How Not To Tattoo Yourself
So anyone reading this probably knows I’m a fan of the odd tattoo here and there, and that recently I’ve been doing a few of my own. The results have been mixed at best, but if you need a quick recap:
I was quite pleased with my last attempt (the GG Allin tribute) , but alas, it didn’t last long. After just a few weeks it began to fade fast. This left me with 3 options: 1) Leave it to fade 2) Get a professional to sort it out 3) Have a second attempt myself.
Anyone who knows me well, will know that I had to choose option 3 – even if I would end up making a total mess of it…
I decided to try a coverup – a simple bomb design. My reasons were thus: 1) It reminded me of the Danger Mouse cartoon from my childhood 2) It reminded me of the Bob Ombs from Super Mario Bros. 3) It has significance in Russian criminal tattoo parlance 4) It would be easy to do.
Well, I can say with certitude that it was a magnificent failure. Rather than improving my technique, this turned out to be a lesson in “how not to tattoo”. If you can imagine an episode of Mr Bean, in which Mr Bean attempts to tattoo his heal, that would be pretty near the mark.
At first my stool was too tall; I could only reach the pedal at a stretch. This made me knee jig up and down (and this was to be the surface on which I rested my heal while tattooing).
I decided to sit on the floor instead. I then had to contort my body into a yoga-like pose to reach the spot. The kind of pose you’d have to get in to if you were to try and suck your own dick (not that I’ve tried of course – I wouldn’t do that, honest…).
Then the needle kept snagging in my skin. I shortened the length of the needle and changed the angle at which I was holding it. Then I ran out of ink. After refilling my cap, the tattoo machine stopped working altogether. The coil seemed to stop conducting electricity. Or something. I’ll have to buy another bloody one now.
So here are the (half-finished) results. If I could retract my actions and have an unmarked foot – would I? No way!
With the benefit of hindsight I can now say that my earlier attempts stayed in due to beginner’s luck rather than raw ability. In my defence, however, I’ve since read this information: