I Love Primark

Had to go out clothes shopping yesterday, and I hate clothes shopping. That’s why I go around dressed like a complete tramp most of the time. I also hate washing and ironing, but that’s a separate issue. If I want to make a bold statement about my appearance, I’d prefer to get a tattoo than buy a new pair of jeans.

Some of my pants are so old, it’s only the stubborn under-stains holding them together *

To make things more complicated, the clothes I needed to get were for a funeral next week. Luckily, my family are an odd lot and they want the event to be fun, rather than some dour occasion. I toyed with the idea of getting a Dracula costume from the fancy dress shop, but then realised this might be a tad inappropriate. Mainly because they’ve ruled out black – only bright colours will be allowed.

Interestingly, they’ve also chosen to go for a woven basket coffin, and no wreaths are to be bought. Instead we have to thread flowers through the weaves of the coffin. Presumably after that we’ll all sacrifice a goat, drink it’s blood, and then dance around naked, like fools.

All sounds a bit like The Wicker Man for my liking. Well I’m not going to touch the coffin, no fucking way.

Anyway, back to the shopping: too utterly confound my troubles, I decided to do it in Bromley – i.e Chav Central. At one point I got “the fear” and almost started crying whilst walking through the busy Glades Shopping Centre. Luckily I grew a pair, and instead of having a breakdown – marched into Primark. There, I was able to buy a pair of bright red chinos, 2 pairs of jeans and a tie – all for £30. That should fix me up nicely for next 10 years or so.

Bet I never wear the tie though.

* I stole this line from Vyvyan in The Young Ones, circa 1984.