Animal House

One of my favourite films of all time, that.

Anyway, I’d really like to get a pet. Been thinking about it for ages – I know I really shouldn’t; I can’t afford it and I’m out of the flat far too much – but even so, I want to.

This is the first time I’ve lived without an animal companion. Even at university I had my cat, Rosie. Before that I had other cats, rats, tropical fish, a terrapin and a rabbit (that got eaten by foxes!), and my monkey sidekick, Pedro. I made the last one up.

Where I live now, quite a lot of my neighbours have cats; it’s completely safe for them because there’s a communal garden/courtyard-type thing – totally enclosed – so that can’t get runover etcetera.

As I type this, there’s a cat called Tigger running round and round in the garden now. He’s making all the bushes rustle in the dark and I can hear his bell continuously jingling. His owner keeps calling him but he refuses to go in. Little bastard.

If I leave my frontdoor open for too long while I’m carrying shopping in or something, a cat will usually wander in and stand there staring at me. A certain cat does that regulary, and when he turns round disdainfully to leave, I catch a glimpse of his massive hairy balls.

If I had a cat I think I’d have him “done” though; it stops them messing around all the time by making them less sexually frustrated, and generally makes them more manageable around the house (and happier beings). Sometimes I think I should be “done” for exactly the same reasons.

I wouldn’t be able to have a catflap where I live, so I’d have to lock the cat either inside or outside all day, and I don’t think that’s very fair. I could leave my window open (I trust my neighbours), but then I’d find all the cats inside my flat when I got home. Probably watching telly and drinking my Scotch.

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This is a personal website and the views expressed here are my own (or stolen from other people down the pub). Facts may not be accurate, or could be poorly paraphrased gags borrowed from proper writers - or simply, outright lies.
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