also true that surrounding yourself with living things is good for you (hence my fondness for growing cacti indoors), so I will be attempting to yield a crop of deadly mandrake.
It may seem like a contradiction – after just stating that surrounding yourself with living things is good for you – to subsequently advocate stuffing dead animals for aesthetic, decorative purposes, but this is my list so bollocks to you.
I tried taxidermy once a few years ago, and was lucky enough to receive a taxidermy kit for a present this Crimbo (dead mice sold separately!), so I can’t wait to give this pastime a try again. Read about my previous taxidermy exploits here.
4. Use time more wisely
Everyone knows there are only two sensible ways to use your spare time; the first is to sit around doing fuck all, and the second is to be creative.
I’ve already proved myself highly proficient in the former, so this year I aim to focus more on the latter; more writing , drawing, painting and knitting. That sort of thing. I’d also like to make a voodoo box.
5. Wear more hats
I’ve been bald for at least 10 years now, which has not held me back in any way – allowing me to amass a huge repertoire of “bald bloke jokes“. However, I have recently noticed that I’m getting a freckled bonce (due to being an old bastard and not having any hair on my fucking head). It has, therefore, become essential that I build up a selection of dapper and durable headwear immediately to help remedy this.
I can then post selfies of me wearing them on Instagram, accompanied with the hashtag #haturday. Hilarious.
6. Finish my tattoo collection
Will this quest ever end? Well yes, soon hopefully. The only key areas remaining are my feet and hands. Then maybe I can start to actually save some money each month for a change – and pay for that hair transplant.
Happy New Year!
This is a personal website and the views expressed here are my own (or stolen from other people down the pub). Facts may not be accurate, or could be poorly paraphrased gags borrowed from proper writers - or simply, outright lies.