Sgt Pepper Lockdown Spoof - by Tom Fogarty

Share a Dose of Clap on Thursday Evenings

Welcome to the latest instalment of the Coronavirus Diaries, or Episode 5 in COVID-19 Chronicles – probably the last chapter from me for now, mainly due to the fact that no one seems bothered by it anymore.

Although this crisis is far from over and the UK is still technically in lockdown after 14 weeks of near standstill, there seems to be a sort of subconscious consensus that things are heading towards a conclusion at last. There has been a gradual easing of restrictions in recent weeks and people are beginning to venture outside once more.

This is a very important step for us, as it means we can put this global catastrophe behind us and start looking forward to the next colossal disaster.

Personally, I think the only things that 2020 has lacked are alien invasion, zombie outbreak, full-scale nuclear war, Judgment Day hosted by the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse and repeats of Eldorado. And there’s still 6 months left till the end of the year – so all bets are off.

Those who claimed to hate the year 2016 because a few celebrities died are eating their hats now, because 2020 has that beat as well (Willie Thorne died on Wednesday).

I have steadfastly refused to embrace “the new normal” at any point during this palaver, and whereas I can remain in segregation from the rest of society for 14 weeks without any cause for concern – I am of the firm belief that socialising via Zoom is an activity for perverts only – it’s positively abnormal. The concept of “virtual pubs” is strictly for dickheads, and much like vegan cheese – if you can’t have the real thing – just do without and find something else with which to entertain yourself.

One thing that has struck me during lockdown is that despite the hardships, people have a natural ability to band together, and with undampened spirit, collectively manage against all odds, to get on my fucking nerves.

Take for example the ritual of clapping for the NHS on a Thursday evening. This started as a nice gesture of thanks, but soon became an excuse for my neighbours to show off and make as much fucking noise as they could, followed by a knees up in the communal garden afterwards – where no social distancing guidelines where followed whatsoever between households. Clearly no respect shown to the overburdened NHS there then.

If the clapping procedure had been thought out properly it could have been performance-based. So when we were at the peak and nearly 1000 people per day were dying, we could have gone outside and delivered a slow hand clap until the NHS performed better.

And on that note, to draw this topic to a close (for now), here is a list of worthwhile pastimes and activities that you could have embraced during your time in isolation; things that will improve and enrich your life – essentially a series of tasks that will make you forget your phone for a while and can be easily incorporated into your daily routines so they become second nature. Making time for exercise, preparing proper meals and sliding sinister letters under your neighbours’ doors while they sleep at night – that sort of thing.

1. Become an entrepreneur
When I read reports recently that a church in Camberwell was selling Coronavirus protection kits for £91, I was shocked. Mainly because I didn’t think of it first. News story can be found here.

2. Get a robot companion
I bought an Amazon Echo Dot, which pretends not to understand anything I say and refuses to follow any orders to play Norwegian black metal.

3. Descale the kettle

4. Take up painting
Or if that is too much effort, watch The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross on BBC4 on weekdays. You can literally watch paint dry during your leisure time.

5. Tattoo yourself at home
There is a bloke who has given himself a tattoo on every day of lockdown (it’s not me by the way). News story can be found here.

6. Set up an OnlyFans account and make a few bob flashing your rude bits
As far as I am concerned TikTok is the name of a Chinese waiter or possibly a Bond villain, and the only good social media allows you to troll celebrities or view tits.

7. Read a fucking book!
I realised I hadn’t suffered enough during this pandemic so I opted to read Morrissey’s autobiography. 500 pages of misery. Perfect!

8. Ignore lockdown and social distancing to prove you are not a racist by gathering with a few thousand people to pull down a statue in town
Then beat it with your shoe.

9. Take a human hostage and make a face mask out of their skin
You can also make a cage from their bones for future hostages.

10. Grow for Britain
Poisonous mandrake and magic mushrooms are both sensible options. Then you can spend time imaging a parallel universe where Linda McCartney was replaced with Brenda Bukake and instead of forming Wings with Sir Paul, she played in Flaps with Ringo.

Categories:

Funny, London Life

Disclaimer:

This is a personal website and the views expressed here are my own (or stolen from other people down the pub). Facts may not be accurate, or could be poorly paraphrased gags borrowed from proper writers - or simply, outright lies.
#jokingnotjoking