I didn’t bother setting myself any new year’s resolutions last year, mainly because I thought I’d achieved enough and could do with a rest. How can you improve on perfection? I spent most of 2018, therefore, sitting back and watching the rest of the world struggle and generally fuck it up – so I’ve decided to stop resting on my laurels and show everybody how to do things properly again.
Don’t be disheartened if you don’t achieve as much success as me – how could you possibly? I’m clearly a fine specimen of manliness and effortless masculinity, so don’t compare yourself too much with my many victories or you will be setting yourself up to fail. Just try your best and try to smile (even though you’ll certainly feel like crying inside). Here are my humble goals for 2019 to inspire you.
A little bit of light exercise, regularly
The snake hips of my youth are beginning to resemble the beer belly of a professional darts player, so I should probably have a word with myself about that before I become a proper porker. I’ve realised that I’ll never be a gym-monkey, but some moderate physical activity (besides wanking) wouldn’t go amiss.
Re-do my website
This blog could probably do with a spruce up, so I intend to tackle the task this year. What is the point of making websites for a living if I can’t spare the time to add some dancing bananas to my online home from time to time?
Continue getting my leg tattooed
If I pull my finger out, I can get this finished in the next 12-months, and my ambition to become the most heavily tattooed bloke in Camberwell will nearly be complete. Unless some other sod gets his todger tattooed in the meantime.
Read the bible
Not because I want to go knocking on doors and handing out leaflets in the street, more out of interest to see what happens in it and what it’s all about. I like a good murder mystery.
Be more sociable
I’m notoriously bad at keeping in regular contact with my friends, probably due to the fact that I don’t like any of them. Bastards. But I am going to make more of an effort in the coming year. No man is an island after all, and I’ve somehow managed to get to the age of 38 without obtaining a driving licence. It’s important to remember that good friends are hard to find (and can sometimes drive you to the airport and things.)
In the last couple of years I have revisited the snooker hall that I loved as a teenager, and did an indoor climbing induction course. I also tried taxidermy. All of these things I enjoyed immensely, but for some bizarre reason, didn’t pursue any further. I want to do more of them in 2019.
Less social media
I’m not going to do away with my Instagram and Twitter accounts altogether, but I’d like to use them in a more meaningful way. Probably as a wanking aid.
Stop using emojis and smileys
I’ve tried my best, but I just can’t get on with these bloody things. Proper grammar is the way forward me thinks.