I normally do a bit of a roundup at the end of each year – bringing attention to the highs (if any), and the numerous lows I’ve undoubtedly encountered over the previous 12 months. This year, I’m feeling too lazy for that (actively remembering stuff becomes such hard work once you turn 34) – so instead, I’m just going to refer back to my new years resolutions for 2014 and state whether I actually achieved them or not. Much easier!
1. Sleep with a girl
Did I achieve this? Did I, bollocks! Despite having a good go on OkCupid, and exhausting the avenues of Tinder and even 3nder, I’m honestly beginning to think that I’ll never get to do “it” again. I thought I was going to sort out a proper date just before Xmas, but buggered it up good and proper at the last minute – as only I can.
2. Go on holiday
Yes I did (and did it in style). I went back to Thailand and Cambodia with the same 2 reprobates I went away with last year. Met some lovely people, saw a lot of sights and did a lot of drinking. Also, nearly got arrested and lost my phone for bonus points.
3. Get my leg tattoo finished
Yes, did this one too. My left leg is now filled in from ankle to arse cheek, tattooed by the amazing Calypso Saga. More on the way soon!
4. Go swimming
Nope, afraid not. I didn’t even do any swimming on holiday; I just floated around on my back, lazily – like a man made of plastic, hollow inside and who has no soul (which is sort of what I am).
5. Learn to drum
Not properly, but I did make a start by learning to paradiddle with my hands, if that counts?
6. Stay out of the pub
No, not really. I have pretty much stopped going to my local pub in Camberwell, but I’ve also found a new pub in Hackney Road with new barmaids to fall in love with.
7. Do the lottery
Sort of. I did buy five pounds worth of scratch cards for a girl a work whose name I’d drawn for Secret Santa. She actually won some money too, but she didn’t share it with me due to it being a secret gift-giving exercise (otherwise I’d have demanded to squeeze her tits too).
8. Heal the world
Couldn’t be bothered, maybe next year.
As a final note – if you’d like to read a blog post about 2014 that is actually funny – I’d recommend this from Tommy 2.0 (which also features a video of me dancing).