Tom Fogarty's Wad

Tax That!

In these times of political change, it is uncertain what the future has in store for Britain financially and politically. Will Brexit lead to a stronger economic stability down the line and a new age of prosperity, or will the opposite be true? Will we strike a deal to remain in the single market, or will we explore other avenues of trading? And what will become of our public sector services in the course of time as these changes come into effect?

Some believe in privatisation, while others advocate the raising of taxes to cover the deficits in our budget – but is this really considering the full picture? What if, rather than raise existing taxes, or selling off publicly owned offices and utilities to private mega conglomerates – we introduced new taxes; a fairer system that only applied to those who actually deserved to pay them?

Whilst at primary school I remember a brief fad in the playground where kids would shout “Tax that!“, or simply “TAXXXXX” if they saw something they liked. According to the rules of the game, the person who shouted this first would become the rightful owner of the desired item. Whether it be a flashy sports car that drove past, a pair of brand new Reebok Pumps or a girl with a pair or enormously oversized breasts – declaring the tax law before anyone else made you the owner until the end of playtime (in name only, obviously).

With this in mind, here’s my list contenders that deserve to be heavily taxed in order to boost Britain’s finances (basically just a long list of things that annoy me). Put simply, if you do any of following things, you should have to pay for the privilege. Heavily.

Swearing Tax
I love swearing, it’s one of my favourite things. But it’s important to use curse words in a seemly manner and at the correct opportunity; in times of excruciating pain, complete and utter frustration, or to pad out a sentence when you can’t think of a better adjective are all acceptible. Deliberately inserting the word “fuck” into some statement during a meeting at work is not; you are not being edgy, daring, creative or cool. You are being a cock-womble. And you should have to pay,

Rucksacks on Trains Tax
Shooting would probably be more appropriate for this crime, but I’m quite a tolerant man so a heavy fine will suffice. People who do not take off their rucksacks on the train – usually at busy times of the day – thereby forcing other commuters to squeeze past them. Typically they will be stood near the doorway, rooted to the spot to exponentially inconvenience everyone else, probably glued to their phone like a zombie with earphones in so that they cannot hear you say “Excuse me please“.

Pretending Not To be Bald Tax
In this day and age there is no need to live in denial if you are folically challenged. Just keep it short and get on with it. You should not adopt an odd “haircut” in order to hide your baldy bonce, or have Turkish arse hair grafted into your skull as a replacement. You are allowed to wear a hat, but only if you are outdoors – this must be removed when at the pub or work. Remember – it is only appropriate to wear a hat to work if you are a policeman or a stripper. See the rule below for more hirsuited tax reforms.

Man-bun Tax
You’ll go to hell for this one. If you are fortunate enough to be a male with a full head of hair – do not abuse this priveldge by having a ridculous haircut. Other offenders include mullets, basin cuts, centre partings/curtains, ponytails etcetera.

Sartorial Slogan Tax
Applicable to anyone who wears clothing that has writing on it. Especially if it’s vertical or in gold font.

Smug Tax
This is a generic blanket tax that can be applied to a list of perpetrators: anyone under the age of 35, people who earn more than £40k a year, BMW drivers, those that finish work at 5pm every day, folk who have sex on a regular basis…

Abbreviated Spelling Tax
I propose a levy on anyone who puts “UR” in a text message, or who regularly misuses “they’re“, “there” and “their“. Also people who write “to” instead of “too“, or anyone who posts online what doesn’t use proper grammar. Also anyone who signs off an email with a single initial; you are not too busy or important to write your full name you twat.

Bogus Postcode Tax
People who live in Camberwell or Nunhead but who claim to live in Peckham should be fined. In a similar vein, people who claim to be cockney simply because they live in London (even though they were not born within the sound of Bow Bells).

Pyjamas in Public Tax
If you go to the local super market wearing your bedtime attire you are a cunt. And you deserve to pay for your cuntishness.