Testicles! Good word that, one of my favourites. So good in fact, that I've decided to raise money for men's balls. Well, testicular cancer to be precise. Regular readers will know that I don't need much encouragement to "talk bollocks", but taking part in Movember this year has provided me with a tenuous  link to do so even more. I've never done anything for charity before - I'm far too lazy and mean - so this will be a new experience for me. Earlier in the year I was coerced into making a cake at work in the name of charity, and I really resented it and kicked up a right fuss. On here I did anyway: I Don't Like Cake! I don't generally donate money to "charidee" either. Basically if you've done a fun run or something, and you've asked me to sponsor you and I actually gave you money - it means I fancy you. No other reason. Still, I expect everyone to dig deep and support my moustache growing this year. I hate sanctimonious idiots like Bono and Bob Geldof and I would never want to sound like them, so I'll just say this: I'll be saving lives. That's what I do; I save lives. Anyway, to try and promote this a little bit, I did this rather excellent self-portrait of myself. Isn't it good? Actually this is a lie, it was drawn by Paul Shinn (who has a full beard, but alas, no moustache). You can sponsor me here: mobro.co/spiderwebdesign

How To Grow a Handlebar Moustache

Follow these handy tips and you, too, can grow your very own handlebar moustache *. And I should know because I am an expert in the field. (*might not work for girls) Step 1 Stop shaving your top lip. This sounds obvious, but this is the tricky part and takes dedication. You will feel very silly for a couple of weeks; this is the minimum it will take to grow a proper moustache (i.e not one like Lou Bega). A full handlebar moustache will take at least 6 weeks to grow. After 2-3 weeks: Step 2 Trim the moustache in the middle, along the lower edge - when it starts to hang over your top lip. Otherwise you'll look like Nietzsche or David Crosby. You can also start combing the moustache in the centre to form a sort of parting. Step 3 Like a stroke victim, you will need to learn how to drink liquids from a glass all over again. Guinness is very problematic, but stick with it - you'll get there! Step 4 Start twiddling the ends up. This is probably very unhygienic and will irritate the hell out of everyone around you. You might also need to use wax. Step 5 Wait. And wait. And wait. Step 6 (optional) When you shave it off, get a tattoo on your finger to remind you how cool you were. Note - this is painful. If you then start experimenting with other Hulk Hogan/Village People styles of moustache - you know you've gone too far and must stop.

Moustache Project Week 13: Fin

Game Over... Although I do now have this replacement... Viva la 'tache!

Moustache – 12 weeks old

Very pleased with this - I've trimmed it a little bit along the way, but this is basically 12 weeks of growth. The only problem now is that I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to part with it. I've become like one of those aging hippies who simply cannot bear to shave off their greying ponytail (even though they're rapidly going bald). In their minds they are defined by their follicles. If I don't get rid of it now, I fear I never may!   Moustache - 12 weeks: closeup Tom Fogarty Moustache - Week 10 Tom Fogarty Moustache - Week 10

Moustache – 6 weeks

I was meant to shave the 'tache after 6 weeks, but didn't.  So this is 6 weeks of facial hair growth... posted one week late. And I still haven't got rid of it...

Moustache – 5 Weeks

Moustache progress after 5 weeks of growth (I trimmed it a bit this week too).  Only one week left until I shave it - pity; I'm starting to like it...  

Moustaches Are Cool

I was bored over Xmas, so inspired by the film Bronson, I decided to grow a moustache. According to ehow it takes a minimum of 6 weeks to grow a handlebar moustache. This picture shows my progress after 3 weeks, pretty bad. As soon as February comes it'll be 6 weeks & I'll be getting rid...