Horoscopes… (Horror Scope?)

I don’t usually bother with horoscopes, as I think they’re nonsense. But that’s only because I’m a Capricorn and we’re very skeptical…

I recently looked through a horoscope book—now that I’m 30—and found it not only had a rundown of all the signs, but it also analysed birth dates too. So what did it say about mine, which falls in December?

As a Capricorn, you are pragmatic and practical, but you rarely achieve anything because you are easily distracted.

You are a hard worker and probably have trouble relaxing.

At times, you prefer your own company, though you are very witty.

You have a quiet charm that draws people towards you and makes you popular.

You have a long fuse but a very bad temper when finally provoked.

You have a tendency to be mean.

You have a 9-inch willy.

(Alright, I made the last one up.)

It reads like something out of a psychiatrist’s report, so Capricorns must be the star sign to hang around with then. Obviously, I refute all of it.