Movember Woe

I spent most of November trying to grow a moustache for Movember, which has become the norm for me at this time of the year but it didn't go as well as expected this time around. This is mainly my fault as I started 10 days late, so by midway through the month I was still looking alarmingly similar to Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins in the 90s. Even towards the end of November I was still looking like a Jewish teenager on the cusp of puberty, and was having to hurry past the playground on my walk to work to avoid being mistaken for a sex offender (although this happens to me even sans moustache in fairness). I began to panic at one stage - fearing I may have developed mange - as my facial hair seems to be on the decline rather than improving with age. But, as with the hair on my head, maybe my facial follicles are just too apathetic to grow now. Possibly I'm allergic to having hair. What if all hair - anywhere on the body - just hates me and wants to piss me off? (Here's me at around the 14th and the results at this point, are pathetic, as you can see.) Another problem I found - was that people just don't seem to be that impressed by Movember in any more, and maybe for good reason; as although it's a very worthwhile cause, growing a moustache isn't that big of a deal anymore - why would you expect people to donate money simply for growing some facial hair on your top lip? Furthermore, working in Hackney Road in East London - anyone with a moustache could be taking in this charitable cause, or they could just be your standard Hipster tosser trying to be cool - it's very hard to tell. Or they could be one of the feral rat-people that you often see, gurning and scurrying around in the area (I'll talk more about The Feral Rat-People of Hackney Rd in another blog post soon). If I take part next year, I will have to do something bold if I want to make any impact and raise some dosh - so potentially a Hitler moustache would do the job... Until then, here's the link to my Movember 2017 page: Tom Fogarty - Movember 2017 Donation Page

List Mania 11: October Horror Films

October was a quiet month for me, so I decided to use my free time constructively and watched as many horror films as possible in the build up to Halloween. I've reviewed them here, because I'm a bit OCD like that (and a bit of a dirty fucking pagan). Revenge of Billy The Kid British horror film from the 80s about a farmer who shags a goat, that subsequently goes on to give birth to a mutant goat-human hybrid that kills everyone in brutal ways. Lost Highway Brilliantly dark film noir from David Lynch about a musician who goes mental and murders his wife after seeing her shagging Marilyn Manson in a snuff porno film. The film also features Patricia Arquette's massive, naked knockers bouncing around. Recommended! Howard The Duck A duck from outer space crash lands on earth and saves our planet from a smelly, rampaging demon. If that's not mad enough, the duck then shags a human woman, adding bestiality into the mix for good measure. Prince of Darkness Alice Cooper becomes a zombie after the dark lord himself turns up from within a mirror in a church. Or something like that. Straw Dogs Savage film about a farm siege in the British countryside, following a vicious rape. Cheery stuff. Return of The Living Dead Funny zombie film from the late 80s. Good punk rock soundtrack too. Texas Chainsaw Massacre Classic and completely bonkers. Still packs a punch today even though this was made in the 70s. Not of This Earth Amazing alien movie starring former porn star, Traci Lords. And she gets them out too. Big Trouble in Little China Best. Film. Of. All. Time. Nightmare on Elm Street 2 & 3 The best sequels in this creepy franchise. Part 2 has a kinky, gay S&M vibe, Part 3 is set in a nuthouse. The Blob (remake) Not about a bird on her period, but some alien goop that arrives on earth to kill us all. Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, The Young Ones (Video Nasty episode) & Bottom (Halloween episode) Funny horror-themes episodes of these cult TV shows. Scanners Watch this film if you want to see a tramp explode a man's head using the power of his mind. They Live Late wrestler, Rowdy Roddie Piper (late as in dead, as opposed to sleeping through his morning alarm), stars as a tramp who discovers an alien conspiracy that secretly controls America. The Thing Kurt Russel on an Arctic research base burning everyone with a flamethrower as they become infected by an alien life form. Street Trash More killer tramps to keep you entertained. Evil Dead & Evil Dead 2 The best zombie films of all time. Groovy. The Exorcist A young girl get possessed by the devil and masturbates with a crucifix. Antichrist Among the many highlights here, a mad woman bashes her husband's dick with a log then wanks him off till he ejaculates blood. Also, she cuts off her clit with scissors. Tales From The Crypt Classic British horror anthology. I Spit on Your Grave (remake) Absolute tripe. The original, however, is one of the best video nasties ever (but definitely not for the faint-hearted or easily-offended). Night of The Demon Another video nasty. Boring. Zombie Flesh Eaters Features a zombie fighting a shark and someone getting stabbed in the eyeball. Toxic Avenger & Toxic Avenger 4 Funny and gory super hero series from Troma Studios. Nightmare City Wacky Italian zombie movie, love it! Blue Velvet Another highly atmospheric film noir from David Lynch, but without Patricia Arquette's boobs. Alien Slightly overrated in my opinion. Watch The blob or Not of This Earth instead. Dr Terror House of Horrors Another classic British horror anthology. A bit like they do in The Simpsons every Halloween. The Hitcher Dark chiller about a murderous hitchhiker chasing a young lad around. eXistenZe Jude Law and Jennifer Jason Leigh play virtual reality video games until they die. Actually much better than I've made it sound. Dr Jekyll & Sister Hyde Would have been better if there were more tits really. Countess Dracula Same as above. Shame... Halloween The best slasher film of all time.