Tom’s Guide to SEO

SEO stands for Search Engine Optimisation and is a way of fine-tuning your website's content so that it appears higher in the search engine results when people browse for information online. One of the ways to do this is to carefully craft your content and tailor it for what your intended users/clients are looking for. Basically, if you make your website content as relevant and focussed on a key topic as possible - there is a higher likelihood that it will be found. For example, if you were searching for a plumber in Gateshead you would not expect to be served up results for a fish & chip shop in Slough instead. I know this because I work as a web developer, but don't worry - that introduction is a technical as this blog post will get! Luckily, Google have provided some helpful tools that are easy to use (and free!), that allow you to see the Google search terms that people have used to find your site. I used this recently to get some insight into how people are being directed here, so I thought I'd share this information with you. As this is a personal website about me - Tom Fogarty - it was no surprise that my name is the leading phase that brings visitors to my site. It was very light on web development or music review phrases sadly though, and some of the other phrases were more unexpected... The person who arrived after searching for "name?" must have been somewhat baffled when I made an appearance, as would the person who simply searched for "Russian". I expect whoever searched for "bakake" would have been highly disappointed when my face popped up in their results. Hopefully I didn't put them off their stroke. I also hope anyone who ended up at this blog by looking for "how to wax your balls at home", found me beneficial in the their quest for silky smooth ballbags. Some of the results are cryptic, others downright confusing. Examples: "the power of christ compels you dog" "dulcet relapse lyrics" "cat pornstar" Darts players such as Brian "Pecker" Woods, Mervyn "The King" King and "The Count" Ted Hankey seems to feature frequently, as does wrestler Hulk Hogan. Alarmingly, so do rock 'n' roll heavyweights, Gary Glitter and Rolf Harris. GG Allin, Sebastian Horsley, Creedence Clearwater Revival and Lemmy from Motorhead are all heroes of mine, so I can't begrudge them featuring. The "goldfinger midget", however, is less well regarded in my house. Many of the search terms are obscene. Should I be offended that Google think people searching for "cunt tattoo" or "tattooed twats" are looking for me - or grateful that they are sending traffic my way? As a fan of tattoos and a frequent moustache-grower, it is to be expected that phrases relating to these terms feature regularly - but directing "paedo moustache" explorers to my site is a bit harsh. Other pleasant phrases include "Count Macula" and "mongoloid urban dictionary". I've included the full list below - you should read these before continuing with this post as it will be relevant later). The list will open in a new tab as there are too many to mention here, but I'd recommend you read them all as there are some real gems to be found in there - especially near the bottom... Click here for FULL LIST OF SEARCH TERMS. Maybe at best then, my website stands as a sterling example of how not to efficiently optimise your content for effective SEO, but in the spirit of of the old saying -if you can't beat them, join them - here's a make believe story (somewhat stream of consciousness), garbled together using the random search phrases people have used to unwittingly discover this blog. This will further bolster the traffic, but also reinforce the strength of these keywords, therefore increasing the probability that my organic visitors will be mongoloids, sex-pests or other assorted members of the criminally insane, looking for tattooed twats. Story: Darts legends Ted Hankey and Brian Woods were practicing, ahead of a big charity match against a couple of midgets to raise money to keep paedofiles off the telly during Christmas repeats of Top of The Pops from the 70s. Originally they were supposed to be playing the midget from Goldmember and that little bloke off Fantasy Island, but those little people from America couldn't get visas in time, so they'd ended up having to play against some generic UK-based dwarves instead (a couple of the cast of Time Bandits who were looking for work). The sponsors had initially made an even bigger fuckup for the event by selecting a medley of Gary Glitter hits to play between match rounds to get the crowd going, until their mistake had been pointed out by a good-intentioned Russian criminal who happened to be passing by. Ironically, Ted had once had a Rolfaroo tattoo in honour of Rolf Harris, which he later had covered up with a portrait of himself when it was discovered that the Australian entertainer had been a little bit too busy with his artistic hands, so that's alright then. Sadly, Ted had intended to have his darts nickname "The Count" etched on as part his self-portrait, but not being a person what spells too good he left out the U, leaving him with a tattoo that simply said "The Cunt" instead. In a likewise fashion, Brian Woods also sported a tattoo dedicated to his darting nickname, which amazingly he had managed to get spelled correctly: Pecker. He gained this epithet from his surname and was certainly in no way an indication that he had a tiny willy (unlike GG Allin, who had a microscopic member, much like a pornstar cat - plus an assortment of crudely done homemade tattoos, who done using Indian ink in prison). At this point you're probably thinking "These cats aren't as cool as Lemmy, Sebastian Horsley or Tom Fogerty from Creedence Clearwater Revival. The power of christ compels you dog, what a right pair of tattooed twats!" - but this would be very unfair assumption to make. At least they've never been adorned with a paedo-style handlebar moustache, tattooed themselves with a biro or had a horrible experience trying to wax their balls at home. Only a true mongoloid from Camberwell would do that. The end.

35

The 3rd of July this year marked the 45th anniversary of Jim Morrison's death. As controversial frontman of The Doors, Morrison was my first rock hero, and played no small part in introducing me to 60s rock music when I was a teenager (and I was a teenager in the 90s, not the 60s - I hasten to add). A member of the 27 Club, so-called because all of the musicians said to be inducted, all died at the age of 27. More to the point - a select group of music icons who shuffled of this mortal coil at 27 because of their wayward, party-hard lifestyles. In addition to Morrison, the unlucky members include Jimi Hendrix, Brian Jones, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain and more recently, Amy Winehouse. Aside from the 27 Club, Sid Vicious snuffed it even younger, at the tender age of 21, following a heroin overdose and having stabbed his girlfriend, Nancy Spungen, to death. The epitome of punk rock and and a wasted life, Vicious lived his short life as fatalistically and nihilistically as anyone in public eye that I can think of. None of this could be classed as breaking news though,  so why am I talking about this now? And the answer is because I am 35 and I have now outlived them all (something that I would never have thought possible when I was younger). Everyone wants to be sexy young corpse don't they? Have you ever heard of anyone who thought it was cool to be in the 35 Club? No, me neither. If I continue through the pantheon of rock 'n' roll idols who met their maker too soon - and in chronology of age - the next up would be Keith Moon and John Bonham; two legendary, hellraising drummers (albeit chronic alcoholics), who both died at the age of 32. Needless to say I'm older than them now too. Next in the list (and probably less familiar to most of you) is Gary Holton; most famous for appearing in 80s comedy-drama Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, but also lead singer with glam punk band, The Heavy Metal Kids. Dead at 33. Moving away from music for a moment - bearded, tattooed daredevil Ryan Dunn of Jackass fame - perished after crashing his car at high speed (whilst drunk) at 34. And yes, I am older now than he was too. Moving upwards beyond my age, GG Allin was gone at 36 which is remarkable really, when you consider his reckless life. It's no secret that I've long been a fan of GG - I've written about him many times previously and I even went as far as getting his portrait tattooed on my leg not so long ago. There's a fair gap after Allin, before we get to Sebastian Horsley; another important figure on my list and another inspiration for numerous blog posts and one of my first tattoos. He died at 47. Beyond which we have Joe Strummer of The Clash who passed away at 50 and then the list becomes far less cool and much more embarrassing, as most things in life seem to with age, alas! * Now it has been noted by many that 2016 has been the year of celebrity deaths (which makes a change from the Yew Tree list I suppose), with the likes of Lemmy from Motorhead, David Bowie and Terry Wogan all dropping down dead in the last 12 months. My favourite person to point this out is one of great thinkers and social commentators of our time, Paul Chuckle on Twitter: So where does this leave me? In the words of Ian Anderson from 70s prog-rock giants, Jethro Tull (and still not dead): "Too old to rock 'n' roll, too young to die." * Notable mentions who didn't make it into this blog post include: Mary Millington, Ian Stuart Donaldson, Steve McQueen, John Holmes, Seth Putnam and Marc Bolan.

List Mania 6: 10 Gigs I Wish I Could Have Seen

Monday night used to be my Monday Night List Mania feature... (well it was on 5 occassions last year anyway). I thought I'd start doing it again, at least until I get bored of it. Which will probably be soon. My most popular list was my porn titles one, but I can't think of anything funny to say tonight so I'm just going to do my Top 10 Gigs (that I wish I could have seen). There won't be any Bob Marley, Oasis, Nirvana or The Beatles on this list... As always, any feedback or comments are welcome. GG Allin - final gig. Having skipped bail to go on tour, GG's last gig turned into a mini-riot, with the mental performer being chased naked down the street by the police (he was also bleeding and covered in his own shit). He died of a drugs overdose on the same night. The Doors - the one where he got arrested. I've loved the doors since a teenager - they were my favourite band for a long time. At this gig Jim Morrison encouraged the crowd to take their clothes off (which they did), resulting in the singer's arrest. The Rolling Stones - Altamont. The Stones put on this free gig in the states and 1000s of fans turned up. Unfortunately, they got the Hells Angels to do the security and they promptly started stabbing/killing the hippies. The White Stripes - any gig. I had tickets to see them at the O2 in London back in 2007, I think. But then the drummer was in some sex tape or something and then they split up and the gig got cancelled. Bastards! Jimi Hendrix - Woodstock. 1969: the end of the free love generation. Hendrix was dead a few months later. Enough said. The Misfits - any gig with the original lineup. Would have loved to have seen this band in their prime back in the late 70s/early 80s. In New Jersey, obviously. Rolling Stones - Rock 'n' Roll Circus. Featuring The Stones playing Sympathy for The Devil, plus The Who and Jethro Tull. The Prodigy/Arcade Fire/Jamiroquai - Exit Festival. This was only a couple of years ago, so I could have gone (had I heard about it). Imagine seeing this lot at a festival in Serbia in a ruined castle in the middle of the night. Awesome. The Clash - any gig. Awesome London punk tunes. Massive band. Michael Jackson - Wembley, late 80s. I'm not a huge fan of his music, but I reckon the atmosphere at this would have been amazing. If Gary Glitter has of been supporting, that would have been even better.  

RIP GG Allin: 29 August 1956 – 28 June 1993

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_nWRVCNwg4
On this day 19 years ago, GG Allin died of a heroin overdose. Probably my favourite performer of all time, GG was a complete maniac, out of control both on and off the stage. No one could be as hardcore, so why even try? If I could have seen any band in their prime - causing havoc - he would definitely have been top of my list (along with The Doors, The Misfits, Ricky Martin, and possibly Elton John). I remember when I was about 20, I went on a pilgrimmage to see Jim Morrison's grave in Pere Le Chase, Paris, and one one day I intend to do the same with GG Allin. Although I did try to do a home made stick-and-poke GG tattoo some time back - it fell out pretty quickly. Which just just goes to prove my earlier statement: no one could be as hardcore, so why even try? There are tons of stories about GG online, plus a plethora of vintage clips of his onstage carnage on YouTube. You can even find clips of his funeral, which rapidly descends into mayhem. I strongly urge you to seek them out. RIP GG Allin.

GG Allin Funeral

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzhtT5DLo18
This week I'm heading up to Staffordshire for a family funeral on Monday. I'm not really looking forward to it and it'll be odd to see my family after so many years, but still, at least I'll get a day off work. Rather than dwell on my own boring affairs, here's a run down of rock icon, GG Allin's funeral: GG died on 3rd July 1993 following a heroin overdose. His final show on the previous night had ended in a mini-riot, culminating in GG stampeding down the street throwing dustbins while being chased by the police. He was totally naked and covered in his own blood and shit. Plenty of footage from this can be found on the internet, or in the excellent DVD, Hated: GG Allin. GG had an open coffin at his wake, and his body was not cleaned up - still bloodied and caked in excrement. He was wearing a leather jacket, cowboy boots and a jockstrap. Nothing else. Fans placed drugs and alcohol around him, and his brother, Merle, placed earphones on him, blasting out tunes from the Suicide Sessions, recorded some years earlier. Classy do.

GG Allin – Bite It You Scum

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMSWRT6ynhs
GG Allin was cool. Here's a nice video to share on a Sunday morning. Enjoy!

List Mania 3: Hellraisers

I've gone off the rails a bit lately - and this weekend seemed to be the pinnacle of that. The highs have been very high and the lows have been horrid. Darks days. Anyway more about that tomorrow... For now I'll give you some more Monday Night List Mania: Hellraisers. A list of my favourite troubled "artists". The only rules are: 1. They must have been notorious troublemakers 2. They must now be dead. Sebastian Horsley -  funny artist from Soho, slept with 1000s of women. Died from a heroin overdose last year. My latest tattoo is dedicated to him. Jim Morrison - lead singer of The Doors. Died at 27 (a dangerous age in rock & roll) after years of drug abuse. Visited his grave at Pere Lachaise in Paris when I was about 21. Alex "Hurricane" Higgins - temperamental, alcoholic (and slightly camp) snooker player. Always in fights. Died last year. GG Allin - hardcore punk rocker who died of a heroin overdose. Skipped bail to go on tour, famous for smearing himself in shit and attacking his fans. Another of my tattoos is dedicated to him Gary Holton - star of Auf Wiedersehen, Pet and singer with Heavy Metal Kids. My uncle once shared a bedsit with him. Died of a heroin overdose in the 80s (Gary Holten - not my uncle) Phil Lynott - lead singer with Thin Lizzy (who rocked). Died of drug-related things in the 80s. John Belushi - one half of The Blues Brothers, did a good Joe Cocker Impression. Starred in Animal House. Died after taking a "speedball". Francis Bacon - alcoholic painter from London. Painted some very dark things. Oliver Reed - notorious boozer and brilliant actor. Had eagles claws tattooed on his dick. Kerry Von Erich - aka wrestler, The Texas Tornado - a drug addict who shot himself rather than go to prison. Only had one foot.

GG Allin Tattoo – Update

This tattoo didn't heal too well in the end. Some body parts have a tendency to reject ink, and the heal is one of those spots. I'm one of those blokes who always wears socks too; I just can't go around barefoot like some liberal hippie yoghurt eater. And that's not good for the healing process. I'm also one of those people that does a lot of walking (a bit like Jehovah's Witnesses or Ian Botham) which doesn't help! So after a week of walking around in my Dr Martin's, here's the results: I'll redo it in a couple of weeks, so hopefully the ink will stay in this time!

GG Allin Homemade Tattoo

I did this over Xmas. It looks a bit crap but I'm really pleased with it. It's a tribute to GG Allin, who had this tattoo on his chest. I spent longer doing this one than usual (nearly 10 minutes!), and the outline is smooth(ish) and thick. It's also an awkward and painful area to do, so I'm happy. Rock 'n' roll! Liam Sparkes also has this same tattoo - he did most of my stuff - and I hope he doesn't mind that I copied it. His version of the tattoo is really good though, and mine is not. GG Allin was a late 80s/early 90s punk rocker, who died of a heroin overdose. He used to perform naked on stage, and was covered in loads of crude homemade tattoos. He was was notorious for defecating on stage and smearing it over his body (and eating it too). He also used to cut his head open and attack everyone in the crowd. I was a big fan. There's a DVD documentary about him called Hated, that shows loads of footage of him on his last tour (he was on the run from the police at the time). There's a brilliant clip where a university asks him to address the student union as a guest speaker. He sticks a banana up his bum and throws chairs at the students till they flee in terror!