Tom’s Guide to SEO

SEO stands for Search Engine Optimisation and is a way of fine-tuning your website's content so that it appears higher in the search engine results when people browse for information online. One of the ways to do this is to carefully craft your content and tailor it for what your intended users/clients are looking for. Basically, if you make your website content as relevant and focussed on a key topic as possible - there is a higher likelihood that it will be found. For example, if you were searching for a plumber in Gateshead you would not expect to be served up results for a fish & chip shop in Slough instead. I know this because I work as a web developer, but don't worry - that introduction is a technical as this blog post will get! Luckily, Google have provided some helpful tools that are easy to use (and free!), that allow you to see the Google search terms that people have used to find your site. I used this recently to get some insight into how people are being directed here, so I thought I'd share this information with you. As this is a personal website about me - Tom Fogarty - it was no surprise that my name is the leading phase that brings visitors to my site. It was very light on web development or music review phrases sadly though, and some of the other phrases were more unexpected... The person who arrived after searching for "name?" must have been somewhat baffled when I made an appearance, as would the person who simply searched for "Russian". I expect whoever searched for "bakake" would have been highly disappointed when my face popped up in their results. Hopefully I didn't put them off their stroke. I also hope anyone who ended up at this blog by looking for "how to wax your balls at home", found me beneficial in the their quest for silky smooth ballbags. Some of the results are cryptic, others downright confusing. Examples: "the power of christ compels you dog" "dulcet relapse lyrics" "cat pornstar" Darts players such as Brian "Pecker" Woods, Mervyn "The King" King and "The Count" Ted Hankey seems to feature frequently, as does wrestler Hulk Hogan. Alarmingly, so do rock 'n' roll heavyweights, Gary Glitter and Rolf Harris. GG Allin, Sebastian Horsley, Creedence Clearwater Revival and Lemmy from Motorhead are all heroes of mine, so I can't begrudge them featuring. The "goldfinger midget", however, is less well regarded in my house. Many of the search terms are obscene. Should I be offended that Google think people searching for "cunt tattoo" or "tattooed twats" are looking for me - or grateful that they are sending traffic my way? As a fan of tattoos and a frequent moustache-grower, it is to be expected that phrases relating to these terms feature regularly - but directing "paedo moustache" explorers to my site is a bit harsh. Other pleasant phrases include "Count Macula" and "mongoloid urban dictionary". I've included the full list below - you should read these before continuing with this post as it will be relevant later). The list will open in a new tab as there are too many to mention here, but I'd recommend you read them all as there are some real gems to be found in there - especially near the bottom... Click here for FULL LIST OF SEARCH TERMS. Maybe at best then, my website stands as a sterling example of how not to efficiently optimise your content for effective SEO, but in the spirit of of the old saying -if you can't beat them, join them - here's a make believe story (somewhat stream of consciousness), garbled together using the random search phrases people have used to unwittingly discover this blog. This will further bolster the traffic, but also reinforce the strength of these keywords, therefore increasing the probability that my organic visitors will be mongoloids, sex-pests or other assorted members of the criminally insane, looking for tattooed twats. Story: Darts legends Ted Hankey and Brian Woods were practicing, ahead of a big charity match against a couple of midgets to raise money to keep paedofiles off the telly during Christmas repeats of Top of The Pops from the 70s. Originally they were supposed to be playing the midget from Goldmember and that little bloke off Fantasy Island, but those little people from America couldn't get visas in time, so they'd ended up having to play against some generic UK-based dwarves instead (a couple of the cast of Time Bandits who were looking for work). The sponsors had initially made an even bigger fuckup for the event by selecting a medley of Gary Glitter hits to play between match rounds to get the crowd going, until their mistake had been pointed out by a good-intentioned Russian criminal who happened to be passing by. Ironically, Ted had once had a Rolfaroo tattoo in honour of Rolf Harris, which he later had covered up with a portrait of himself when it was discovered that the Australian entertainer had been a little bit too busy with his artistic hands, so that's alright then. Sadly, Ted had intended to have his darts nickname "The Count" etched on as part his self-portrait, but not being a person what spells too good he left out the U, leaving him with a tattoo that simply said "The Cunt" instead. In a likewise fashion, Brian Woods also sported a tattoo dedicated to his darting nickname, which amazingly he had managed to get spelled correctly: Pecker. He gained this epithet from his surname and was certainly in no way an indication that he had a tiny willy (unlike GG Allin, who had a microscopic member, much like a pornstar cat - plus an assortment of crudely done homemade tattoos, who done using Indian ink in prison). At this point you're probably thinking "These cats aren't as cool as Lemmy, Sebastian Horsley or Tom Fogerty from Creedence Clearwater Revival. The power of christ compels you dog, what a right pair of tattooed twats!" - but this would be very unfair assumption to make. At least they've never been adorned with a paedo-style handlebar moustache, tattooed themselves with a biro or had a horrible experience trying to wax their balls at home. Only a true mongoloid from Camberwell would do that. The end.

I Love Prison

This tattoo isn't new - I did it last year - but realised I hadn't posted about it directly before. I did it myself using a needle and thread and it took about 3 hours of patience to poke it in dot by dot. I was inspired by my 2 bibles: Home Made Tattoos Rule and the Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopaedia. I was originally going to pay tribute to the book by etching in "Home Made Tattoos Rule", then "Prison Tattoos Rule", before finally deciding on "I went to prison and all I got was this lousy tattoo". This entire thought process took me about 5 minutes. Half way through the first letter, I realised this would take forever to finish, so opted for "I <3 PRISON" instead. Here's a couple of pictures (probably not for the squeamish). I've been thinking recently that I think I'd quite like it in Prison; all the tattoos, and I hear you can get drugs easily in there. Then there's the free pool table. I could even brew some gut-rot moonshine under my bunk. I think I'd enjoy all the male banter and I get on well with most people so I don't think I'd get my head kicked in too often. I wouldn't get to have sex with any girls, but then again I don't get the chance in real life either. My mum reckons as I'm a pretty boy I'd probably get raped fairly regularly (these are the kind of conversations I have with my mum) - but I've seen Scum loads of times - and all you need to do is carry around a sock filled with billiard balls. If I was really lucky I'd get to share a cell with Gary Glitter.

3 Tattoos in 3 Days

I was very bored this weekend and at a bit of a loose end, so I ended up getting 3 new tattoos. Two of them were by Liam Sparkes at Shangri-la and the other one was by Ben Nuthink at Kids Love Ink. You can't see what they are here, but I'll post better pictures when they're healed. I'm really happy with the results, but it's a bit of a worry that I only seem to get tattoos done when I'm in a really bad mood... [gallery]

Ego Surfing (because I’m worth it)

I did a little bit of "ego surfing" last night before bed. And why not? I've mentioned before that I'll never be top of the rankings for "Tom Fogarty" - as there's just too many famous Tom Fogartys about. Some of them even hold down steady jobs and have girlfriends and stuff. I decided to broaden the search a bit, and tried "Tom Fogarty web designer". This pulled in my website, my LinkedIn profile, and not a lot else.. I then tried "Tom Fogarty tattoos". Bingo! Tons of my blog entries turned up. Also, high up on the first page of hits, was this little gem (that I didn't even know existed). And that's why I'm giving them a plug here... Inked Guys is a Tumblr photo blog, unsurprisingly, full of inked guys. My tattooist, Liam Sparkes, features on the same page (the bloke wearing the horned mask) - and there's tons of other good pictures on there too. It may look suspiciously like gay porn, but it's well worth checking out! SpiderWebDezign on Inked Guys inkedguys.tumblr.com

Russian Criminal Owl Tattoo

Not blogged in ages, been really busy. If you follow this Blog, you'll know that a few weeks ago I went to Primavera Sound, and was quite excited about it. To mark the occasion I decided to get a tattoo while I was there. Trouble was, I couldn't find a tattoo shop. I came home un-inked. Luckily, I was booked in to get a new tattoo with Liam Sparkes a week later, back in London. So I guess this is my Primavera tattoo. Funnily enough, while I was getting it done, Liam told me he was at the festival too - and he did get a tattoo done while out there. His was done by Jondix. So this is it (proving once again that I cannot pose for photos). It's a Russian criminal tattoo, taken from the cover of The Russian Criminal Encyclopaedia Vol. III. It represents "a murderer". I already have Russian tattoos of a cat and a spider - which represent "a thief". If you ask me to explain why I chose these - I can't, really. Not to normal people anyway. For me, tattooing is about irony: choosing to get a tattoo is all about being brave and being stupid. You can't really justify it too much. If you do, you're just being pretentious. Go with the flow. And everyone ends up with the tattoo they really deserve... Incidentally, the Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopaedia Vol. II sells for silly money on Amazon now that it's out of print. I want a copy.

15 Minutes of Fame

Being the boring sod/IT dweeb that I am, I check my site stats in Google Analytics daily. I was interested to see that I'm getting quite a few click-through hits from a Russian Live Journal site. I have no idea what any of the text says (it's all in Russian) and I haven't bothered to translate it - it's probably best not to know. Anyway, I am grateful to them, so I include a link back to the page here. The same picture of me and my tattooed torso (Russian Criminal style, à la Photoshop) features in a Flickr group called Tattooed Gay Men. I found this pretty funny as a) I'm not gay and b) most of the tattoos in the picture aren't real. They actually emailed me to ask permission if they could use the picture, and I just couldn't say no (warning: the group features many willies): Gay Tattoos. Incidentally, "15 Minutes of fame" isn't just a quote by Andy Warhol; it's also a reference to a song by Sheep on Drugs (great band). The former lead singer - Duncan X - is now a tattooist. Which leads me back to the first line of this post: being the boring sod that I am...