Full Moon on Friday 13th
Yesterday was Friday the 13th. I know this because it was a Friday and it also happened to be the thirteenth day of the month. Famed for being an unlucky date, it is also a day when horror fans rejoice and get excited. It was an especially good Friday the 13th on this particular occasion as it happened to coincide with a full moon – a night when the streets are rife with the werewolves of London – and according to TV weather girl, Lucy Verasamy, this is an incredibly rare event.
There are only two ways in which you should celebrate this monumental occasion; the first is to be killed by a hockey masked-maniac with a machete, and the other is to attempt to open the gates of Hades and raise the dark lord. As Friday is traditionally the last day of the working week – and an excellent opportunity to stay up late – I opted for the latter.
Fear not, if you are not as well accustomed as I am to summoning the evil one, because I have compiled a handy guide to beckoning the devil to your door and practicing the arcane arts. You can also put it in your C.V.
Ideally you should be situated in a desecrated church or suitably atmospheric graveyard, but if like me, you happen to live in a refurbished mental institution from the 1800s, complete with a grave stone in the communal garden, this is even better.
A ouija board is essential when unlocking the gates of hell in order to discover forbidden knowledge, and I managed to grab one off eBay, which was made by Waddington’s in the 70s (a reputable company who also produced quality board games such as Cluedo). Another essential piece of kit when invoking dark forces is a pentagram. This should really be assembled from the stolen bones of deceased criminals, but if this is too hard to come by, you can fashion one out of felt tip pens or straws nicked from MacDonald’s. Argos used to be a good place for scavenging pens until they made everything touch-screen.
Any ritual such as this must be performed in Y-fronts (or if you’re exceptionally shy a Halloween costume of some sort). Stick-on horns are also compulsory in order to achieve success. It is also useful if you are covered in tattoos when undertaking the ritual. If you were not as fortunate as I was to be born withs loads of really great tattoos, you should at least doodle on your nipples with a biro. If you don’t have any esoteric symbols to copy, simply make them up as no one will know the difference.
Virgin’s blood must be consumed. Or, if this is not readily available to you, the gloop of a midget’s menstrual cycle will do. If you’re a big girl’s blouse about such things, red wine will suffice – but only at a push. I happen to have a bottle of Vlad the Impaler wine that I acquired in Transylvania. As a side note to this – there is a shop in Camberwell that sells assorted nicknacks and things, which advertises “virgin hair” in its window.
Norwegian black metal is a good choice – Burzham or Mayhem are the obvious selections, but if you prefer punk, GG Allin can be played also. If you only have classic rock in your collection, Gary Glitter’s greatest hits is acceptable too.
You should have loads of really attractive busty birds lounging about the place, but if you don’t know any chicks – scatter some jazz pamphlets around (i.e girlie magazines). Page 3 cutouts will also work well. The devil is also fond of black cats, rats, snakes and spiders, but if you have no pets, you can leave the window open and hope that some flies buzz their way in. My kitchen is infested with ants at the moment – and whilst not strictly satanic – the little bastards are very annoying.
Repeat this until the devil appears, or you annoy the neighbours too much (don’t forget to throw in a few swear words for added impact)
Dark Lord of Hades
The evil one
Come forth horny demon
Do your darkest deeds
Be depraved in my house
Oh evilllll one
Leviathan goaty behemoth
Rise up and do your foul doings
And bring nubile virgins
(who play with their erect nipples and need their bottoms spanked)
I summon thee
(or if not you, one of your mates)
Give me lots of money too
And that’s that. Look after yourselves. And each other.
Categories:Art, Funny, Lists, Woe
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