As an antidote to last month’s Stoptober malarkie, here’s an itinerary I’ve devised for you to follow during November.
1. Red wine.
Halloween-themed. Sort of. Post-Samhain, the 1st of November is All Saints’ Day, so why not kickstart your retox by drinking 2 or 3 bottles of red vino? There is a brand of red wine dedicated to Vlad the Impaler that I’m keen to try. Also there is a brand of wine named Tom Fogarty no less.
2. White wine.
Make sure you drink it from the furry cup. Alternatively, drink one of those wine boxes – the type that you see wastrels drinking from at music festivals (except they remove the box so it looks like they are imbibing from a colostomy bag).
3. Mother’s Ruin.
AKA gin. Classic, simple and traditional.
Drink 8 pints of it (also known as a gallon). All to be followed with Baby Guinness chasers (Kahlua and Irish cream).
5. Something flammable for Guy Fawkes Night.
Perhaps paraffin, turps or meths.
Very strong wine, distilled by monks in Cornwall. Favoured by tramps and hipsters. “Buckfast gets you fucked fast.”
7. Bloody Mary.
Another classic reviver. Make sure you put some salt around the rim too. Or you could put some salt around the top of the glass instead.
8. Old Tom Fog.
Strong Italian cocktail. Add some variety to the schedule by having a few pinches of snuff up your hooter too.
Van Gogh was drinking this before he cut his ear off. ‘Nuff said.
Highly poisonous and lethally toxic, so only try a little bit.
As above. If you’re still alive at this point, celebrate by having a few cigars and a packet of fags.
I usually cause bloody havoc after drinking this – so make sure you line your stomach first with a few pints of Tennents Super beforehand.
14. Rusty Nail.
Another strong cocktail, consisting of whisky and brandy (no mixer).
15. Homemade cocktail.
You’re at the halfway point now, so treat yourself to this magical potion: dried nutmeg, bathroom salts and CD-cleaner. Mixed together of course. Any loss of sight will only be temporary, and should not last longer than a week or two.
Highly recommend if you need to keep still for a very long period of time without interruption. Could be in a telephone box, in the middle of the street – or anywhere really!
17. Long Island Iced Tea.
You will have built up you stamina by now, so try this heady mix that consists of anything alcoholic that comes to hand, mixed up in a glass.
18. Lager Frenzy.
Easy one, this. Drink as much beer as you possibly can.
We’re upping our game now. If you find opium a bit too pricy, a cheaper alternative is krokodil.
20. Sniffing glue.
The ancient and often-overlooked art.
21. Space Cakes.
Extra points if you eat them whilst on your lunch break during work.
22. Magic Mushrooms.
Time for a nice cuppa. Have a few tabs of acid on the side as a substitute for sugar (which everyone knows is very bad for you and rots your teeth).
A potent mixture of heroin and cocaine, injected into the arm. Favoured by John Belushi (RIP).
24. A bottle of sweet sherry.
Like nan on Xmas day. Treat yourself to a few glasses of eggnog as well.
You probably doesn’t have a nearby desert to experience this in, so sit in your garden in your pants – or better yet, in the buff with just a tea towel covering your genitals – to enjoy properly. Don’t forget to paint your nipples for full effect.
26. Dry Martini.
James Bond style, but you probably smell of wee and dribble by now.
Another good one. Every wondered what the “K” stands for in “Tom K. Fogarty”? Now you know.
Get midgets to serve this to you in bowls glued to the tops of their heads. Like Queen did at parties.
Remember kids, E’s are good. Anyone got any Vera’s?
30. Every drink consumed in Withnail & I.
This includes several pints of cider, many glasses of gin, bottles of sherry and whisky, lighter fuel and plenty of wine. You will also have to smoke a “Camberwell Carrot”.