Tom Fog’s New Year’s Resolutions 2020

January is upon us again, the excesses of Xmas and New Year consigned to the recycle bin of the recent past—and it’s the dawn of a new decade as well—so here are my new year’s resolutions for 2020 and beyond.

1. Lose the beer belly
It has become apparent since turning 39 recently, the passage of time has started to bestow upon me a body that the average BDO darts player would be proud of. Though to blame this solely on beer is slightly unfair. I’m also a big fan of wine, gin, whisky, and the occasional Negroni cocktail too.

But it’s not as if I haven’t had a steady and consistent exercise regime through the years, mind you (I sat around the house, wanking). Still, in order to prevent my torso from further resembling a capital “D” when viewed in profile, I will have to cut out the calories and work my body slightly harder in 2020. Sensible exercise suggestions would be greatly received!

2. Dig for Britain
It is a well-known fact that due to the recent election of Boris Johnson and the national decision to forge ahead with Brexit, we have just had our last Christmas in the UK with food.

With this in mind, I would like to try my hand at growing stuff. Cress and mushrooms are likely candidates due to lack of space. It’s also true that surrounding yourself with living things is good for you (hence my fondness for growing cacti indoors), so I will be attempting to yield a crop of deadly mandrake.

3. Taxidermy
It may seem like a contradiction—after just stating that surrounding yourself with living things is good for you—to subsequently advocate stuffing dead animals for aesthetic, decorative purposes, but this is my list, so bollocks to you.

I tried taxidermy once a few years ago, and was lucky enough to receive a taxidermy kit for a present this Crimbo (dead mice sold separately!), so I can’t wait to give this pastime a try again. Read about my previous taxidermy exploits here.

4. Use time more wisely
Everyone knows there are only two sensible ways to use your spare time; the first is to sit around doing fuck all, and the second is to be creative.

I’ve already proven myself highly proficient in the former, so this year I aim to focus more on the latter: more writing, drawing, painting, and knitting. That sort of thing. I’d also like to make a voodoo box.

5. Wear more hats
I’ve been bald for at least 10 years now, which has not held me back in any way—allowing me to amass a huge repertoire of “bald bloke jokes”. However, I have recently noticed that I’m getting a freckled bonce (due to being an old bastard and not having any hair on my fucking head). It has, therefore, become essential that I build up a selection of dapper and durable headwear immediately to help remedy this.

I can then post selfies of me wearing them on Instagram, accompanied with the hashtag #haturday. Hilarious.

6. Finish my tattoo collection
Will this quest ever end? Well, yes, soon hopefully. The only key areas remaining are my feet and hands. Then maybe I can start to actually save some money each month for a change—and pay for that hair transplant.

Happy New Year!

New Year’s Resolutions 2019

I didn’t bother setting myself any new year’s resolutions last year, mainly because I thought I’d achieved enough and could do with a rest. How can you improve on perfection? I spent most of 2018, therefore, sitting back and watching the rest of the world struggle and generally fuck it up, so I’ve decided to stop resting on my laurels and show everybody how to do things properly again.

Don’t be disheartened if you don’t achieve as much success as me—how could you possibly? I’m clearly a fine specimen of manliness and effortless masculinity, so don’t compare yourself too much with my many victories, or you will be setting yourself up to fail. Just try your best and try to smile (even though you’ll certainly feel like crying inside). Here are my humble goals for 2019 to inspire you.

1. A little bit of light exercise, regularly
The snake hips of my youth are beginning to resemble the beer belly of a professional darts player, so I should probably have a word with myself about that before I become a proper porker. I’ve realised that I’ll never be a gym-monkey, but some moderate physical activity (besides wanking) wouldn’t go amiss.

2. Re-do my website
This blog could probably do with a spruce up, so I intend to tackle the task this year. What is the point of making websites for a living if I can’t spare the time to add some dancing bananas to my online home from time to time?

3. Continue getting my leg tattooed
If I pull my finger out, I can get this finished in the next 12-months, and my ambition to become the most heavily tattooed bloke in Camberwell will nearly be complete. Unless some other sod gets his todger tattooed in the meantime.

4. Read the Bible
Not because I want to go knocking on doors and handing out leaflets in the street, but more out of interest to see what happens in it and what it’s all about. I like a good murder mystery.

5. Be more sociable
I’m notoriously bad at keeping in regular contact with my friends, probably due to the fact that I don’t like any of them. Bastards. But I am going to make more of an effort in the coming year. No man is an island after all, and I’ve somehow managed to get to the age of 38 without obtaining a driving licence. It’s important to remember that good friends are hard to find (and can sometimes drive you to the airport and things.)

6. Hobbies
In the last couple of years, I have revisited the snooker hall that I loved as a teenager, and done an indoor climbing induction course. I also tried taxidermy. All of these things I enjoyed immensely, but for some bizarre reason, I didn’t pursue any further. I want to do more of them in 2019.

7. Less social media
I’m not going to do away with my Instagram and Twitter accounts altogether, but I’d like to use them in a more meaningful way. Probably as a wanking aid.

8. Stop using emojis and smileys
I’ve tried my best, but I just can’t get on with these bloody things. Proper grammar is the way forward, me thinks.

New Year’s Resolutions 2017

People usually make their New Year’s Resolutions in the first few days of January, but real life was put on hold for me at the beginning of 2017 as I was finishing a 4-week trip to Southeast Asia (sorry to brag). I’m usually pretty good at achieving my New Year’s targets—not due to high levels of dedication and motivation, but simply because I’m very stubborn. Also, I set incredibly easy resolutions (avoiding nigh on impossible targets such as “be a better person” or “have sex with a lady”).

Before I kick off my list of goals for the year ahead, here’s a quick recap of last year’s resolutions and how I got on: 1) Quit smoking. Finally managed to kick the habit, to the extent where I’ve since become of those annoying ex-smokers who is completely intolerant towards anyone else who still partakes in puffing away. 2) & 3) Go Straight Edge & Vegan for a month. I managed these (to a certain extent..) during January but didn’t continue any further; it’s a well known fact that blokes need a steady stream of red meat to keep their peckers up and when I became too weak to tie up my shoe laces unassisted, I knew it was time to get back on the bacon sandwiches. 4) Travel more. As mentioned above, I spent Christmas, my birthday and New Year traveling around Vietnam, Laos and Thailand. Sorted!

And now for my ambitions for 2017:

1. Lose the beer belly
In the last few years I’ve started to develop the dreaded paunch, and while I do appreciate the extra insulation, the “dad bod” is not for me. I realised long ago that I will never have a chiselled physique—mainly because I’m a lazy bastard—but even so, I’m not ready yet to be a lazy fat bastard. I aim to reduce the flab with a combination of better diet, more general exercise and less drinking. But I won’t be going to the gym. Fuck that.

2. Go on some small holidays
I’d like to do some smaller trips abroad this year, places I particularly want to see soon include Italy, Russia, Ireland, Iceland, Morocco and Poland. So I’ll probably end up going to Czech Republic instead.

3. Get a pinup tattoo
As I’m rapidly getting my body inked in, I really need to get a tattoo of a pinup girl before I run out of space altogether. Obviously this will need to be a naked pinup girl, so if anyone wants to send me some nudie selfies to base the picture on—that would be much appreciated!

4. Get an echo-friendly pet
I’ve wanted to get a pet for ages now, but due to the chronic lack of space in my home, it’s just not feasible at the moment. As an alternative, I’d like to get some sort of self-sufficient pet that I could keep in the backyard, such as a wormery or a beehive. Hopefully, the bees would behave themselves and not start wreaking havoc and attacking people in the local area.

5. Find a new hobby
Snooker, rock climbing, swimming, drawing—something like that. Basically, a new activity that is fun and doesn’t involve booze.

6. Write more
I would like to write a new blog post each month this year.

New Year’s Resolutions 2015

Here’s my obligatory list of New Year’s resolutions for the next year. New year, new me—and all that bollocks. It’s worth pointing out that this year I won’t be including “sleep with more girls“ or “get more tattoos,“ as these are lifetime missions, and not goals for the next year only.

1. Travel more
There’s so much of the world I want to see, so I’m determined to have at least one exciting holiday each year from now on. Russia, Morocco, Egypt, Iceland, Mexico, Germany, to name but a few.

2. Give up smoking
I’ve wanted to do this for ages now, and I’ve tried (and failed miserably) to quit several times in the past. This time, however, I’m more determined—and I can use the money I save for holiday spending money.

3. Be more healthy
In the last year, I’ve started to develop a beer belly, and this must stop, now! I won’t be joining a gym or doing anything mental like that, but if I generally start living in a more healthy way, that will be a good start. I’ve decided that I won’t be drinking in January and February of 2015 and as already mentioned, I’m knocking the fags on the head altogether. If I start doing some exercise, such as press-ups, sit-ups, jogging, swimming, dancing, etc., and eating better quality food, I’m sure I’ll feel a lot better for it.

4. Go to more gigs
I didn’t go to much live music last year, so I’m going to make the effort to go to more gigs and festivals. I also want to get back into the habit of writing about these experiences for Pennyblackmusic again.

5. Blog more
In addition to writing on a more regular basis for Pennyblackmusic, I intend to keep this blog up-to-date in 2015. Writing is a fun hobby, so I’m going to try not to neglect it this year.

2014 in Review

I normally do a bit of a roundup at the end of each year, bringing attention to the highs (if any) and the numerous lows I’ve undoubtedly encountered over the previous 12 months. This year, I’m feeling too lazy for that (actively remembering stuff becomes such hard work once you turn 34), so instead, I’m just going to refer back to my New Year’s resolutions for 2014 and state whether I actually achieved them or not. Much easier!

1. Sleep with a girl
Did I achieve this? Did I, bollocks! Despite having a good go on OkCupid and exhausting the avenues of Tinder, I’m honestly beginning to think that I’ll never get to do “it” again.

2. Go on holiday
Yes, I did (and I did it in style). I went back to Thailand and Cambodia with the same two reprobates I went away with last year. I met some lovely people, saw a lot of sights, and did a lot of drinking.

3. Get my leg tattoo finished
Yes, I did this one too. My left leg is now filled in from ankle to arse cheek, tattooed by Calypso Saga. More on the way soon!

4. Go swimming
Nope, afraid not. I didn’t even do any swimming on holiday; I just floated around on my back, lazily, like a man made of plastic who is hollow inside and has no soul (which is sort of what I am).

5. Learn to drum
Not properly, but I did make a start by learning to paradiddle with my hands, if that counts?

6. Stay out of the pub
No, not really. I have pretty much stopped going to my local pub in Camberwell, but I’ve also found a new pub in Hackney Road with new barmaids to fall in love with.

7. Do the lottery
Sort of. I did buy five pounds’ worth of scratch cards for a girl at work whose name I’d drawn for Secret Santa. She actually won some money too, but she didn’t share it with me because it was a secret gift-giving exercise.

8. Heal the world
Couldn’t be bothered, maybe next year.

As a final note, if you’d like to read a blog post about 2014 that is actually funny, I’d recommend this one from Tommy 2.0 (which also features a video of me dancing).