Relapse

So I’ve gone off the rails a bit lately, I’m sure you’ve already read. It started around Xmas time – I’m not a big fan of that time of year – so I took a load of pharmaceuticals, just to get through it. Since then I’ve been drinking and smoking too much.  In addition to that I’ve not really been sleeping or eating very much.

The truth is that I’m not feeling that happy at the moment – but it’s cool – I’ll get through it. Exactly the same thing happened when I was about 20; I think it was a combination of not liking the age I had reached – along with with not enjoying my work – and having no sex-life. There are certain ages in your life that represent milestones where you have to stop and evaluate where you’re at. And if you don’t like what you see, you go a bit crazy for a while.

The pinnacle of this nuttiness was last weekend. Friday night has already been accounted for. Saturday: I went out and that’s as much as I know. I remember I was drinking wine and Scotch indoors beforehand, but that’s about it. I have no idea where I went, how long I stayed out for or how I got home. It’s all a total blank. My first memory was from Sunday morning – I was having a bath and I suddenly noticed it said “RAZZLE” in biro on my shin. I was able to monitor the previous night’s activity to some extent by checking Twitter – but it’s still a bit hazy; possibly I went to a late-night cinema in Soho, maybe I went to the Dogstar at Brixton.

And that has become another part of my daily cycle lately – each morning I have to frantically check Twitter – not to check the latest news, but to find out what madness I posted the night before.

On Sunday I wisely decided it was time for a detox. I went to the BFI/NFT and ended up staying there all day. Watched The Silence of The Lambs, Walkabout and The Man Who Fell to Earth. I can now confirm that David Bowie has bright orange nipples. It was also the BFI’s Gay & Lesbian Season. I was surrounded by some amazingly beautiful lesbians (I fell in love with each and every one of them), but it still didn’t make me happy.

When I got home I started to have a crazy panic attack at about midnight; palpitations in the chest – the full shabam. I started thinking I could see spiders running across the carpet. Scary shit.

So this week – I’ve decided to pull it all together. I’m going to start going to gym again, and maybe start drawing/painting too.

My main problem is that I always feel that I’ve wasted my life. And things like drink, drugs and tattoos don’t represent exciting experiences for me. Those things are normal. But if I could get my sex numbers up – that would be good.

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