Tom Fogarty moustache - 12 weeks

How To Grow a Handlebar Moustache

Follow these handy tips and you, too, can grow your very own handlebar moustache *. And I should know because I am an expert in the field.

(*might not work for girls)

Step 1

Stop shaving your top lip. This sounds obvious, but this is the tricky part and takes dedication. You will feel very silly for a couple of weeks; this is the minimum it will take to grow a proper moustache (i.e not one like Lou Bega). A full handlebar moustache will take at least 6 weeks to grow.

After 2-3 weeks:

Step 2

Trim the moustache in the middle, along the lower edge – when it starts to hang over your top lip. Otherwise you’ll look like Nietzsche or David Crosby. You can also start combing the moustache in the centre to form a sort of parting.

Step 3

Like a stroke victim, you will need to learn how to drink liquids from a glass all over again. Guinness is very problematic, but stick with it – you’ll get there!

Step 4

Start twiddling the ends up. This is probably very unhygienic and will irritate the hell out of everyone around you. You might also need to use wax.

Step 5

Wait. And wait. And wait.

Step 6 (optional)

When you shave it off, get a tattoo on your finger to remind you how cool you were. Note – this is painful.

If you then start experimenting with other Hulk Hogan/Village People styles of moustache – you know you’ve gone too far and must stop.