Tom’s Guide to SEO

SEO stands for Search Engine Optimisation and is a way of fine-tuning your website’s content so that it appears higher in the search engine results when people browse for information online. One of the ways to do this is to carefully craft your content and tailor it for what your intended users/clients are looking for.

Basically, if you make your website content as relevant and focussed on a key topic as possible – there is a higher likelihood that it will be found. For example, if you were searching for a plumber in Gateshead you would not expect to be served up results for a fish & chip shop in Slough instead.

I know this because I work as a web developer, but don’t worry – that introduction is a technical as this blog post will get! Luckily, Google have provided some helpful tools that are easy to use (and free!), that allow you to see the Google search terms that people have used to find your site. I used this recently to get some insight into how people are being directed here, so I thought I’d share this information with you.

As this is a personal website about me – Tom Fogarty – it was no surprise that my name is the leading phase that brings visitors to my site. It was very light on web development or music review phrases sadly though, and some of the other phrases were more unexpected…

The person who arrived after searching for “name?” must have been somewhat baffled when I made an appearance, as would the person who simply searched for “Russian“. I expect whoever searched for “bakake” would have been highly disappointed when my face popped up in their results. Hopefully I didn’t put them off their stroke. I also hope anyone who ended up at this blog by looking for “how to wax your balls at home“, found me beneficial in the their quest for silky smooth ballbags.

Some of the results are cryptic, others downright confusing. Examples:

the power of christ compels you dog

dulcet relapse lyrics

cat pornstar

Darts players such as Brian “Pecker” Woods, Mervyn “The King” King and “The Count” Ted Hankey seems to feature frequently, as does wrestler Hulk Hogan. Alarmingly, so do rock ‘n’ roll heavyweights, Gary Glitter and Rolf Harris. GG Allin, Sebastian Horsley, Creedence Clearwater Revival and Lemmy from Motorhead are all heroes of mine, so I can’t begrudge them featuring. The “goldfinger midget“, however, is less well regarded in my house.

Many of the search terms are obscene. Should I be offended that Google think people searching for “cunt tattoo” or “tattooed twats” are looking for me – or grateful that they are sending traffic my way? As a fan of tattoos and a frequent moustache-grower, it is to be expected that phrases relating to these terms feature regularly – but directing “paedo moustache” explorers to my site is a bit harsh.

Other pleasant phrases include “Count Macula” and “mongoloid urban dictionary“.

I’ve included the full list below – you should read these before continuing with this post as it will be relevant later). The list will open in a new tab as there are too many to mention here, but I’d recommend you read them all as there are some real gems to be found in there – especially near the bottom…

Click here for FULL LIST OF SEARCH TERMS.

Maybe at best then, my website stands as a sterling example of how not to efficiently optimise your content for effective SEO, but in the spirit of of the old saying -if you can’t beat them, join them – here’s a make believe story (somewhat stream of consciousness), garbled together using the random search phrases people have used to unwittingly discover this blog. This will further bolster the traffic, but also reinforce the strength of these keywords, therefore increasing the probability that my organic visitors will be mongoloids, sex-pests or other assorted members of the criminally insane, looking for tattooed twats.

Story:

Darts legends Ted Hankey and Brian Woods were practicing, ahead of a big charity match against a couple of midgets to raise money to keep paedofiles off the telly during Christmas repeats of Top of The Pops from the 70s. Originally they were supposed to be playing the midget from Goldmember and that little bloke off Fantasy Island, but those little people from America couldn’t get visas in time, so they’d ended up having to play against some generic UK-based dwarves instead (a couple of the cast of Time Bandits who were looking for work).

The sponsors had initially made an even bigger fuckup for the event by selecting a medley of Gary Glitter hits to play between match rounds to get the crowd going, until their mistake had been pointed out by a good-intentioned Russian criminal who happened to be passing by.

Ironically, Ted had once had a Rolfaroo tattoo in honour of Rolf Harris, which he later had covered up with a portrait of himself when it was discovered that the Australian entertainer had been a little bit too busy with his artistic hands, so that’s alright then. Sadly, Ted had intended to have his darts nickname “The Count” etched on as part his self-portrait, but not being a person what spells too good he left out the U, leaving him with a tattoo that simply said “The Cunt” instead.

In a likewise fashion, Brian Woods also sported a tattoo dedicated to his darting nickname, which amazingly he had managed to get spelled correctly: Pecker. He gained this epithet from his surname and was certainly in no way an indication that he had a tiny willy (unlike GG Allin, who had a microscopic member, much like a pornstar cat – plus an assortment of crudely done homemade tattoos, who done using Indian ink in prison).

At this point you’re probably thinking “These cats aren’t as cool as Lemmy, Sebastian Horsley or Tom Fogerty from Creedence Clearwater Revival. The power of christ compels you dog, what a right pair of tattooed twats!” – but this would be very unfair assumption to make.

At least they’ve never been adorned with a paedo-style handlebar moustache, tattooed themselves with a biro or had a horrible experience trying to wax their balls at home. Only a true mongoloid from Camberwell would do that.

The end.

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