Cocktails/Relapse

Sorry if my blogging has made this week sound like an absolute shitballs experience… But as hard as I try to paint a bleak picture, sometimes words cannot accurately describe the lunacy of my life. And I don’t say that in a whacky “let’s go mental and be crazy-cool” kind of way; I say that in a “let’s go on a dirty protest and smear the walls with shit” kind of way. In fact, had I not blogged tonight, you’d have probably thought I’d committed suicide or something.

Of course I jest – not about the madness (that’s completely the truth, under-emphasised if anything) – but I do joke about the self-loathing. I don’t begrudge the insanity one bit; if I had a normal life, surrounded by ordinary, bland characters – I would probably be locked away by now. The truth is, I love to be surrounded by chaos, and nonsense is my bag, baby.

Tonight after work, I was stood at a cashpoint in Waterloo and a grotesquely obese woman stood next to me. She didn’t say anything; just stood there, looking blankly ahead. She had a black cotton skirt on. She then pissed herself and walked away. It was like Niagra Falls. Only heavier.

I’ve gone off the rails a bit this week. I’ve drunk way too much (without actually getting that drunk), smoked too much (cigaretes, not fatty boom batties), and at the same time, not really eating or sleeping very much. Each morning when I’ve got up – I’ve not really had a hangover – but I’ve felt really ashamed and bewildered. I’m sure it’s just a phase I’m going through.

This morning I woke at about 6am and had “the fear”. And I mean really had the fear. It lasted until about midday.

After work today, I went out to the 2-for-1 cocktail night in the pub with a couple of work mates. I didn’t stay long – had 2 Long Island Iced Teas and a Gin Fizz. Long Island Iced Teas contain just about every spirit behind the bar, and a dash of coco-cola. And Gin Fizzes contain some gin and some fizzy stuff. I’m not really a cocktail drinker but I do like a Bloody Mary or a Rusty Nail now and again (neither of which were on the menu).

I left the pub early, stone-cold sober and considerably poorer, and now I type this.

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