Slightly over 10 years ago I bought a small studio flat in Camberwell, South London, and started pretending to be a proper grownup. I’d already gone bald so I felt it was the right time. One of the main benefits of this – in addition to the satisfaction gained from being truly independent and surviving self-sufficiently in an expensive city – is complete control of the telly, the freedom to wank at any time of day in any room I choose, with complete impunity, and the authority to decide what time to go to bed.
3650 days later, and I have still managed to make all my mortgage repayments each month, hold down a steady job, pay my bills, feed my self and not die.
After 5 years of doing this, with my first block of fixed-rate repayments complete, I had intended on writing a blog post to mark the occasion called “5 Years“, summarising my experiences during that time of being a sensible adult; the hardships, glories, adventures (and the wanking). The theme of the blog post was going to be loosely based on the David Bowie song of the same name, in which the citizens of the earth are informed that they have only 5 years left until they face utter decimation. The song poses the question: how would you spend your final 5 years on earth?
This might have been quite novel, albeit that as well as being an excessive masturbator, I am also a chronic procrastinator too, and I missed the deadline by an additional 5+ years. Therefore I’m now writing this blog post called “10 Years” instead, and will also attempt to sum up the 2010s in general (as well as my shit life). David Bowie was so annoyed at missing out on a Tom Fog blog reference all those years ago, that he decided to die in 2016.
My earlier mention of life on earth expiring is now actually highly prescient and relevant – despite all the recycling I’ve done over the last 10 years – as climate change has now placed us at the very brink of extinction. According to Greta Thunberg.
Now as much as I empathise with grumpy-faced Greta, and share her concerns about the environment and the ongoing survival of the human race (and indeed the planet as a whole), I can’t help feeling that she’d chill out a bit if she got laid. And I’m not one of those chauvinistic blokes who the thinks the solutions to an angsty teenage girl’s problems can be solved easily by getting a bit of cock. Maybe she’s a rug-muncher.
And judging by her demeanour this is probably the case (which paradoxically means she’d probably be ok in a post-apocalypse Mad Max sort of situation).
But as much as I agree that the world is in a sorry state, and I fear for the plight of the ecosystem, I don’t like being lectured to by a condescending teenager who doesn’t even go to school and who hasn’t started paying any tax yet. Indeed, children are treated as little emperors these days; they are allowed to say and do as they please, with no respect shown and no consequence for their actions. Gary Glitter would get my vote in the next election, but we’ll get on to the subject of politics later. At least he’d have the best campaign music.
Maybe apocalypse is inevitable and what we deserve. Nature is brutal and seldom fair. We have devised a system to live in where everyone feels entitled, but why are we? The best song Paul McCartney ever wrote was Live and Let Die. And he once married a woman who only had one leg so he’s definitely not a cunt. Although he is probably a pervert.
Personally, I welcome total armageddon and complete and utter chaos that results in our extinction. As long as I get to watch a bit of it happening on the telly first.
But some people just want to watch the world burn…
With the UK now finally Brexit-bound, Russia becoming seemingly more duplicitous by the day, and the planet possibly on the verge of World War III due to the recent bout of fisticuffs and posturing between USA and Iran, maybe a Mad Max-style holocaust in which each and every one of us has to fight to the death and scramble to survive, would actually do us some good. A bit like getting on the northern line at rush hour in the morning – only less violent. See you at Fury Road!
Luckily, if this were to happen, I’ve always been dead hard and really brave and tough, so I’m sure I’d be ok if push came to shove. Also, I’m a huge fan of Dawn of The Dead, so my survival tactics would be to barricade myself in my local branch of Lidl until it all blows over outside.
Returning to the topic of Brexit for a moment, this was the monumental event in which the UK democratically decided to bid farewell to the European Union – and it only took us 4 years afterwards to stop arguing between ourselves and put it in to motion. It proved to me that whichever side of the debate you sit on, whether you lean politically to the left or the right – each and every one of us is actually the same. All cunts.
It wasn’t all good news though. The last decade has seen the deaths of a staggering wealth of celebrated and talented stars; Lemmy, Keith Flint, Chas from Chas & Dave, Barry Chuckle, Freddie Starr, wrestler-turned-pornstar, Chyna and Ronnie Corbett are all gone. Sadly, Ant and Dec are still alive, however.
Time to get to the real crux of this blog post now; the thing that is most important of all. Me.
What have I actually done with my last decade?
When not tugging my dinkle, I’ve been quite busy on the whole. Though I’ve yet to win the Word Snooker Championship, I had 3 jobs during this period without getting sacked – and no blowjobs had to be given in order to obtain these jobs. I’ve also given up smoking.
In my spare time I’ve been to a lot of gigs and music festivals (most of which are already blogged about on this very site). I also went to watch boxing at the Olympics when it was hosted in London a few years ago.
I’ve had a lot of my body tattooed, which is always a sensible way to spend your time and money, and I’ve visited several countries: Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, Italy, Germany, Romania, Poland, Sweden, Netherlands and Spain. All without getting arrested (although it was a close call in Thailand and Germany).
According to Spotify, I’ve been “genre-fluid” over the last 10 years (see banner at top of the page) – but that’s enough about my fluids for one blog post.
Here’s to the next decade!
Categories:Funny, London Life, News
This is a personal website and the views expressed here are my own (or stolen from other people down the pub). Facts may not be accurate, or could be poorly paraphrased gags borrowed from proper writers - or simply, outright lies.