I’ve never been into horoscopes and astrology, in fact I think it’s a load of old bollocks. (I’m a Capricorn after all, and we’re very skeptical). That said, I’ve been reading up on personality traits of Capricorns – mainly out of boredom – and what I found described was quite interesting. Having looked on several sites, the main characteristics seems to be these:

Hard-working, intense, moody, mean, bitter, pessimistic, witty, introverted

Surely that’s no description of me? I especially refute 4) – anyone who’s been out to the pub with me will know that I’m not tight; I am Mr Give. Although perhaps that has more to do with the effects of alcohol, rather than my inherent mannerisms.

Here are some other choice quotes from various online resources:

“There is also a tendency to pessimism, melancholy and even unhappiness which many Capricorn are unable to keep to themselves, especially if they fail personally. In the extreme this trait can make them a very depressed individual; ecstatic happiness alternating with the most wretched kind of misery which is so subconsciously buried that he or she should seek help if such emotions become frequent.”


“The swings in mood are not the only reason some Capricorns deserve the adjective based on their name – capricious. They can be surprisingly and suddenly witty and subtle for the quiet, reserved individuals they seem to be, and they also have a tendency to ruin things by unexpected and utterly irresponsible bouts of flippancy. In certain individuals in whom the characteristic is strong, the temptation to do this has to be resisted with iron self-control. Another unexpected quality in some Capricorn is an interest in the occult which persists in spite of their naturally skeptical turn of mind.”


“Their intellects are sometimes very subtle. They think profoundly and deeply, throughly exploring all possibilities before deciding on a ‘safe’ alternative. They have good memories and an insatiable yet methodical desire for knowledge. They are rational, logical and clearheaded, have good concentration, delight in debate in which they can show off their cleverness by luring their adversaries into traps and confounding them with logic.”


“In their personal relationships they are often ill-at-ease, if not downright unhappy. They are somewhat self-centered but not excessively so, wary and cautious around people they do not know very well, preferring not to meddle with others and in turn not to allow interference with themselves, thus they tend to attract people who do not understand them. They are also hung like donkeys and perform like sexual dynamite in bed.”

Ok, I made that last sentence up.

One website even goes as far as to list illnesses that we are susceptible to, listing:

Manic depression, paranoia, brittle knees, leprosy

I honestly didn’t make that list up, but nowhere online mentions anything about baldness, boozing or tattoos.

Capricorn. Personified by a goat, sometimes with a fish’s tail. 22nd December – 20th January. Be glad you’re not one!

The music video above is Capricorn by Motorhead (lead singer, Lemmy is one too).


Funny, Video


This is a personal website and the views expressed here are my own (or stolen from other people down the pub). Facts may not be accurate, or could be poorly paraphrased gags borrowed from proper writers - or simply, outright lies.