Tom's SEO Job or Blowjob Quiz

SEO Job or Blowjob?

A friend recently asked if I do SEO after they set up a new website. A very reasonable question to ask someone who knocks out websites for a living, but I had to admit that my knowledge of the subject would not yield any rapid increase in search engine placement.

I gave what advice I could, but had to concede that I know about as much on the topic of delivering a good SEO job as I do about performing a decent blowjob. Fuck all.

As a web developer by trade, I build sites that adhere closely to the latest recommendations for SEO standards – structurally lean and correct, semantically meaningful and sharpened to load as quickly as possible – especially on mobile devices.

This does not, however, make me an SEO guru. Beyond the basics mentioned above, I probably know as much as you.

The truth is, most people who claim to be “SEO experts” are usually just charlatans.

You can be meticulously granular in detail, following Google’s guidelines to the nth degree; tweaking this and optimising that; but it is good quality content (in addition to being easy to access and quick to load) that will inevitably bring people to your site on a regular basis. And there is no magic formula for that.

A while back I wrote a post about my own efforts with this site to formulate and follow an effective SEO strategy to bolster my Google ranking (Tom’s Guide to SEO). It was mainly concerned with content, especially keyword traffic – but I am still in roughly the same position 2 years later.

It turns out that people just aren’t that interested in reading the monthly ramblings of a neurotic ego-maniac who talks excessively about GG Allin, tattoos and wanking.

Still, at least I have managed to assuage my OCD tendencies by attaining a score of 100% for SEO in Google’s Lighthouse testing utility; a tool that is free to use and built into the Chrome web inspector. And if you don’t believe me – you can check it for yourself because here’s the proof:

Tom Fogarty - SEO Score 2020

A few weeks back, at the height of the Coronavirus lockdown, online quizzes were all the rage (apparently) – so I’ve put one together that will test your knowledge of SEO. It’s multiple choice, so answer each question/statement either: A) SEO Job or B) Blowjob.

Answers are provided at the bottom of the screen, but don’t cheat!

Tom’s SEO Job or Blowjob Quiz

Q1. Performing this task will boost your popularity.

Q2. A skill that some claim to be good at (even though there are few masters of the art).

Q3. Doing this activity might temporarily raise your rankings in search engine results.

Q4. An arduous task that will leave you with a bitter taste in the mouth.

Q5. An act or instance of fellatio i.e. oral stimulation of the glans penis, usually resulting in the glazing of the provider’s face with semen.

Q6. The process of growing the quality and quantity of website traffic by increasing the visibility of a website or a web page to users of a web search engine.

Q7. A service that can be easily procured online.

Q8. A task that can be outsourced to Asia.

Q9. A highly sought after skillset that will look good on your CV.

Q10. A worthwhile endeavour to seek out.

ANSWERS

Q1: B
Q2: B
Q3: B
Q4: A
Q5: B
Q6: A
Q7: B
Q8: B
Q9: B
Q10: B

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This is a personal website and the views expressed here are my own (or stolen from other people down the pub). Facts may not be accurate, or could be poorly paraphrased gags borrowed from proper writers - or simply, outright lies.
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