A Short Blog About Moustaches (again)

I'll be coding though the night later, so I thought I'd knock out a quick blog post before I get started. Last night I went out and had lots of fun in Waterloo ("me and my mum and my dad and gran - and a bucket of vindaloo"). Actually it was with my mucker, Gennaro. While I was out a stranger started complimenting me on my moustache, saying how it looked cool and that he'd always wanted to grow one, but was worried it would make him look gay. I was quite pleased to get the compliment, the only caveat was that he started the conversation while I was in the Gents, having a wee. I've been thinking lately about shaving it off again. I grew one once before when I was bored, then shaved it off when I then got bored of that. I felt naked without it for days afterwards. There's a line from the movie Wild at Heart where Nicolas Cage says: "This is a snakeskin jacket! And for me it's a symbol of my individuality, and my belief in personal freedom." And this also applies to me and my moustache. I know it's not cool or trendy, but it's my way of saying "Fuck The World". But instead starting riots and leaving bombs in dustbins, I just grow a handlebar moustache and go about my daily business. A lot of people assume that I grew in for Movember, but this is not the case; in fact I started growing it the very day after Movember ended. And that was no mistake. To a certain extent this proves that lots of men would like to grow moustaches, but need to find a justified reason to do so: "I'm growing it for charity, like". Grow some balls, man, I say! It does seem to have some advantages though: most people keep well away from me when I'm walking down the street. This is not because I look hard in any way, but rather, people assume it's a declaration of homosexuality. I've also become the nutter on the bus that no one wants to sit next to; people actually breathe a sigh of relief when I sit next to someone else. The one thing that worries me, is that the longer I keep it, the harder it will eventually be to shave it off. A bit like those aging hippies who still have long hair when they're old (even if they're bald on top). It's also probably worth noting that I can't actually grow a full beard (another of my many failings as a man). If I could, I'd probably end up looking like one of those radical muslims. Some aspects of appearance always come to define that person i.e if someone is fat they will invariably be known as "Fat Barry" or "Fat Chris" etcetera. The same is true of short people and bald people: "I'm just going to the pub with Tom..." "Who, Tom Jones?" "No - Bald Tom.." And by having a big moustache at least I can be "Paedo Tom" instead of "Bald Tom". I think I've just talked myself into keeping it for a while longer... F.T.W.

How To Grow a Handlebar Moustache

Follow these handy tips and you, too, can grow your very own handlebar moustache *. And I should know because I am an expert in the field. (*might not work for girls) Step 1 Stop shaving your top lip. This sounds obvious, but this is the tricky part and takes dedication. You will feel very silly for a couple of weeks; this is the minimum it will take to grow a proper moustache (i.e not one like Lou Bega). A full handlebar moustache will take at least 6 weeks to grow. After 2-3 weeks: Step 2 Trim the moustache in the middle, along the lower edge - when it starts to hang over your top lip. Otherwise you'll look like Nietzsche or David Crosby. You can also start combing the moustache in the centre to form a sort of parting. Step 3 Like a stroke victim, you will need to learn how to drink liquids from a glass all over again. Guinness is very problematic, but stick with it - you'll get there! Step 4 Start twiddling the ends up. This is probably very unhygienic and will irritate the hell out of everyone around you. You might also need to use wax. Step 5 Wait. And wait. And wait. Step 6 (optional) When you shave it off, get a tattoo on your finger to remind you how cool you were. Note - this is painful. If you then start experimenting with other Hulk Hogan/Village People styles of moustache - you know you've gone too far and must stop.