Relapse

So I’ve gone off the rails a bit lately, I’m sure you’ve already read. It started around Xmas time – I’m not a big fan of that time of year – so I took a load of pharmaceuticals, just to get through it. Since then I’ve been drinking and smoking too much. ┬áIn addition to that I’ve not really been sleeping or eating very much.

The truth is that I’m not feeling that happy at the moment – but it’s cool – I’ll get through it. Exactly the same thing happened when I was about 20; I think it was a combination of not liking the age I had reached – along with with not enjoying my work – and having no sex-life. There are certain ages in your life that represent milestones where you have to stop and evaluate where you’re at. And if you don’t like what you see, you go a bit crazy for a while.

The pinnacle of this nuttiness was last weekend. Friday night has already been accounted for. Saturday: I went out and that’s as much as I know. I remember I was drinking wine and Scotch indoors beforehand, but that’s about it. I have no idea where I went, how long I stayed out for or how I got home. It’s all a total blank. My first memory was from Sunday morning – I was having a bath and I suddenly noticed it said “RAZZLE” in biro on my shin. I was able to monitor the previous night’s activity to some extent by checking Twitter – but it’s still a bit hazy; possibly I went to a late-night cinema in Soho, maybe I went to the Dogstar at Brixton.

And that has become another part of my daily cycle lately – each morning I have to frantically check Twitter – not to check the latest news, but to find out what madness I posted the night before.

On Sunday I wisely decided it was time for a detox. I went to the BFI/NFT and ended up staying there all day. Watched The Silence of The Lambs, Walkabout and The Man Who Fell to Earth. I can now confirm that David Bowie has bright orange nipples. It was also the BFI’s Gay & Lesbian Season. I was surrounded by some amazingly beautiful lesbians (I fell in love with each and every one of them), but it still didn’t make me happy.

When I got home I started to have a crazy panic attack at about midnight; palpitations in the chest – the full shabam. I started thinking I could see spiders running across the carpet. Scary shit.

So this week – I’ve decided to pull it all together. I’m going to start going to gym again, and maybe start drawing/painting too.

My main problem is that I always feel that I’ve wasted my life. And things like drink, drugs and tattoos don’t represent exciting experiences for me. Those things are normal. But if I could get my sex numbers up – that would be good.

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