Tom’s Alternative New Year’s Resolutions 2019

A couple of weeks back in early January, I laid down my plans for some new year's resolutions I intend to follow throughout 2019 (and maybe beyond, depending on whether I live to see 39). On reflection, I have realised that although perfectly doable for a bloke such as myself - these simple rules to live by might be a bit of a challenge for everybody else out there. But fear not! For I have now devised an alternative list that should be within the grasp of you lot. Stand in stupid places Whilst out and about in the community - especially when using public transport - take the opportunity to block the paths of others by standing in the most bothersome spot you can find, carefully selected to cause maximum havoc and disruption to those around you. For example, try standing in the middle of the step on escalators so no one can pass, or perhaps in front of the doors on buses and trains, encumbering the entrance/exit of fellow commuters. Wear a large rucksack for extra effect, and don't forget to wear earphones so that you can't hear anyone say "Excuse me please" behind you. Avoid giving money to the tramps It's a well-known fact that beggars are lazy; too apathetic to find employment and pay their bills, even too idle to mug people or steal from shops in order to provide for themselves. So the next time you see them dossing about in the street, make sure you step over them and ignore them. Better yet, spit on them. Rely on using your phone for everything Why simply rely on your phone for it's primary use which is to make and receive vocal communications with people who are not in your immediate vicinity - when you can rely on it for practically every facet of your day-to-day existence? Use it as an oyster card and to pay for goods and services in shops. Use it to binge-watch TV programmes, pump music into your ears at all times, text people who are in the same room as you and generally distract you from your daily existence. Don't worry that these devices have a built in obsolescence and will inevitably stop working within the year, or that you might lose it, break it or have it stolen - rely on it for everything. Wear your pyjamas to the supermarket I'm not sure whether this exhibits a certain joie de vivre, or is merely a habit of those who have given up hope and can't be bothered to get dressed before they venture outside. Either way, young people do it so it must be cool. Bastardised the English language and rely on emojis instead Why utilise the English language to express yourself, which is rich and varied and has been accumulated and finessed over the course of more than 1,400 years, when two or three emojis or better still, a meme will do? LOL Use social media more Share absolutely everything you do on as many social media platforms as you possibly can throughout the day. When not posting stuff, remain glued to what everyone else is simultaneously sharing. Wear trousers around your arse Everything you need to know can be found here: Complete any last-minute beautification tasks on the way to work Girls have long adopted the annoying trait of applying their makeup during their daily commute in complete disregard to those around them, so if you're a man, do your bit for equality and join in too by having a shave on the train. Sign off work emails with a single initial When sending an important work email to colleagues, be sure to sure to use the first initial of your christian name when closing. This will give the impression to your colleagues that you are hip and trendy, but also far too busy to type the rest of the letters of your name. Think how much time I could save if I only typed "T" and omitted the "om". This notion will also bolster your self-belief that you are important enough to be recognised by a single letter. Like Zorro. T

New Year’s Resolutions 2019

I didn't bother setting myself any new year's resolutions last year, mainly because I thought I'd achieved enough and could do with a rest. How can you improve on perfection? I spent most of 2018, therefore, sitting back and watching the rest of the world struggle and generally fuck it up - so I've decided to stop resting on my laurels and show everybody how to do things properly again. Don't be disheartened if you don't achieve as much success as me - how could you possibly? I'm clearly a fine specimen of manliness and effortless masculinity, so don't compare yourself too much with my many victories or you will be setting yourself up to fail. Just try your best and try to smile (even though you'll certainly feel like crying inside). Here are my humble goals for 2019 to inspire you. A little bit of light exercise, regularly The snake hips of my youth are beginning to resemble the beer belly of a professional darts player, so I should probably have a word with myself about that before I become a proper porker. I've realised that I'll never be a gym-monkey, but some moderate physical activity (besides wanking) wouldn't go amiss. Re-do my website This blog could probably do with a spruce up, so I intend to tackle the task this year. What is the point of making websites for a living if I can't spare the time to add some dancing bananas to my online home from time to time? Continue getting my leg tattooed If I pull my finger out, I can get this finished in the next 12-months, and my ambition to become the most heavily tattooed bloke in Camberwell will nearly be complete. Unless some other sod gets his todger tattooed in the meantime. Read the bible Not because I want to go knocking on doors and handing out leaflets in the street, more out of interest to see what happens in it and what it's all about. I like a good murder mystery. Be more sociable I'm notoriously bad at keeping in regular contact with my friends, probably due to the fact that I don't like any of them. Bastards. But I am going to make more of an effort in the coming year. No man is an island after all, and I've somehow managed to get to the age of 38 without obtaining a driving licence. It's important to remember that good friends are hard to find (and can sometimes drive you to the airport and things.) Hobbies In the last couple of years I have revisited the snooker hall that I loved as a teenager, and did an indoor climbing induction course. I also tried taxidermy. All of these things I enjoyed immensely, but for some bizarre reason, didn't pursue any further. I want to do more of them in 2019. Less social media I'm not going to do away with my Instagram and Twitter accounts altogether, but I'd like to use them in a more meaningful way. Probably as a wanking aid. Stop using emojis and smileys I've tried my best, but I just can't get on with these bloody things. Proper grammar is the way forward me thinks.