An Ode to Camberwell

This month has been quite busy. Not busy enough to be of any use, however, as I found myself struggling to muster up a topic for this month's blog post, completely bereft of inspiration. Then one evening after work, when I got off the bus - I noticed the blue plaque on one of the buildings at the end of my road, stating the famed poet, Robert Browning had lived there. The plaque is not new - it's been there for over 10 years - but it's the first time I had actually bothered to pay attention and read it before. Apparently old Robbie lived above a fried chicken shop in Southampton Way, just a stone's throw from where I live. I expect he used to go there for a fat munch - a bargain bucket of hot wings, no doubt - on his way home from getting tanked up in The George Tavern on a Friday night. Inspired by this, I have tried to write a poem of my own in honour of top lad, Rob Browning, and the area in London where I dwell - Camberwell. I have tried to harness the style of some of poetry's greats, the likes of Rimbaud, Wordsworth, Poe and Dappy from N-Dubz. The iambic pentameter is a bit fucked, but at least it rhymes. Between Oval and Walworth lies SE5 Saturday night fever, stayin' alive Addington Square, Southampton Way Concrete jungle, awash with grey A place that has so many charms The Sun, The Tiger, The Camberwell Arms But! Don't stray from the main roads after dark No short cuts home through Burgess Park Unlicensed minicabs, drunken fights Jazz in the crypt late at night Love Walk; so wistful, The Maudsley; tragic And don't forget Ken The Magic Old men's boozers and scruffy young tarts Near Camberwell College of Arts Flying Dutchman, full of sleaze Farmer's markets, organic cheese Gentrification and local yutes Art school posers in bovva boots The Richardson's legend, still fueled by fear The Camberwell Beauty discovered here Barred from The Hermit's, it's their loss The formation of a band called Bros Peckham to the south, Brixton; west Camberwell, you're still the best

Tom Fog Be Damned

Back in August 2015 I listed out all the bands I have ever seen, and those that I still want to see before I die. On 20th May 2016 I ticked a big one off my to-do list because I got to see The Damned play at the Royal Albert Hall. They were playing a 40th anniversary show and was part of the ongoing celebrations this year in honour of the birth of punk in the UK in 1976. For my part, I've had a tattoo of a safety pin etched into my arm to mark the occasion but that's a story for another time. For those that don't know, they are a UK punk band formed in 1976 with a notorious reputation for their boisterous antics - both onstage and behind the scenes. Better than the Sex Pistols or even The Clash, they are the best British punk band, which also makes them the best punk band in the world. They were also always better musicians then either of these bands and have been consistently good over a longer period of time. Despite having bought my ticket a year in advance, the only option available to me was a seat near the back, up in the rafters. Although I would have preferred to be near the action on stage, standing - it did give me the opportunity to appreciate the venue better, and the Royal Albert Hall is pretty impressive to say the least. The Damned were banned from playing here in 1977 incidentally, but more on that later. The view of the stage action was spectacular nonetheless - even at that height and distance - and also offered me the added bonus of being able to people-watch the vast audience (and there certainly were freaks-a-plenty to behold amongst the throng). I decided not to get shit-faced; an odd decision to make at a punk rock gig you might think (and especially when you consider me being me), but at £8-per-pint this was a fiscal stance more than anything. And at least I was able to remember the gig on the morning after, unlike many - judging by the staggering on display. The band were introduced by Clive Jackson of Doctor and The Medics fame (still dressed as ridiculously as you remember him), which segues nicely into a Phantom of The Opera style pastiche from lead singer Dave Vanian on the balcony, before joining Captain Sensible et al on stage. They promptly burst into Nature's Dark Passion from 2008's So, Who's Paranoid? album and the whole sequence is not as corny as it probably sounds - the band had a real impact and stage presence from the outset, and clearly had not lost any of their enthusiasm for playing through their 40-year history. I had assumed it might be a disappointment, due in part to the nature of the event; ageing punk rockers past their best, holding on to dreams of the past playing in an inappropriate choice of venue (given their previous history here). Gladly my apprehensions were unfounded as they played a blistering high-energy 3-hour set in reverse chronological order; a crowd-pleasing greatest hits show, starting with their more recent material and finishing in their raw punkish beginnings. And the truth is The Damned never let us down; their longevity in the punk scene is unequalled - as is their mark of quality - and from their sprightly performance, you would never guess that Dave Vanian and co are all around 60-year old age bracket. They dressed the part as you'd expect - Vanian is gothed up and Captain Sensible sported his trademark red beret and tartan bondage trousers. Keyboardist Monty Oxymoron on the other hand looks like a glammed up James May from Top Gear receiving electroshock therapy. Rat Scabies left the band in 1996 but still got a song dedication from Vanian, as does another founding member Brian James and also the erstwhile Ruts frontman Malcolm Owen, long since dead. More than just a nostalgic punk gig, this was a full-on rock opera, including a nod to The Abominable Dr Phibes and the Wizard of Oz along the way; about as far removed from a modern day Rolling Stones gig concert as you could possibly get. And I mean that in a good way. Somehow despite their mischievous punk pedigree, the band resisted the urge to sing the famed Hitler-themed ditty about the Fuhrer losing his balls in the venue - but that is the only trick the band missed all night.

List Mania 9: Things To Do in Camberwell When You’re Skint

I'm desperately trying to save money for my holiday at the moment, but this is so hard to do when living in such an expensive city as London. Based on the book 36 Reasons To Love Camberwell, here is my guide to living cheaply and having fun in Camberwell: 1. Have a wank 2. Make friends with your neighbour's cat 3. Go and sit at Camberwell Green and laugh and shout at the buses as they go past 4. Do a home tattoo on yourself, then walk to King's College Hospital when you catch septicemia 5. Go to the library and deliberately piss yourself 6. Scrunch up some Xmas wrapping paper on your head and visit the gospel church on a Sunday morning. Don't forget to sing as loud as you can! 7. Sneak into the Maudsley Mental Hospital and try to fit in 8. Go to Burgess Park and sleep on a bench 9. Go to the women's yoga class and super glue yourself to the window outside 10. Visit the bottle bank in Morrison's car park and sniff the empties 11. Have another wank

Back in The Game (like Phil Mitchell on crack)
Like Phil Mitchell on the crack, I'm back in the game! Well, sort of. At the very least I've re-done my website in an attempt to keep it fresh (a bit like when you start wearing a gimp mask to bed to rejuvinate your stale 7-year old marriage with a woman who's got fat). Basically, I wanted to keep the new layout as minimal as possible, which will hopefully let people focus more on the writing. I also hereby promise to blog more regularly, concentrating on highbrow topics such as midgets, tattoos, unfortunate pub adventures, GG Allin, moaning about how I never get any sex and generally saying "F.T.W" a lot. I've set up a separate blog on Medium, where I'm going to write about work-related web development stuff (you'll notice it's alarmingly empty) and I've got an art-wank photo blog here. The idea behind this was to keep this site as personal as possible. F.T.W Here's a summary of the site changes (for luddites): - The site is fully responsive - so you can read it on the bus without getting eye strain - Popular blog posts and blog categories are now listed in the footer, rather than the sidebar - The latest 3 blog posts are previewed on the hompage - There is a separate page for older blog posts, organised by month - for easier navigation - The site has gone back to using Tom Fog brand colours (i.e boring shades of green) - There are still some bits I need to do, but fuck that now (I'll do it later) The boring techie bit (for dweebs): You might want to skip this bit if web technologies bore you (in which case, jump to the footnote *). I've used a free Wordpress template called Stanley WP, which I've customised to include a recent blog feed on the homepage and a photo gallery in the 'about' section. I've also created a custom blog archive and a human readable sitemap, which both update dynamically. I chose to stick with Wordpress as a framework, rather than Symfony, CodeIgniter or ExpressionEngine - mainly because I'm a lazy sod and didn't want to have to decouple the database structure and write a shitload of 301 redirects. I've also made use of some Wordpress plugins where necessary - although I've tried to keep these to a minimum. The site makes use of Twitter Bootstrap for responsiveness and has one breakpoint. The CSS has also been minimally tweaked, but only to change colours and remove rounded corners ectetera. And I've also made an effort to boost my SEO points to try and climb back up the Google rankings. If you have sucessfully managed to read this paragraph without nodding off, please ignore the footnote *. Have a look around and see what you think. Feedback - good or bad - is always welcome. * You are a wanker

Tom Fog: Missing in Action

First blog post since January. I wish I could say that I've been incredibly busy, doing really interesting things; but in truth, I couldn't be arsed to write anything. So what have I been up to? In January and February I gave up drinking. Partly because I wanted to see if I could (it was actually much easier than I thought), but mainly because I was very skint and couldn't afford it. As of yesterday I gave up smoking (which is no fun at all, I can tell you), so we'll see how long that lasts. Again, my motivation for giving up is to save money. I've been to a couple of gigs - Tom Arnold at The Groucho (a place that's been on my To Do list for years) and Misfits (utter dog shit but still my favourite band of all time). I also went to see The Rubber Bandits (who were mental), and The Blackout. No idea why. What else? I've pretty much stopped using Twitter (had to go cold turkey for a month to get over that one), but I've  become addicted to Instagram and playing Candy Crush Saga on Facebook. I'm currently stuck on level 58 if anyone cares? I've also been fraped. A couple of weeks ago I went to Barcelona for a few days to clear my head. It rained non-stop for the entire 4 days that I was there, but I had lots of fun, stayed up all night - every night - and drank a lot of absinthe. Felt like death-warmed-up for a week afterwards. My flat is haunted. Monday nights seem to be "Ghost Night" round at my place - the ghosts and ghouls and things that go bump in the night come out to play at around 3am. I used my ouija board and Satanic Bible to try and get them to fuck off, but I think I've just made it worse. I've also been getting tattooed quite regularly - I have a full Japanese leg sleeve in progress by Calypso Saga (4 sessions, approx. 12 hours so far). I've also had some smaller gap fillers here and there. I'll post some photos when it's all done. Lastly, I went out after work with some old work mates on Friday. I don't really remember too much about what happened on the night - no idea getting home - but when I woke up the next morning I found I'd dislocated my shoulder. Had to have it popped back in at A&E and everything. Still, could have been worse I suppose. At least it wasn't my wanking arm.

Golden Years

I spent too much money over the Xmas period (and in the weeks leading up to it), and as a result I've found myself incredibly skint this month. This has meant that I've had to be very careful with money through January and I've given up the booze. Cold Turkey. Having had to spend so much time in has given me a lot of time to think and evaluate my life. I've been wondering where all the time has disappeared to and asking myself: would I do things differently if I had my time all over again? The answer is undoubtedly, yes! Most of my regrets are about sex, drugs and booze - but only that I didn't have more of these things when I was younger. I had my fair share of course, but not to the excess that I would have really liked. In truth, I'm having more fun now than I ever did before - but given that most of my school pals are now married with kids and settled down - at what point do I have to do the same? At what age will I have "missed the boat"? When is it too old to dance etcetera? On Friday I was lucky enough to be given a free ticket to a gig in Camden. It was a Screamo band called The Blackout. It was good fun, but I was clearly the oldest person in the place by at least 10 years. I was certainly the only bald bloke there. Being in situations like that really make you think... Then on Saturday I went to my mum's, unannounced, and by coincidence she was looking through some old photos of me. They brought back all kinds of memories for me, so I thought I'd share a few of them on here. All were taken during my teenage years between the ages of 16-19, back in the days when I had hair and piercings (as now, I didn't like smiling much back then). I used to listen to The Doors, Supergrass, The Prodigy and Pink Floyd on a daily basis during that period in my life, and I'd sit up all night watching The Evil Dead films and listening to The Clash. I used to play Super Mario and Street Fighter 2 on my Nintendo console as well (but only up until the time I discovered the pub and put childish things behind me). There was also a picture of of teenage bedroom - complete with Che Guevara and Clockwork Orange posters - which brought back all kinds of nostalgic reminiscings. It was around those years - while I was still at school - that I got my first tattoo; a sun on my hip. Together with the piercings, this should have made me the coolest person in Sixth Form by rights. But it didn't, sadly. I actually had my first tattoo before I lost my virginity, although it was around that time that I had my first proper girlfriend - a shoplifter called Michelle who went to Notre Dame school (dirty catholic sluts). I also remember when I first went to the Ivy House pub at the age of 16 with my fake ID, or going to the Venue nightclub in New Cross. Or the Bon Bonne in Norwood and Gin Palace in Old Kent Road. I also went to Klub Ku and The Fridge but I didn't realise they were gay clubs at the time. When doing my Art A-level I got to go to life drawing classes and it was the first time I'd seen a naked lady up close (apart from watching Eurotrash, staring closeup at the telly screen with my trousers round my ankles). On the first time I went, there was an attractive young French student posing, and during the tea break she came up to me to chat (probably because I was the only other young person in the room). Certainly wouldn't happen to me now! She only put a jumper on, and when I glanced down (which I did often), I could see her vagina. I was so excited and terrified that I couldn't speak properly and ended up mumbling like a spasmo. I was much more shy in those days, I would never of had the confidence to go in to a pub and sit at the bar, talking to the barmaids like I do now. But in fairness I did look very young, and I suppose for some people these things come with age. Looking back at these pictures brought back some good memories but also made me feel a bit sad. I wonder what the next 10 years will have in store for me... Anyway, here are some of the photos: Tom Fogarty - Teenage Tom Fogarty - Teenage Tom Fogarty - Teenage Tom Fogarty - Teenage Tom Fogarty - Teenage Tom Fogarty - Teenage Bedroom

2012 Gigs

It's that time of year again when I start assessing what I've been up to for the previous 12 months, so here's a rundown of the gigs I've seen in 2012 (in order of enjoyment).   The Prodigy This could be the best gig I've ever been to (definitely in my top 3 anyway). I've seen them a couple times before and they always put on a good show. I saw them this week (19th December) at Brixton Academy, which is hands down the best music venue in London. The band didn't come on till half-past midnight and the place went in to pandemonium. I was very tired at the work the next day, but it was well worth it. Gaz Coombes Supergrass were my favourite band as a teenager, so it was a shame when they split up a couple of years ago. Gaz Coombes is still making shithot music though - both as a solo performer and with The Hot Rats. I saw Gaz Coombes at XOYO in October and it would have been my gig of the year, had it not been for The Prodigy. I got there an hour early and ended having a cigarette outside the venue with the man himself! My Penny Black Music review. Molotov Jukebox Molotov Jukebox have been my favourite band since I saw them at Secret Garden Party in 2011. They were due to play there again this year, but they had to cancel their set. I managed to catch them at the Borderline in Charing Cross at the start of December and had an amazing night. My Penny Black Music review. Tankus The Henge Surprise highlight of Secret Garden Party 2012, and I've seen them twice more since. I saw them with my mate, Gennaro, while we were both very drunk and high on MDMA (some time in the afternoon). The set ended with the audience doing a massive impromptu conga line around the tent. You can see a video of me and Gennaro dancing to them here. I'm the bald bloke in the middle and Gennaro is in the yellow stripy shirt on my right. We look like a right pair of wankers. Electric Wizard A very heavy Satanic metal band who've been around who've been around with various lineup changes since the 80s. They played early in the year at the Forum and I saw them with my mate, Chris. Hail Satan! Sheep on Drugs I've wanted to see this band for as long as I can remember. Well, since about 1996 anyway. Saw them in October in New Cross. A great show with lots of nudity. My Penny Black Music review. Bo Ningen Mental Japanese band who played a free gig at The Macbeth pub in Hoxton in March. Wicked stuff. Be Open Sound Portal This was more of an art installation then a gig, staged in Trafalgar Square. I went there on a date and had a great time with lots of laughs. Not because of the Sound Portal though - that was shit. My Penny Black Music review. Buster Shuffle A fun "mockney" ska band who I'm a massive fan of. Saw them at the 100 Club with my friend, Natalie (who sadly, didn't have sex with me afterwards). My Penny Black Music review. Tweak Bird An unusual band from America with an amazing drummer who also does the singing. Saw them at The Lexington with Chris on a cold Monday evening and I'm glad I did. Only Joe Another great band who played Secret Garden Party this year. Awesome reggae band who I hope to see again soon. Plan B I saw these at the free BBC Hackney Weekend in the summer. The day was a bit eventful but quite funny, and I blogged about it previously here. KT Tunstal This was at Secret Garden party as well. It was a very sunny day and afterwards I jumped in the lake. Fun times! Nix Nugent I went to see Nix performing with pianist, Rupert Cheek, last January at a pub in Islington. I went to university with Nix over 10 years ago where I used to really fancy her, and this was the first time I'd seen her since. I promised to do a review afterwards but then never got round to it because I'm a lazy bastard. Idiot Bastard Band Ade Edmonson's new "comedy" band. Very unfunny, sadly. My Penny Black Music review. Old Blue Post They put live music on every Sunday evening at The Old Blue Post pub in Soho. I went to this quite a bit with my friend, Carlotta. It always gets very busy and is a fun way to end the weekend and spend a Sunday night. She's gone home to Sardinia now, so I won't be going there anymore (it'll make me sad). And here's a few I didn't go to (but wanted to) Rancid, Marilyn Manson with Rob Zombie, Leonard Cohen, Jack White, Alabama Shakes and the ATP Nightmare Before Xmas festival.

List Mania 7: Drinking

I've been trying to lay off the booze recently because it's not good my mental well-being (or my wallet). Wouldn't it be good though to be able to keep up with notorious drinkers like Oliver Reed or Alex Higgins - even if just for one week - just to see what it would be like? Well, no one could keep up with that pace. Both of those individuals are now dead, incidentally. I thought I would take a note of every alcoholic, narcotic or chemical substance I consumed last week, and then scare myself in to sobriety at the end of it when I see the results. Here it is: Saturday 8th December Stayed at my mum's place to avoid the demon drink. Had 2 glasses of white wine and 10 cigarettes. Standard. Sunday 9th December Had a bottle of alcoholic ginger beer at my mum's, then had a spliff and 1 glass of absinthe (85% proof) when I got home. Plus the usual 10 fags. Monday 10th December Went to a developer's conference after work with some colleagues. There was free booze but I showed some restraint; had 1 bottle of beer and a glass of red wine. Had a spliff before bed when I got home. The usual 10 cigarettes goes without saying. Tuesday 11th December This was the night of the Xmas work party. Quite a big one: 1 can of K cider, 1 pint of guinness, 3 glasses of white wine, 2 glasses of beer (with the meal), 1 gin cocktail, 1 whiskey cocktail, 6 pints of lager, 1 can of beer. 30+ cigarettes. Still got into work by 9am though! Wednesday 12th December Had a quiet to recover from the night before - just 1 spliff and 10 cigarettes. Thursday 13th December 4 pints of guinness after work and 20ish cigarettes. 2 spliff when I got home. Friday 14th December End of a long week. 7 pints of lager after work and 20+ cigarettes. 1 spliff and quite a lot of ketamine when I got home.

Movember: Fin

Having taken part in Movember for the second year running, I thought I would take the time to thank everyone that donated. I managed to raise £95 this year and totally smashed the £40 total I raised last time. I got lots of surprise donations from people I never expected, and that really cheered me up. My friend Paul, also drew a caricature of me (which I've already shared on here previously). That bastard incidentally, managed to raise over £200 for the cause... without even growing a moustache! I took it quite seriously this time round, and pestered my friends  on a daily basis like a proper bastard "chugger". The problem I have with Movember, and where it falls down as a charity fundraising platform I think, is that people join in because it's fun - but not many actually bother to collect any money for it. I have been guilty of this in the past - which is why this year I decided to put some effort in. Blokes tend to get involved because they have always secretly wanted to try growing a moustache - but have been afraid to do so - they don't want to have the piss taken out of them, they don't want to look gay etcetera. Movember gives them a safe reason to grow a 'tache, but they do not particularly care about the charity, and will not necessarily make any real effort to collect any money. It's for this reason also, that I won't be taking part in Movember again. You can only really ask people for money for growing a moustache once, can't you? After that you're just being a nuisance. The novelty wears off. When November drew to a close I decided to go the whole hog and grow a beard. It's not a full beard by any means, but I am still pretty happy with the result. I look a bit like a homeless smack-head, or a picture of Bob Dylan I saw in the mid-70s where he appeared a bit bewildered, sitting in what looked like a mental hospital. I think I'll leave it to grow until January (2013) to see what it looks like by that time. I'll post pictures on here and write about it again, no doubt.

The Tattoo Blues
Dennis Avner aka The Stalking Cat killed himself last week. This was no ordinary human being; he had tried to transform himself into a tiger parody with the help of facial tattoos and extensive body modifications. For some strange reason he also took female hormones in order to grow a massive set of breasts. As you can see from the video, he looks absolutely nothing like a real tiger. Being a massive tattoo enthusiast, I find people like this fascinating, but at the same time I can't help thinking his excessive tattooing contributed to his downfall, and ultimately, his death. Tattoos do make you more interesting; people often ask me about the ones I have - people that would not normally spark up a conversation with me - and I like that. It's like a substitute for having a real personality. As you get more heavily covered you actually start to feel your personality change - but as some famous person once said (can't remember who, mind): "Be careful who you pretend to be, because you are who you pretend to be." By choosing to get his face tattooed in such a way, in effect Avner made himself into a monster and alienated himself from the community (I would imagine). Getting a tattoo is a brave act (or possibly just a stupid act), and you need to have a strong enough personality in order to rise above the stigma that inevitably comes with that. There are some self-made circus freaks out there such as The Enigma and Lucky Diamond Rich who carry it off well. But they have larger than life, outgoing characters. Most of us don't. The trouble is the more you have - the more you want. And you only have a limited amount of space to fill before they creep out of your sleeves and over your hands and up your neck. It is very addictive. Another factor is that getting a new tattoo cheers you up if you're feeling down. With a couple of exceptions where I got a spur of the moment tattoo (such as in Amsterdam, last Halloween or on Friday 13th this year) - I've had most of my tattoos during shitty periods of my life. This is only a temporary fix, however, and if you don't actually deal with the problem directly - you'll just end up getting another tattoo to cheer yourself up again. And so it goes on. I read somewhere recently that Britain is the most heavily-tattooed nation in the world with 1 in 3 now having some ink. But even so, by having 20+ tattoos (and counting), I've pretty much ruled myself out of having a relationship with any bird who isn't a massive tattoo fan. This might be different if: a) I was incredibly handsome b) I was incredibly witty and charming c) I had a massive cock and a great physique d) I was rich But sadly, I have none of these things. And still I don't regret having any of my tattoos done (yet), mainly because I am very stupid.

Dance! Dance! Dance!
Back when I worked for the charity DM agency, Whitewater, a few of the team were roped in to making this comedy dance video. It was for someone's leaving do, and yesterday it was put up on YouTube by Adam Atkinson. Adam is a budding Art Director at an even bigger agency now and this video was totally put together by him. If you look closely you can see me in there being spun round on my head (feeling something akin to Karl Pilkington being tormented by Ricky Gervaise and Stephen Merchant). Although I'm much happier at my current job, I do miss the people at Whitewater and the fun we had (and especially the drinking). Enjoy!

Hate Mail

I remember ages ago someone gave me this advice about websites: when you set up your own site, at first people will ignore it, then your friends will like it, then you will gain some new fans that you've never met before. And then you will start to get hate mail. Obviously I'm no stranger to angry online messages (I am the creator of The Gary Glitter Twitter Bot after all), but this one I received yesterday is particularly good. I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about, but then it's not every day you get an email from a stupid American cow is it? Her name is Sally Cevasco and she lives in Maryland, presumably in some sort of mobile home or something. I was very tempted to include a photo of her face for you to laugh at but then decided against it. I might post all kinds inappropriate filth on here, but I won't post a photo of a munter. She's no spring chicken either. Judging from her Google+ profile, I'd say she's about 50 - which only makes her email seem even weirder. Bloody mental case. Anyway, here's her charming email (if you know what it means, please let me know): she didn't spell  judgement  on her body idiot. i'm sure if she dedecid to tatoo this blog on her tits she'd have the spelling right. that's the humor in the post right there.a0just keep your nose in the books and do what teacher tells you. you'll come out of college all smart and ready to make tough decisions  

London Tattoo Convention 2012

I went on my annual jaunt to the London Tattoo Convention on Saturday. I had the best of times and the worst of times as Dickens might say (if he was keen on posing tattooed twats). The reasons for why it was good - I don't really want to go into at the moment. Yes, there are things that are too personal - even for me - to share. But to put it bluntly (yet still very obscurely), the reasons for why I enjoyed this year more than ever - had nothing to do with tattoos. But why did I also not enjoy it? Mainly because I am a little bit over tattooing. Yes, I realise it's my main topic of conversation, and I get them more regularly than I have even done - but at the same time that is why it's a little bit boring for me. I no longer get the buzz off a fresh tattoo. It's just something that I do - and feel compelled to keep doing - a bit like drinking tea, smoking or going to the pub. I am not a tattooist, nor involved in the tattoo industry in any way; I've had enough tattoos of my own to not find it a novelty to see others going under the needle. I had a tattoo while I was there from Stefano C from Frith Street. It's a really good tattoo, one of my best and the experience was enjoyable - but it wasn't the same adrenaline rush it once was. As I alluded too earlier, my main rush of the day came from entirely different sources. That said, Stefano is a very cool bloke and a great tattooist, and I am sure I will have more tattoos from him in the future. I will stick a glowing review and a photo up on this site once it's healed. I think it was more the vibe of the event as a whole that had somehow lost it's magic. I was also incredibly tired on the day. I'm getting a new one on Saturday and I am really am looking forward to, however. It's by a famous tattoo artist and it's in a painful spot. This means I will be more nervous than usual and ipso facto, the tattoo will be more exciting. One of the very coolest aspects of getting a tattoo at a convention is being tattooed in an unfamiliar environment. It is far more public than usual. It is cramped and it is crowded. Strangers take photos of you without asking. You do not have the comforts of lying on a bench as you would in a studio; instead you sit in a rickety chair and simply hold your limb out at a funny angle. This is charming and fun in it's own kind of way. I probably won't go again, but London Tattoo Convention - I salute you. We've had some fun together.

New Twitter Header Profile Layout

Twitter launched it's new Header profile layout this week, reminiscent of Facebook's recent Timeline style. Surprisingly, Twitter were very low-key about the announcement, considering the new look is one of the most striking changes to the site since it's launch in 2006. The new feature has not been imposed upon all users, and the header option is hidden away in Twitter's design edit page.   To enable the new header profile: Edit Profile > Design > Change Header The dimensions of the header are 520 x 260px, but Twitter recommends 1200 x 600 (max. size 5MB). Having my finger pressed firmly on the digital pulse, I was eager to implement the new look on my own account, and you can see the results at @SpiderWebDesign I also updated my background image while I was at, and chose to use a tiled image of my mug splashed across the page; highlighting my poor Photoshop skills, non-existent eye for design, and perhaps, megalomania.

I've always been a big fan of sharks; they're big and scary and definitely not the kind of creatures you'd want to bump into on a dark night. In fact, the sea is pretty intimidating and imposing in general really. I'm not the strongest of swimmers and my stroke looks a bit like I'm having a real stroke. When I swim I actually look as if I might be drowning. Maybe that has something to do with why I find sharks so frightening - they are always hanging around in deep murky water. Well that, and their big fuck-off teeth. The artist Sebastian Horsley (yes, I know I've spoken about him many times before) - was also obsessed about these deadly fish. He was always trying to paint them, but was forever frustrated that he couldn't capture their ferociousness and raw power on canvas. Similarly, I'd quite like to get a tattoo of a shark, but worry that the results might be underwhelming. Anyway here's a video compilation of some of the best shark attack moments from monster movies, accompanied by some dramatic  music. For my money, Jaws is one of the best horror films of all time.

Chris Brown’s Silly Neck Tattoo

Some people in the office were talking today about Chris Brown's new neck tattoo. I had no idea who Chris Brown was, but as soon as tattoos were mentioned I took a bit of interest. It turns out that Chris Brown is a rapper (or something like that), and he used to go out with Rihanna. I had no idea who Rihanna was either, until I remembered that I saw her at Hackney Weekend earlier this year. Although actually, it might have been Jamelia. Or Beyonce. She did a song about having an umbrella. Anyway, getting back to the point - Chris Brown beat Rihanna up while they were going out. Properly beat her up; black eyes, non-custodial sentence - the lot. This is not something I approve of. It's not big or clever and it's certainly not something to make a joke about. Although in fairness, after seeing her perform at Hackney Weekend - I'd quite like to bash her about the head with an umbrella. The gist of the conversation at work was this: Chris Brown has had a tattoo of Rihanna with a beaten up face done on his neck! (see picture above) This was when I got really interested. After a quick root around online, it turns out it wasn't a portrait of his pummelled ex-girlfriend at all, but "a combination of a Mexican Day of The Dead skull... and a design by cosmetics firm, MAC". Erm, ok. Something even more ludicrous then! I most admit, I was a little bit disappointed when I found this out. Even though it would have been in extremely bad taste and totally offensive, it would have been interesting. Instead, it's just a rubbish tattoo. As I've mentioned on here many times - I do enjoy FTW prison-style tattoos. Tattoos that show your social class, tattoos that ruin your life. I remember when I was about 12 or 13, I used to see an old punk rocker walking along New Cross Road on my way to school. I'd guess he was on his way to work (or possibly a drop in centre), but he had the lovely phrase "EAT SHIT" tattooed on his forehead. No doubt a charming man. The only good thing I can say about Chris Brown's neck tattoo is that it's very crudely done. Judging by the quality - for a man with a lot of money to spend - he obviously doesn't believe in spending top dollar for his tattoos. And I like that. F.T.W

Hello world!

So I've revamped my site after a long hiatus and I thought I'd kick off by using the classic "Hello World!" blog post. I've tried to make the site a bit more funky and easier to use. (See how the site used to look in the photo on the right) I'm also trying to promote this site as more of a personal website - yes, I'm a web developer for my day job - but that's only part of my life. I'm also a music writer for Penny Black, so I've included reference to that as well. Hopefully this way, I can separate my personal life from my work life a little bit online. Basically, I want people to come here to read my blog and find out more about me as a person - without dwelling on PHP and HTML5 too much. It also means I can say what I want on here without it reflecting too much on my career. I'm going to be re-doing my other site - focussing on what I do for a living. It will use the latest web technologies, and the aim is it for act as my professional portfolio i.e no mention of tattoos, GG Allin, binge-drinking and the like. This easiest way to navigate this blog is by browsing through the archive listed on the left. You can also browse by category, handily grouped into sections such as "London Life", "Woe", "Tattoos" and "Moustaches" etcetera. Popular Posts is also a good place to browse... And as if that wasn't enough, here are some funny popular posts to get you started: Shitballs Weekend Joana and The Wolf - Koko Gig List Mania: Porno Titles Pedro the Pornstar Cat No Pants! 5 Minutes in the Life of an Idiot Motorhead Gig - Brixton I Don't Like Cake Everybody Needs Good Neighbours Dog Bites and Full Moon I've set up a new Facebook page to go with site and I'll probably get that finished off at some point this week: Enjoy!

Shitballs Weekend

I've not been going out much lately. This is partly due to me trying to cut down on my drinking (but more about that in another blog post next week) - but mostly because I've been working really long hours and feeling exhausted. Also, I'm skint! With the exception of a Buster Shuffle gig at the 100 Club recently, I've not been out on a school night in about 6 weeks. The gig was bloody brilliant by the way. I was supposed to go out last Thursday. I was pretty excited about it - I polished my head, put on some red trousers and everything - but when the day came I had a horribly tight work deadline so had to cancel at the last minute. This has been happening a lot of late. Bearing this in mind, I was really looking forward to going to Hackney Weekend last Sunday (24th June). This was a free 2-day mini festival put on by BBC Radio 1  in Hackney Marshes, East London. The line-up was packed with big stars (so I'm told) - including Plan B, Jessie J and Florence and The Machine. Now I can't complain too much, what with it being a completely free event all, and everyone knows it's not like me to moan - but what a right shambles it was. Firstly, it's been raining a lot lately - so Hackney Marshes lived up to it's name - it really was a swamp. Secondly, the security was so tight - it took me 2 hours to get in (and also meant there was little chance of me scoring any drugs while in there). At least it reduced my chances of getting stabbed somewhat, although with the benefit of hindsight, perhaps it would have been a better experience if I had been. I finally made it into "the marsh" at about 2pm - only just in time to see the start of Plan B. He's the fat chav who starred in Harry Brown, playing himself no doubt. He was actually very good but it went downhill from there. Next up was Jessie J. She was incredibly hot and a very good dancer, but that's about it. She didn't do a lot of singing, preferring to hold the mic out towards the crowd and getting them to do it for her. I hate it when they do that. I paid good money to see you. Except on this occasion I didn't. Still, thanks love. She also talks in a strange cod-rasta accent. I hope she was trying to be ironic. But probably not. I'd still shag her though. After that I spent a lot of time sitting down and getting steadily drunk (at exorbitant prices) on frothy watered down piss. Carling I think it was called. The place was running alive with excited underage girls jiggling around in skimpy clothes. Made me feel quite uncomfortable to tell the truth. A 7-14 year stretch inside, any which way I turned my head. I didn't know where to look. Trouble is, I knew exactly where to look. I felt like a dirty old man, sitting in a field. Which is pretty much what I was. Florence and The Machine were on after that. No idea who they were, but everyone else leapt instantly to their feet and started grooving. They were shit. Poor man's answer to Joana and The Wolf if you ask me. After that the headliner was on. Can't remember what her name was, but she was a young black girl. Possibly Jamelia? I went home. On my way out, I had to walk past a gang of Asian teenagers with little beards and funky ridiculous-looking baggy trousers. Possibly some sort of religious thing? "Harry Hill" called one of them when I was past them. Very clever and well thought out, that. I was in no mood to go paki-bashing, and even though the one who shouted out looked like the fat stupid one from the Arabian Tales (you know the one who's always losing his donkey?) - I didn't turn back and say anything. I wouldn't do that, I'm far too polite. Got home in time to see the end of the match where England got knocked out of the football. A splendid end to a marvellous weekend. F. T. W

RIP GG Allin: 29 August 1956 – 28 June 1993
On this day 19 years ago, GG Allin died of a heroin overdose. Probably my favourite performer of all time, GG was a complete maniac, out of control both on and off the stage. No one could be as hardcore, so why even try? If I could have seen any band in their prime - causing havoc - he would definitely have been top of my list (along with The Doors, The Misfits, Ricky Martin, and possibly Elton John). I remember when I was about 20, I went on a pilgrimmage to see Jim Morrison's grave in Pere Le Chase, Paris, and one one day I intend to do the same with GG Allin. Although I did try to do a home made stick-and-poke GG tattoo some time back - it fell out pretty quickly. Which just just goes to prove my earlier statement: no one could be as hardcore, so why even try? There are tons of stories about GG online, plus a plethora of vintage clips of his onstage carnage on YouTube. You can even find clips of his funeral, which rapidly descends into mayhem. I strongly urge you to seek them out. RIP GG Allin.

I've never been into horoscopes and astrology, in fact I think it's a load of old bollocks. (I'm a Capricorn after all, and we're very skeptical). That said, I've been reading up on personality traits of Capricorns - mainly out of boredom - and what I found described was quite interesting. Having looked on several sites, the main characteristics seems to be these: Hard-working, intense, moody, mean, bitter, pessimistic, witty, introverted Surely that's no description of me? I especially refute 4) - anyone who's been out to the pub with me will know that I'm not tight; I am Mr Give. Although perhaps that has more to do with the effects of alcohol, rather than my inherent mannerisms. Here are some other choice quotes from various online resources: "There is also a tendency to pessimism, melancholy and even unhappiness which many Capricorn are unable to keep to themselves, especially if they fail personally. In the extreme this trait can make them a very depressed individual; ecstatic happiness alternating with the most wretched kind of misery which is so subconsciously buried that he or she should seek help if such emotions become frequent." Erm... "The swings in mood are not the only reason some Capricorns deserve the adjective based on their name - capricious. They can be surprisingly and suddenly witty and subtle for the quiet, reserved individuals they seem to be, and they also have a tendency to ruin things by unexpected and utterly irresponsible bouts of flippancy. In certain individuals in whom the characteristic is strong, the temptation to do this has to be resisted with iron self-control. Another unexpected quality in some Capricorn is an interest in the occult which persists in spite of their naturally skeptical turn of mind." Hmn... "Their intellects are sometimes very subtle. They think profoundly and deeply, throughly exploring all possibilities before deciding on a 'safe' alternative. They have good memories and an insatiable yet methodical desire for knowledge. They are rational, logical and clearheaded, have good concentration, delight in debate in which they can show off their cleverness by luring their adversaries into traps and confounding them with logic." Um... "In their personal relationships they are often ill-at-ease, if not downright unhappy. They are somewhat self-centered but not excessively so, wary and cautious around people they do not know very well, preferring not to meddle with others and in turn not to allow interference with themselves, thus they tend to attract people who do not understand them. They are also hung like donkeys and perform like sexual dynamite in bed." Ok, I made that last sentence up. One website even goes as far as to list illnesses that we are susceptible to, listing: Manic depression, paranoia, brittle knees, leprosy I honestly didn't make that list up, but nowhere online mentions anything about baldness, boozing or tattoos. Capricorn. Personified by a goat, sometimes with a fish’s tail. 22nd December – 20th January. Be glad you’re not one! The music video above is Capricorn by Motorhead (lead singer, Lemmy is one too).

Up and Running Again

I've not had time to post on here recently, mainly because the last few weeks have been very hectic - so here's a quick update on what I've been up to: About 4 weeks ago the agency that I work for, Whitewater, went into liquidation. We had no warning beforehand and it was a pretty stressful and manic time. Wisely, I used alcohol as crutch during this time. You can read more about the demise of Whitewater here if you so wish. Luckily, I managed to find a new job within 2 weeks with a digital marketing agency in Soho. I started a fortnight ago and I'm really happy there (although I'm still getting used to the workload and heavy schedule). Some of our clients include Friends of The Earth, The British Heart Foundation, RSPCA and The Royal British Legion (plus lots of non-charity companies). Although I've been very poor for a month, scrimping and saving and whatnot while I wait for my first packet of wages - I did a bit of freelance work to tide me over. I also had the pleasure of signing-on at the salubrious Peckham Job Centre for 2 weeks. I found that everything is free when you're on the dole, so I treated myself to a free checkup at the dentist, as well as an eye-test. I also got myself some swanky new glasses like Elton John/Timmy Mallet. I'm booked in to get a groovy new tattoo with the lovely and highly-talented Calypso in July, which I'm really excited about. And it also means I'll be able to cross another one off my list. I'll post pictures when it's done, no doubt. For fun, I've mainly been drinking heavily, and I went to a couple of all-nighters at The Prince Charles Cinema which were both really fun nights. I received my Olympics 2012 boxing tickets today, so I have that to look forward to in just over a month as well. I've been working on a complete revamp of this very website, which should be live in the next few weeks, fingers crossed. And finally, in another groundbreaking announcement, I've swapped smoking Drum tobacco for B&H, as I found I was getting a bit throaty and my fingers were becoming a lurid shade of orange.

Sit on MySpace!

Who remembers MySpace? Does anyone even use it these days? I must confess that I really used to enjoy MySpace - I preferred it much more than Facebook in fact. The main reason for this, was that it allowed users to edit the HTML/CSS - so in effect, everyone's profile became a personal website of sorts. The downside of this was that some people made some shocking pages, complete with dancing bananas and tinny annoying music (but no one should hold this again me - I had to learn to code somewhere). Another dodgy issue was the way in which teenage girls used to flaunt themselves, posing for profile pictures in their underwear etcetera - but is this really a negative point? I suppose I've always had a dodgy outlook in some respects... I've recently enjoyed using Facebook more than I ever did, and this is because of the new timeline layout and features - especially the timeline covers - all of which are akin to MySpace in my humble opinion. Another reason for being a a fan of MySpace, was that it was public and it  encouraged it's users to make friends. This is the total opposite of Facebook, which is private and aloof in it's approach to social networking, although remains in popularity, nonetheless. The privacy of Facebook is probably reassuring to the parents of them teenage girls, mind; especially with people like me lurking about! Another great thing about MySpace was the way in which it enabled bands, artists and tattooists to build up a fanbase and interact with them directly. Public sharing was commonplace, which I think is no bad thing. For anyone who's interested, here my MySpace profile (which I've always kept, just for posterity): And while we're at it, here's my Bebo too:

Annoying Facebook Friends

Recently a friend of mine - Natalie - shared this link, listing "10 annoying Facebook friends everyone has". It's very funny and also, scarily accurate. I'm not sure which category I would fall into; either The Complainer, The Oversharer, or The Self Promoter - most probably. Natalie posted this linked via Facebook, obviously, and it's well worth having a read: Thinking about the article, here are a few more Facebook friend types that I would like to add to the list: The Troll - uses Facebook merely as a means to annoy friends and people around them; posting things that are offensive and replying to wall threads in an antagonizing manner. This type quite possibly sums me up better than any other, especially when drunk. The LOLer - replies to every post with acronyms that no one else understands, such as "LOL", "PMSL" or "ROFL". Usually female, and frequently signs off with several rows of kisses: XXXXXXXXXX The Comedian - status updates consist of jokes they have copied & pasted from other sites. Comedians tend to be very unfunny in real life, and will probably commit suicide one day. The Lurker - these are the friends from your past - not seen in years - who suddenly add you as a friend out of the blue. They then remain silent if any attempt is made to subsequently communicate with them. Probably chronic masturbators in hunt of Ibiza 2008 bikini holidays snaps. Or simply they are "friend collectors". The Shocker - very similar to The Oversharer in the link posted above, these are the friends who post lurid statements about their sexual activity, drug intake, or other inappropriate behaviour. Regularly swear too. I could easily fit into this camp as well. Again, especially when drunk.

Sebastian Horsley Crucifixion
Because it's Easter I'd thought I'd share this youtube clip of the artist, Sebastian Horsley, being crucified. The video is totally real and quite unnerving, although you don't actually see any blood. He doesn't shout out when the nails go through his hands, which means he must of had quite a high pain threshold - or been totally off his tits on smack at the time (both are equally likely). There is also a clip on YouTube of the cross breaking and him falling off - again, not planned - and is even more disturbing. Or funny. Depending on your point of view. It was filmed as a sort of art installation and Horsley had wanted to call it: Is There a God? Or Am I Too Fat? And as Horsley said himself: "I have to say, Easter never really meant anything to me. That season when we remind each other of the judicial murder of a Jewish revolutionary two thousand years ago by distributing chocolate eggs to the children of people we dislike." So Happy Easter everyone!

The Sebastian Horsley Guide to Whoring
I re-read one of my favourite books last week, Dandy in The Underworld by Sebastian Horsley. I first read the book a few years ago, and was so taken by it that I promptly went out a got a tattoo for Horsley when he died. View the tattoo here Horsley was a self-styled dandy, an artist and a massive smack head. During his career he had himself crucified out in the Philippines. Real nails through the palms and everything. He also slept with over a 1000 prostitutes. I was slightly trepidatious before reading the book again - just in case it wasn't as good the second time round - but I'm glad to say I enjoyed it just as much. It's probably the most funny thing I've ever read - one of those books where almost every line is quotable, and makes you want to steal from it and pass it off as your own. Very handy for obsessive Twitter users like myself.

Stuff for Sale (and life update)

Been too busy to blog lately. Mainly because I've been spending long hours at work, and long hours at the pub. Not very interesting I'll admit, but I did go to the launch of Skyn condoms a few weeks ago, posing as a journalist from Breaking Travel News. It was at Shoreditch House and very swanky it was too. I also went to see a band called Bo Ningen at The Macbeth in Hoxton. Crazy music, and crazy-looking band. It was a fun night and the place was ram-packed with Japanese (my grandad would have thrown a fit). I've also made a new friend at the pub - an ex-bank robber and convicted criminal called Ken the Magic. We smoke crack together. Last but not least, I'm re-doing my website. Watch this space. The main point of this post, however, is to raise some cash. I'm very skint at the moment. Seriously skint. Having just re-read Dandy in The Underworld by Sebastian Horsely, I briefly considered becoming a rent-boy - but that way leads to madness. Besides which, I'd starve to death. Anyway, I have the following items up for grabs: 4 tickets for the Olympics. 2 tickets for a day of track and field, and 2 tickets for the semi finals of the boxing 2 Roland Garros paintings. Genuine collectors items, these. Go for quite a bit at auctions. Don't ask where I got them from A Ben Sherman shirt and jumper (never been worn and a bit too smart for the likes of me) A silver rotary wristwatch - mint condition A gold sovereign ring (I was born in Peckham and used to be a plastic gangster of sorts) A Mesh Matrix dual-core Desktop PC with a flat screen 2 air guns. Actually, they're replica guns - illegal to buy in the shops these days. Handy for committing muggings, rapes, bookie robberies etcetera A small crate of absinthe. Not the shit that you can buy in pubs over here, this is imported Hungarian stuff - it's 75% proof and will knock your head off. You'll see spiders bursting out of the chimney and dead people in the bath. A ton of American Region 1 Troma DVDs Email me if you're interested in any of the above. I really do need the money, thanks!

How to Get On Pinterest

The current social media buzz is all about Pinterest. It's working on an invite only basis at the moment, but you can also send a request directly to Pinterest and go on their invites waiting list. So what is Pinterest? Quite simply, it's a virtual pin board where you can save your favourite images. You can organise the pictures into categories. And that's about it. Sounds shit but I must admit, I do sort of like the idea though. How can you get onto Pinterest? As mentioned before, you can send a request to the site itself. This takes about a week. I know this as I applied last weekend and got an invite today (even though I was already a member, through sneaking in via other means...). The other way (and this is the real way I got in), is to pester your mates. Every Pinterest user can invite an unlimited amount of friends to join. Surely you must know someone who's already on there? You can also plead and beg on social networking platforms - Facebook, Twitter, Google+ etc. I had to resort to this method as well, seeing as I don't have any real flesh and blood friends. If anyone wants to get an invite - just drop me an email - I'm happy to send out invites (even to complete strangers, yo). I quite like the experience so far - the interface is clean and intuitive - although from what I've seen so far, you can't rearrange your pictures manually after pinning them to your board. My main gripe with the site is when you join up it warns you to "be nice" and "no nudity". Which pretty much pisses my original intentions up the wall. (My first Pinterest board was to be a massive wall of tits). I'm also a bit confused on the true purpose of Pinterest; should it be used to house a collection of images - where each board has a high visual impact? Should it be used as an influence map? Or should it be used as a collection related images that links back to other interesting sites and articles on the internet? With that in mind, my first board is somewhat limited by comparison:

Pop Goes the Weasel

There's a pub I go to, 2 doors down from where I work. It's called The Eagle and it's in Shoreditch. I spend most of my money there. I was quite pleased today to find out that the old nursery rhyme, Pop Goes the Weasel, references this pub (along with the City Road, which leads to it). Strange what you find out in the pub isn't it? A couple of years ago I found out the street where I used to work (Laystall Street in Clerkenwell) - was so-called because people used to go there to take a crap i.e "lay stools". And Peter Ackroyd said that in a book, so it must be true. I love that about London. You can read more about that here. Anyway, here's the nursery rhyme: Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. That’s the way the money goes, Pop goes the weasel. Up and down the City road, In and out the Eagle, That’s the way the money goes, Pop goes the weasel. Every night when I go out the monkey’s on the table. Take a stick and knock it off Pop goes the weasel. A penny for a ball of thread Another for a needle, That’s the way the money goes, pop goes the weasel. All around the cobblers bench the monkey chased the people; The donkey thought ’twas all in fun, pop goes the weasel.

Dark Arts

This is a bit late (but only by about 9 months), so I thought I'd share it anyway. Back in June I went to the Modern Panic Exhibition. It was held at The Old Abattoir in Clerkenwell, and featured some very creepy pieces. Some of the artists included tattooist Alex Binnie, and "Britain's mosts dangerous prisoner", Charles Bronson. The atmosphere of the surroundings really enhanced the work on display, and I felt genuinely uneasy as I was walking around. It was probably the best exhibition I've ever attended (my previous favourite being the Sensations exhibition back in the 90s, featuring Damien Hirst, Tracy Emin et al). A while back I was banging on on here about getting an exhibition together called Dark Side. Well nothing I could throw together could ever be as interesting or well executed as this, so I'm knocking that idea on the head! I remember a few years ago I went to the Francis Bacon exhibition at Tate Britain; I took the Chinese bit of fluff that I was seeing at the time. I really enjoyed it, but she was completely appalled by the disturbing scenes of twisted faces, mutilated animals and crippled infants. This surprised me a lot as I thought that was the kind of stuff they normally eat for dinner? Surprisingly, we were only going out for a short time - but even in that short time, I'll never forgive her for not giving me a blowjob. Anyway, enjoy the art:

Lucozade Bukake

A couple of months ago a work colleague showed me a picture at his Macbook. He was on the Lucozade website (no idea why), where they have a page featuring their products. As soon as I saw the picture, we both started laughing hysterically for about ten minutes. Then we continued to snigger for about an hour. After that I was laughing inside for the rest of the day. Was it just us, or does this look suspiciously like gay porn? If I had better photoshop skills I'd quite like to doctor this photo a little, but it's not really necessary; it still suggests a homosexual facial cum shot to me. Even the slogan sounds charged with innuendo to me: "Whatever you're packing for, we've got it covered..." I  work a for a direct digital marketing company (or something like that). I think we do websites, mail drops, and campaigns for charities - but I'm really not to sure to be honest. Possibly some of the charities we work for save African babies, and I think another is dedicated to stopping farmers piling bricks up on donkeys. The finer details elude me. Anyway, we have creative briefs where concepts are thrown around before we start any actual work on sites/campaigns. I'm just wondering the thought process that led to the team over at Lucozade deciding a photo mimicking an excited gay receiving a heavy faceful of jizz would be a good way to promote their product? Even if I've got their campaign logic wrong - and there is no gay porn symbolism here - why would anyone want to squirt sticky lucozade in their face. I'd personally opt for the jism instead... Click the image for a better view. PS. If you're not sure what "bukake" is, I don't recommend googling it at work...

GG Allin Funeral
This week I'm heading up to Staffordshire for a family funeral on Monday. I'm not really looking forward to it and it'll be odd to see my family after so many years, but still, at least I'll get a day off work. Rather than dwell on my own boring affairs, here's a run down of rock icon, GG Allin's funeral: GG died on 3rd July 1993 following a heroin overdose. His final show on the previous night had ended in a mini-riot, culminating in GG stampeding down the street throwing dustbins while being chased by the police. He was totally naked and covered in his own blood and shit. Plenty of footage from this can be found on the internet, or in the excellent DVD, Hated: GG Allin. GG had an open coffin at his wake, and his body was not cleaned up - still bloodied and caked in excrement. He was wearing a leather jacket, cowboy boots and a jockstrap. Nothing else. Fans placed drugs and alcohol around him, and his brother, Merle, placed earphones on him, blasting out tunes from the Suicide Sessions, recorded some years earlier. Classy do.

I Love Primark

Had to go out clothes shopping yesterday, and I hate clothes shopping. That's why I go around dressed like a complete tramp most of the time. I also hate washing and ironing, but that's a separate issue. If I want to make a bold statement about my appearance, I'd prefer to get a tattoo than buy a new pair of jeans. Some of my pants are so old, it's only the stubborn under-stains holding them together * To make things more complicated, the clothes I needed to get were for a funeral next week. Luckily, my family are an odd lot and they want the event to be fun, rather than some dour occasion. I toyed with the idea of getting a Dracula costume from the fancy dress shop, but then realised this might be a tad inappropriate. Mainly because they've ruled out black - only bright colours will be allowed. Interestingly, they've also chosen to go for a woven basket coffin, and no wreaths are to be bought. Instead we have to thread flowers through the weaves of the coffin. Presumably after that we'll all sacrifice a goat, drink it's blood, and then dance around naked, like fools. All sounds a bit like The Wicker Man for my liking. Well I'm not going to touch the coffin, no fucking way. Anyway, back to the shopping: too utterly confound my troubles, I decided to do it in Bromley - i.e Chav Central. At one point I got "the fear" and almost started crying whilst walking through the busy Glades Shopping Centre. Luckily I grew a pair, and instead of having a breakdown - marched into Primark. There, I was able to buy a pair of bright red chinos, 2 pairs of jeans and a tie - all for £30. That should fix me up nicely for next 10 years or so. Bet I never wear the tie though. * I stole this line from Vyvyan in The Young Ones, circa 1984.

RIP Joana and The Wolf (and Auntie Lilly)
Sad news this week. Last week my aunt died. She was called Lilly and she was 83. She lived in Birmingham or somewhere like that. Hadn't seen her for about 14 years, since my nan's funeral in fact. Sadder still, I found out that my favourite band, Joana and The Wolf split up on 30th December. And shortly before that - a few weeks earlier - my other favourite band, Grinderman announced that they were going to call it a day: I remember getting hooked on JATW after the first time I saw them - at a screening of An American Werewolf in London a few years ago. Since then I've seen them loads of times. They played a lot of free gigs, you see. People usually haven't heard of them, but when they hear the name tend to assume they were a Florence and The Machine/Jonah and The Whale clone, but this is not the case. JATW were far better than either of those bands, and started out before them. At one time I was going to do their website, but it never happened in the end. The drummer always used to say hello to me before their gigs though, which I thought was nice. I've dragged most of my mates to see them (mainly Chris and Paul), and everyone who's seen them has enjoyed their music. Or possibly they were just being polite. I wish I could have taken Lauren to see them. And Crystal and Gennaro too. And it's a real pity they never released an album. The video above was at Secret Garden Party 2011. I was just out of shot, stage right, going off my tits on Ecstasy and MDMA. I was also wearing wellies. I had a great time! This was at Koko a couple of years ago. If you squint to the left of the stage you might just be able to spot me; I was trying (unsuccessfully) to make a girl called Diana fall in love with me. Later that night, I got "the fear" and went completely spastic on the night bus: Here they are at Favela Chic, round the corner from where I work. I was at this gig too, and got very drunk. On my way home I lost my oyster card on the tube, then had a fist fight with the ticket man at the other end. I tried to vault over the gates, but mangled my legs and ended up sprawled on the floor: Here are some of my other blog posts about them: Joana and The Wolf - Koko Gig Secret Garden Party 2011 Roundup Joana and The Wolf at Secret Garden Party Joana and The Wolf

Ted Hankey the Christmas Poo (and his tattoo)

Yesterday, flabby bald darts cunt, Ted Hankey, got knocked out of the BDO semi-finals, complaining about the air conditioning. Well he should try playing a game in our office then. Although I doubt he would; he'd only start complaining about the laminated flooring, or the poofy wallpaper in the gents' toilets or something. And the four flights of stairs would kill him for sure. We do have a darts board though. After the defeat, he announced his departure from the BDO, which undoubtedly means he'll be swapping leagues and playing for Barry Hearn's PDC next season. "The Count" would then have the opportunity to change his nickname, possibly to "Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo", or simply, "The Cunt". Having a look through Google Analytics yesterday, I noticed that someone had found this blog from searching on The Sun's Website for "Ted Hankey Tattoo": Tom Fogarty - Darts Roundup Well, I hope they like what they found! Here's a picture of Ted Hankey getting a tattoo, which can be found here. It's a tattoo of the Bride of Dracula, which he got at Pyscho Tattoos in Kinmel Bay. A classy tattoo for a classy bloke. Imaginatively, the article is called "Darts champion Ted Hankey gets tattoo in Kinmel Bay", so it's a very rare combination where you get to see high quality journalism, sublime art, and top-notch sport - all rolled in to one. Hopefully someone will find this website via The Sun website again soon, this time searching for "flabby bald darts cunt Ted Hankey".

For me, 2011 was the year of the troll. For anyone who doesn't know what the phrase means (apart from being an ugly slow-witted beastie), in internet parlance it's anyone who causes trouble online. People that lurk in chat rooms, posting nonsense to wind up others - those are trolls. People that send emails marked as "highest priority" (even though they're actually not) - those are trolls too. I didn't realise until this year, that I'm actually a massive troll; generally on Facebook and Twitter, arguing in threads with anything my friends say - just for the sake of it. Here's a brilliant example of someone trolling internet dating sites, very funny stuff. Then I saw the film Troll Hunter, released in 2011, and the word started to mean much more: Based on the film, "trolling" is simply to catch trolls. Therefore in my lingo, chatting up birds (particularly rough ones), is to go "trolling" or to be a troll hunter. The word seems to have expanded and can take many forms - the only way to understand it's meaning fully, is to appreciate the context in which it's used. This means you have to be able to follow the logic inside my head, with is no mean feat. It's a bit sloppy to use language in this way though; a bit like when the smurfs use the word "smurfy" interchangeably to represent whatever they happen to be thinking at the time: "Hey Smurfette, I'm feeling totally smurfy today!". Little blue cunts. "Troll" is such a funny word though (to me at least).

2011 in Retrospect

Looking back over the year, I've had quite a good one. Scanning over last year's 2011 resolutions - basically the same list every bloody year - I've ticked a few of them off in the last 12 months. Here are some of the bits and bobs I've done this year (some good, some not so good): Spent a week in Barcelona in a hostel, getting sun burnt and wasted. Went to 3 music festivals - Primavera in Spain, ATP: Nightmare Before Xmas (at Butlins!) and Secret Garden Party - which I actually went to on my own (for bonus points). Primavera Sound Part 1: Videos Secret Garden Party 2011 Roundup I saw Bob Dylan and The Cranberries at The Feis. I went to see Chas & Dave's farewell gig (the gig was so successful, the bastards promptly reformed the following month): I got a new job - web developer for a digital agency: Whitewater. 3 rounds of interviews and 2 tests, quite proud of that one. I then won the "Cockup of The Month" award at work - one month after starting. I started writing for a music rag - Penny Black Music. Check out my reviews/interviews here. I had some attractive couch-surfers from Sweden and America stay at my flat - and I didn't even attempt to shag or molest them or anything. I got a couple of tattoos done (well, 9 to be exact). One of them was done by Chad Koeplinger. Russian Criminal Owl Tattoo I saw Grinderman before they announced they were splitting. I went into a bookie's and placed a bet on a horse. BETCHA! I went to see Joana and The Wolf (on several occasions), and went completely spastic at Koko. Joana and The Wolf - Koko Gig I designed a few new freelance websites. I saw Big Trouble in Little China and The Evil Dead trilogy at the cinema (yes, I think that's something worth mentioning). I did a hell of a lot of "trolling". I grew a moustache and raised some money for Movember. I jumped into a freezing lake to save a drowning child and then resuscitated him (ok, this one is a lie - but the list was getting quite thin). And that's about it. My favourite new films of the year were Troll Hunter and Hobo With a Shotgun. And finally, here are some pictures of me getting drunk at the work summer party - included for no other reason than it was a fun day:

Hi-de-Hi Campers!
I'm going on holiday to Butlins this weekend in Somerset. For anyone not in the UK, Butlins are those cheap and cheerful holiday camps that sprang up here after the war. They provided kiss-me-quick fun and light saucy entertainment. And Somerset is the place where they milk cows, drink scrumpy cider and mainly eat apples. Then around the 70s international travel became more affordable and the Brits went abroad to get pissed on their holidays. So Butlins died. These days, Butlins has become the site of music festivals off-season, which is what I'm going to. The Event is called The Nightmare Before Christmas, and details can be found here. Bands playing include Battles, Caribou and erm... Gary Numan! Best of all though, is that I get to stay in a chalet instead of a shitty tent.

The Pussy Cat Song
I like cats, me. I also like innuendo, but I've always found the phrase "pussy" to be a bit crass. That's why I tend to say "minge" instead. This song, however, is all about "pussy" and is genuinely very funny. It's called The Pussy Cat Song and was written by Bob and Tom. Although I have no idea who they are. I found it while I was googling for "minge". (Actually, this is a lie; I heard it being played at the cinema why I was waiting to see Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! by John Waters).

Movember 2011 – Last Few Days to Donate!

This year I decided to take part in Movember (as already documented here). This means I've had to grow a moustache in order to raise money and awareness for testicular and prostate cancer. As the month of November is almost over - there are only a few days left for those wishing to donate. Even giving a pound would help! My Movember page can be found here: I've managed to raise £30 so far (a tenner of which was from my mum). As there are 30 days in November, this breaks down to one quid a day (for looking like a knob-head). In fairness it doesn't take much effort to take part in Movember; it just requires that you don't shave your top lip and wait. Although Race for Life doesn't look particularly difficult either. Is that the one where loads of women walk through the streets of London at night, wearing pink bras? Some women do that for fun anyway.

10 Best Twitter Bots

It's coming up to a year since I made the Gary Glitter Twitter Bot - I still get abuse for it daily - but it's managed to attract 150 followers (which is a lot more than me). Some find Bots the bane of their Twitter lives, but I really like it when you get a surprise RT from a Bot. Here are some of my favourite Twitter Bots (all found innocently): Captain Blackadder - random Blackadder quotes in response to someone saying "I have a cunning plan". Robocop Bot - responds when people say "I'd buy that for a dollar". Quite an obscure reference - I love it. Beetle Juice Bot - responds "IT'S SHOWTIME!" after you say "Beetle Juice" 3 times. Clever one, this. Sodomy Bot - I love Sodomy! Monster Munch - I've always loved these crisps. You can probably guess what happens here.. Fart Robot - sends a RT of approval anytime some tweets about having just let one go. Yes, Childish I know - but I do like it. Burroughs Bot - I'm giving this one a mention because I like William Burroughs. Hail Bot 666 - Hail Satan! I know there's only 9 Bots in this list, but I couldn't think of another one - sorry!

Burning Bridges

I recently deleted my facebook account. I found that is was becoming a massive tyrant for wasting my time in the evenings. Even though people's comments generally irritated me - I still found myself nipping on there in the evenings to lurk and snoop. It did come in handy for wanking over people's holiday snaps though. Then I decided to delete my Twitter account as well. This was much harder for me to do because I really do enjoy using Twitter. I'd also accumulated a number of "celebrity" followers (far better than real people I find). These were celebrities who started following me - of their own accord - without me following them beforehand! Of course when I use the terms "celebrity" - I use it loosely. In fact, you probably wouldn't even consider these people famous at all; people like Neil Buchanan from Art Attack, Debbie Rochon from the Troma films, half the cast from Miami Ink and a couple of ex-Big Brother contestants. Oh and the producer of 70s funk outfit Le Chic. I shit ye not. Even so, of late I kept finding myself on there trolling, or ranting and swearing in the middle of the night. Not good at all. And so I decided to get rid of it. Although that's not exactly true: the account it still active, but I deleted everyone I was following and those following me, and made it private. I'm going to re-design and re-develop this site over Xmas, so I'll probably start using the account then. In the meantime I've set up a new Twitter account - mainly just to keep in touch with the people on there that I genuinely liked. I've set rules though, and I intend to stick to them. Basically, no tweeting late at night, no drunken tweeting, and keeping the rants to a minimum. I predict that it will be a very boring stream to follow! The account is called @MrFattyGoo and I'm on there under the pseudonym of Mr Tat Goofy. Both of these are anagrams of my name, Tom Fogarty. I got the idea from Jim Morrison (a big hero of mine), who came up with the alias "Mr Mojo Risin'"  as the code name he would use after his planned disappearance/return. This was just before he died in the bath and didn't come back. That was an anagram of his name too. You see, I put a lot of thought and effort into stuff that doesn't really matter and no one cares about. But not important things. Bugger that. Then on a whim last Sunday, I deleted all the contacts from my phone as well. I'm not really sure why I did this (I was pissed at the time), but I have no regrets (so far...). I think I wanted to find out who my real friends are; those who are important will contact me eventually. Or maybe not? So far I have regained 8 contacts. One of them is my mum and two of them are tattooists who want me to do their websites. Which just goes to show how messed up my life is at the moment. In other news, in 2 weeks time I'm going to ATP's Nightmare Before Xmas, and I can't wait! I'm going to start stockpiling drugs and booze this weekend. ATP Nightmare Before Xmas 2011

Stewart Lee
I went to see Stewart Lee doing stand up comedy at the Leicester Square Theatre tonight. I didn't have to pay for the tickets - they were donated to me by mate, Abbie - she was meant to be going with her husband, but couldn't make it in the end. I had no one to go with, but I can honestly say it was an hilarious night. My face is still aching from laughing (and that is very rare for me). Stewart Lee is an alternative left-wing comedian, who got famous in the early/mid-90s in the UK. He was originally part of a double-act with Richard Herring, and they put out the sketch shows Fist of Fun and Wake Up with Richard, Not Judy on BBC2. Now going solo, his stuff is intellectual,  political, satirical, anti-religious and irreverent. Very glib and very bitter. Luckily, my seat was right at the back. I say this because I went to a comedy show a couple of months ago - sat right at the front - and 2 of the comedians based at least 20 minutes of theirs acts on me being bald. Anyway, a massive thank you goes out to Abbie for giving me the ticket!

Penny Black Music

I'm pleased to announce that I now have my own page on Penny Black Music, where you can read all my articles and reviews. The direct link is: (Free press passes, tickets and albums always welcome) Thanks!

Reasons to be Cheerful

I was looking the files and photos on my laptop tonight and I found this photo that really cheered me up. It was sent to me ages ago, I saved it ... then promptly forgot about it. Then out of the blue you stumble across something by accident that makes you happy. It's funny how things like happen in life. So thanks to the person who sent it (they know who they are). It's a keyring of a Garbage Pail Kid, back from the late 80s. I used to be a massive fan of these stickers as a child. In fact, I still have the complete set released in the UK (all 6 series). I am an uber geek. This has actually given me an idea (more details to follow in a future blog post soon. Watch this space...). In other news, I have my first Movember donation over at - courtesy of Abbie Haslett. I know Abbie off Twitter and she's very funny and cool. She's also a web designer/developer (much better than me). I'm also going to see the standup comedian, Stewart Lee, on Saturday. And then in early December I'm going to the ATP Nightmare Before Xmas music festival with my mate Chris and some of the Primavera crew, where I am going to rave non-stop for 3 days and take enough drugs to kill a horse.

Arabrot Interview

I've been neglecting this blog a lot lately, and recently I even deleted my Facebook and Twitter accounts - and everyone knows how much I love to tweet. I've just felt that my heart's not really in it at the moment. Still, it's not all been doom and gloom - I've had some really fun nights out in the last couple of weeks. Two weeks ago on Halloween, I was sent to a gig at the Shacklewell Arms, in trendy Dalston. My mission was to interview Arabrot about their latest album, Solar Anus. They're from Norway and they play "Noise Rock". I shit ye not. I was slightly nervous beforehand, but being the cool young stud that I am, I handled it in my stride, and conducted the interview with style and professionalism (honest, I did...). The band were actually really nice and friendly - very down-to-earth - and they had lots of intelligent things to say. You wouldn't expect that from a band who just released an album called Solar Anus, now would you? They were decent enough to hang out with me before the gig, and introduced me to various people - their girlfriends, the support acts, some PR people and the editor from Mojo magazine, no less. The gig was brilliant, and I got very drunk, needless to say. The interview and gig review (as well as some other music reviews I've done recently) can be found on the Penny Black Music website here: Tom Fogarty - Penny Black Music They're mainly made up of clichés and Spinal Tap quotes...

Michael Jackson Zombie Tattoo

I've been itching to get a new tattoo since I got the last one, back in September at the London Tattoo Convention. Not really been able to afford it though. Then the other week I spotted that Melissa Szeto was offering a special offer - to do her Halloween flash tattoos for £50. Bargain! I didn't know whether to get Christopher Lee as Dracula or a Michael Jackson zombie. In the end I decided to go for the Wacko Jacko option. I got it on the back of my knee. Melissa is very charming and cool, and I would recommend anyone to go to her for tattoo work. I'm definitely going back to get some more stuff soon. Her website is The tattoo wasn't as painful as I'd expected, and I'm really pleased with the results. I can't believe how vivid the colours are. I reckon I'll probably get the Christopher Lee done next to it at some point in the future. By coincidence, I got it done on the same week that Michael Jackson's doctor was found guilty of manslaughter and got sent to prison. So it all ties together nicely. Bonus! Oddly enough, I'm not a particular Michael Jackson fan, although I do think the Thriller video is fantastic. Maybe I'll get a Gary Glitter tattoo one day... This isn't the best quality picture, but I'll post a better one once it's healed.

A Good Week

The highlight of my weekend has been cleaning the toilet. Only joking (they say it's good for morale). Had a good, busy week. Met the other writers at Penny Black for a wee dram, went to a noise rock/necromantic gig on Halloween and got to interview the band, Arabrot, and then last night went to see The Evil Dead trilogy at the Prince Charles Cinema. I'll post about all these things separately because I can't be arsed now. I was in such a good mood that I didn't even mind when I got home from work on Friday and found that all my book shelves had fallen down, scattering my books all over the place and pulling all the plaster out of the wall. To be honest, seeing as I put them up - it was bound to happen sooner or later. Luckily they didn't break the telly, DVD player or lava lamp directly below, so every cloud and all that? When I first walked in I thought the place had been ransacked by thieving gypsie bastards. I was half expecting to find a "little present" left on the mat. In other news, the moustache is coming along nicely although I still have no donations (tight-fisted bleeders):

Tom Fogarty Poem

I've had some dark days (and nights) recently, and I don't want this to turn in to some dreary emo/gothic blog. So with that in mind, I'm going to take a little break - until I have some funny stories to tell again.
I'll leave you with this - it's a little poem I wrote and it sums up my life rather well I think:
(back soon I hope)
GG Allin, Murder Junkies
I like midgets, also monkies
Bovva boots, skinhead
Withnail & I, Dawn of The Dead
I'm quite well endowed, but not one to boast
Jumping in puddles, eating toast
Compulsive blogger, I do music reviews
My name is Tom and I have tattoos
A bit of a cynic, I like a good moan
I go to the pub, I drink alone
Not much of a looker but alright at a glance
I go to shady venues, I love to dance
I can be clever, but never a snob
Usually crass, a borderline yob
A web designer but a right mess I make
Hulk Hogan, Jake The Snake
Happy when drunk, you'll find me joking
If not I'll be outside, in a corner smoking
PHP coding, I create lots of bugs
Staying up late, taking drugs
Video nasties, zombie flicks
Quite the loner, I never meet chicks
Baldie head, could pass as a monk
I listen to heavy metal, ska and punk
Don't read my mind - my thoughts are obscene
I wear specs but my eyes are green
I dwell in Camberwell in a tiny flat
I live on my own but I'd quite like a cat
Don't raid my place, you might find a stash
Too lazy to shave, often with 'tache
I like The Ramones, The Pogues and The Doors
Usually single... but I could be yours

I Love Prison

This tattoo isn't new - I did it last year - but realised I hadn't posted about it directly before. I did it myself using a needle and thread and it took about 3 hours of patience to poke it in dot by dot. I was inspired by my 2 bibles: Home Made Tattoos Rule and the Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopaedia. I was originally going to pay tribute to the book by etching in "Home Made Tattoos Rule", then "Prison Tattoos Rule", before finally deciding on "I went to prison and all I got was this lousy tattoo". This entire thought process took me about 5 minutes. Half way through the first letter, I realised this would take forever to finish, so opted for "I <3 PRISON" instead. Here's a couple of pictures (probably not for the squeamish). I've been thinking recently that I think I'd quite like it in Prison; all the tattoos, and I hear you can get drugs easily in there. Then there's the free pool table. I could even brew some gut-rot moonshine under my bunk. I think I'd enjoy all the male banter and I get on well with most people so I don't think I'd get my head kicked in too often. I wouldn't get to have sex with any girls, but then again I don't get the chance in real life either. My mum reckons as I'm a pretty boy I'd probably get raped fairly regularly (these are the kind of conversations I have with my mum) - but I've seen Scum loads of times - and all you need to do is carry around a sock filled with billiard balls. If I was really lucky I'd get to share a cell with Gary Glitter.

Big Trouble in Little China

Went to see my all-time favourite film at the cinema last night, Big Trouble in Little China. It's a film that never fails to cheer me up and offers 90 minutes of pure escapism and fun. I saw it at The Prince Charles Cinema (just off Leicester Square), which isn't as regal as it sounds, but it is the best cinema in London in my opinion. I'm actually a lifetime member there. I was pretty excited about seeing it on the big screen and I loved every minute of it - but the only drawback to being a massive geek like me, is the people you have to sit next to at these events. I've sat next to more than my fair share of overweight, beardy, ponytailed types in my time. As long as they don't smell and they don't try to talk to me, I don't mind too much. That would be a step too far. I've seen many of my favourite films at the cinema now, including: Withnail & I, An American Werewolf in London, Blue Velvet, Jaws, Lost Highway, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Evil Dead, Clockwork Orange, Robocop, Night of The Living Dead, Halloween, 2001: Space Odyssey, The Shining, Terminator, Dressed to Kill, Erasorhead, Monty Python & The Holy Grail, Tron... I could go on but that's a long enough list for one day. I've never seen Crocodile Dundee though.