New Year’s Resolutions 2018

So, it’s just over a year since I didn’t become a better person, which means it must be that time again when I set out my goals for the next 12 months and make my new year’s resolutions.

1. Smoking
4th January (today!) marks the second anniversary since I quit smoking. 2 whole years clear of nicotine. So in 2018 I intend to take up the filthy habit again; only this time increase my daily fag quota to 60-80 cigarettes. Maybe I’ll just start chewing the tobacco raw instead – along with a pinch or two of snuff, maybe I’ll even start hitting the crack pipe like a fiend as well.

2. Drinking
Everyone knows I enjoy a tipple, but I really need to pull my finger out and up my game in this department; wine for breakfast, vodka hidden round the back of the U-bend, miniatures in my socks. That sort of thing. Steady functional alcoholism first, then full-on Oliver Reed mode mode later.

3. Get into More Fights

4. Drugs
I intend to increase my intake of mind-bending hallucinogens and maybe bring some retro drugs back into fashion. Possibly sniffing glue. Perhaps laudanum. Or I could start synthesising my own crystal meth in my (plastic) bathtub…

5. Tattoos
Undecided whether to have all my tattoos removed or fully black myself in. Watch this space!

6. Eat More Carbs and Exercise Less

7. Taxidermy
I tried this in 2017 and really enjoyed the process, so I’d like to do more of this in 2018 – but with more passion and creativity – and extend my skill set; cutting up living things, building furniture out of bones, upholstered in flesh. Or make a face mask out of human skin. I’d also like to keep a woman in a cage. And knitting.

8. Enjoy Nature
I want to wank more in public places.

Happy New Year!

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