How To Grow a Handlebar Moustache
Follow these handy tips and you, too, can grow your very own handlebar moustache *. And I should know because I am an expert in the field.
(*might not work for girls)
Stop shaving your top lip. This sounds obvious, but this is the tricky part and takes dedication. You will feel very silly for a couple of weeks; this is the minimum it will take to grow a proper moustache (i.e not one like Lou Bega). A full handlebar moustache will take at least 6 weeks to grow.
After 2-3 weeks:
Trim the moustache in the middle, along the lower edge – when it starts to hang over your top lip. Otherwise you’ll look like Nietzsche or David Crosby. You can also start combing the moustache in the centre to form a sort of parting.
Like a stroke victim, you will need to learn how to drink liquids from a glass all over again. Guinness is very problematic, but stick with it – you’ll get there!
Start twiddling the ends up. This is probably very unhygienic and will irritate the hell out of everyone around you. You might also need to use wax.
Wait. And wait. And wait.
Step 6 (optional)
When you shave it off, get a tattoo on your finger to remind you how cool you were. Note – this is painful.
If you then start experimenting with other Hulk Hogan/Village People styles of moustache – you know you’ve gone too far and must stop.