Tom Fog’s Xmas Wish List 2017

World peace. Not because I especially want to make the world a better and more harmonious place; I just want a bit of peace and quiet, without idiots getting on my tits.

A blowjob.

To break into the music industry. Or become an acclaimed writer. Maybe a standup comedian. Possibly even a wrestler… But not a decent web developer. Fuck that shit.

To stroke all the cats (and piss on all the naysayers).

I’d like to be a tree….

I’d like to be able to explain the plot of Twin Peaks from start to finish.

To have a pot of tea with the Queen.

To see all those people who are glued to their phones when walking down the street, or who stand in stupid places and block the paths of others because they’re mesmerised gormlessly by snapchat or Peaky Blinders – to go over the edge of a cliff in a long row like the old Lemmings game.

Did I mention blowjob? Can’t remember…

To make a bit of dosh.

To swim faster than a shark. Or even to overcome my neagtive buoyancy, and manage to swim without it looking a bit like I’m drowning.

To sleep for 100 years.

To tame a goat.

To shoot an AK-47 again. Ideally at a person. Or many people.

To be in charge of London for a week.

To understand why Anchorman is funny. Or League of Gentlemen.

To see a ghost. And bum it.

To eat an oyster.

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