This won’t be a particularly funny post (if at all), mainly because 2018 has been quite a good year for me. Comedy is just bad stuff that happens to other people after all, so if you’ve come here hoping to have a chuckle at my shit year, you might as well fuck off now. Also while we’re it at, if you don’t like reading pedantic lists you should probably save yourself some time and piss off too.
As you can probably guess from the photo at the top of this page, I had my hands tattooed in 2018. My thought process in this decision was thus: if I’m going to get my hands indelibly marked with ink for the rest of my life, I might as well go for some bold and brutal imagery. My thought process probably didn’t include the phrase “indelibly marked with ink” but I wasn’t writing an essay at the time. That was the general gist anyway. This photo originally gained 5000+ likes on Instagram (not that I was counting), before being removed after a few complaints. My favourite comment was this:
“Job-stopper right there. Show your boss you’re an alcoholic Nazi”
Technically, neither of these assumptions would necessarily make me a bad web developer if true, but that is beside the point; I also have a tattoo of Medusa’s head because I like dark and striking pictures. That does not mean that I commandeered a small fleet in ancient Greece and sailed to an island named Sarpedon, wrapped in a golden fleece, in order to sever the head of a mythic snake-headed monster known as the gorgon, before taking it home to the goddess Athena to place on her shield. In short, a tattoo of people drinking doesn’t make me an alcoholic. Nor does a tattoo of a WWII execution make me a Nazi – any more than a tattoo of a flasher means I indecently expose myself in public. The tattoos did successfully annoy people though, so I consider them a job well done. I also do have a tattoo of a flasher and I have been known to indecently expose myself to girls in public, but that’s just a coincidence.
Following on from this, I started a new job last January, which I have amazingly managed not to get sacked from – despite my dependency on alcoholic beverages and propensity for fanatical right-wing politics being etched upon my hands. I have enjoyed it immensely and learnt a lot this year, and even managed to attend the work Xmas party in good cheer; an event which I would normally place on the severity scale of unpleasant social occasions slightly higher than receiving a buggering off Freddie Starr but somewhat lower than watching X Factor.
In addition to this, I have been to Transylvania in Romania, Krakov in Poland and Lake Como, Turin and Milan in Italy. I also went as far as Bow on the London underground.
I’ll end this blog post now with a list of the books, gigs and cinema outings I consumed within the last 12 months, because making lists keeps me sane. Be grateful I didn’t mention Brexit.
Watchmen – Alan Moore
Classic comic-book tale about nuclear war.
Dandy in The Underworld – Sebastian Horsley
The autobiography of my hero. Very funny.
The Secret Life of A Satanist – Blanche Barton
The biography of Anton Szandor LaVey, founder of the Church of Satan
The Bangkok Asset – John Burdett
Silly crime novel set in Bangkok, featuring robots.
Bigger Than Hitler, Better Than Christ – Rik Mayall
The autobiography of another hero. RIP Rik.
The Blade Artist – Irvine Welsh
Latest novel from the bloke that wrote Trainspotting. Far-fetched nonsense, but I read it anyway.
Essays in Existentialism – Jean-Paul Sartre
Philosophical art-wank ramblings by a Frenchie.
The Clearing – Tim Gautreax
A story about the mafia interfering with a logging community in 1700s deep south America.
Mein Kampf – Adolf Hitler
Big in Germany in the 30s/40s apparently. I read this before going to visit Auschwitz in order to prepare myself for the horrors that lay in wait there. It didn’t help.
Beggar’s Banquet – Ian Rankin
Selection of of short crime stories, many of which feature Inspector Rebus from off the telly.
Pigs Might Fly – Neil Hanson
An account of running a pub up a big hill (the highest situated pub in Britain no less).
Beyond Good and Evil – Nietzsche
A madman who inspired Hitler by accident and had a better moustache.
The Granta Book of The American Short Story – edited by Richard Ford
A whopper of a tome, more than 1000 pages long. Includes some gems, such as the story of a confidence trickster who steals a girl’s wooden leg and leaves her stranded in the woods.
Introducing Marxism: A Graphic Guide – Rupert Woodfin & Oscar Zarate
Everyone knows that Marxism is the philosophy of losers, but I still I read this to pass the time (mainly because it had pictures).
Junky – William Burroughs
Classic book about heroin addiction. Also buggery!
The Outsider – Camus
Classic story about alienation and the perpetual malady of life.
Content Provider – Stewart Lee
Collection of the comedian’s essays, originally penned for various broadsheet newspapers. Very funny!
On Anarchism – Noam Chomsky
I’m not a fan of Chomsky’s school of thought, but I gave this a go. It was shit.
The Boys from Brazil – Ira Levin
A fictional classic about Mengele after his escape to Brazil after WWII.
The Hidden Life of Trees – Peter Wohlleben
Yes, I read a book about trees. And enjoyed it.
Thinking About It Only Makes It Worse – David Mitchell
Similar to Stewart Lee’s book, albeit written by one half of Peep Show instead of one half of Richard Not Judy.
My favourite British punk band.
Heavy show, solid.
Cock Sparrer, Cockney Rejects, The Last Resort
All at the same show. Good fun!
Formerly of Supergrass. Always reliable.
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Patti Smith, Courtney Barnett, St Vincent, Bo Ningen
All at the same event in Victoria Park. Bloody brilliant.
Bands I didn’t see (but really wanted to):
Billy Idol, The The (not a typo), Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Sextos Rodriguez, Beck, Baxter Dury (twice), Saxon, Batushka, Wu Tang Clan.
The Others 2
Silly horror sequel.
A Quiet Place
Interesting idea, but ultimately boring horror film about a world where everyone has to be quiet or be eaten my monsters.
Ridiculous and disappointing shark film starring Jason Statham.
Great horror sequel!
Decent biopic about Freddie Mercury of Queen.
Long-winded (and unnecessary) remake of a 70s horror classic by Dario Argento.
See you next year, thanks for reading!