11 February, 2012

Dark Arts

Filed under: London Life, Photos — Tags: , , , , , — spiderwebdesign @ 14:34

This is a bit late (but only by about 9 months), so I thought I’d share it anyway.

Back in June I went to the Modern Panic Exhibition. It was held at The Old Abattoir in Clerkenwell, and featured some very creepy pieces. Some of the artists included tattooist Alex Binnie, and “Britain’s mosts dangerous prisoner“, Charles Bronson. The atmosphere of the surroundings really enhanced the work on display, and I felt genuinely uneasy as I was walking around. It was probably the best exhibition I’ve ever attended (my previous favourite being the Sensations exhibition back in the 90s, featuring Damien Hirst, Tracy Emin et al).

A while back I was banging on on here about getting an exhibition together called Dark Side. Well nothing I could throw together could ever be as interesting or well executed as this, so I’m knocking that idea on the head!

I remember a few years ago I went to the Francis Bacon exhibition at Tate Britain; I took the Chinese bit of fluff that I was seeing at the time. I really enjoyed it, but she was completely appalled by the disturbing scenes of twisted faces, mutilated animals and crippled infants. This surprised me a lot as I thought that was the kind of stuff they normally eat for dinner? Surprisingly, we were only going out for a short time – but even in that short time, I’ll never forgive her for not giving me a blowjob.

Anyway, enjoy the art:

5 February, 2012

Lucozade Bukake

Filed under: Funny Stories, Smut/Filth — Tags: , , , — spiderwebdesign @ 15:47

A couple of months ago a work colleague showed me a picture at his Macbook. He was on the Lucozade website (no idea why), where they have a page featuring their products. As soon as I saw the picture, we both started laughing hysterically for about ten minutes. Then we continued to snigger for about an hour. After that I was laughing inside for the rest of the day.

Was it just us, or does this look suspiciously like gay porn?

If I had better photoshop skills I’d quite like to doctor this photo a little, but it’s not really necessary; it still suggests a homosexual facial cum shot to me.

Even the slogan sounds charged with innuendo to me: “Whatever you’re packing for, we’ve got it covered…”

I  work a for a direct digital marketing company (or something like that). I think we do websites, mail drops, and campaigns for charities – but I’m really not to sure to be honest. Possibly some of the charities we work for save African babies, and I think another is dedicated to stopping farmers piling bricks up on donkeys. The finer details elude me. Anyway, we have creative briefs where concepts are thrown around before we start any actual work on sites/campaigns. I’m just wondering the thought process that led to the team over at Lucozade deciding a photo mimicking an excited gay receiving a heavy faceful of jizz would be a good way to promote their product?

Even if I’ve got their campaign logic wrong – and there is no gay porn symbolism here – why would anyone want to squirt sticky lucozade in their face. I’d personally opt for the jism instead…

PS. If you’re not sure what “bukake”, I don’t recommend googling it at work…

28 January, 2012

GG Allin Funeral

Filed under: Music, RIP, Video, Woe — Tags: , — spiderwebdesign @ 16:54

This week I’m heading up to Staffordshire for a family funeral on Monday. I’m not really looking forward to it and it’ll be odd to see my family after so many years, but still, at least I’ll get a day off work on Monday.

Rather than dwell on my own boring affairs, here’s a run down of rock icon GG Allin’s funeral:

GG died on 3rd July 1993 following a heroin overdose. His final show on the previous night had ended in a mini-riot, culminating in GG stampeding down the street throwing dustbins while being chased by the police. He was totally naked and covered in his own blood and shit. Plenty of footage from this can be found on the internet, or in the excellent DVD, Hated: GG Allin.

GG had an open coffin at his wake, and his body was not cleaned up – still bloodied and caked in excrement. He was wearing a leather jacket, cowboy boots and a jockstrap. Nothing else. Fans placed drugs and alcohol around him, and his brother Merle placed earphones on him, blasting out tunes from the Suicide Sessions, recorded some years earlier.

Classy do.

Here’s a clip from it, enjoy!

July 3rd 1993

22 January, 2012

I love Primark

Filed under: Funny Stories — Tags: , — spiderwebdesign @ 13:10

Had to go out clothes shopping yesterday, and I hate clothes shopping. That’s why I go around dressed like a complete tramp most of the time. I also hate washing and ironing, but that’s a separate issue. If I want to make a bold statement about my appearance, I’d prefer to get a tattoo than buy a new pair of jeans.

Some of my pants are so old, it’s only the stubborn under-stains holding them together *

To make things more complicated, the clothes I needed to get were for a funeral next week. Luckily, my family are an odd lot and they want the event to be fun, rather than some dour occasion. I toyed with the idea of getting a Dracula costume from the fancy dress shop, but then realised this might be a tad inappropriate. Mainly because they’ve ruled out black – only bright colours will be allowed.

Interestingly, they’ve also chosen to go for a woven basket coffin, and no wreaths are to be bought. Instead we have to thread flowers through the weaves of the coffin. Presumably after that we’ll all sacrifice a goat, drink it’s blood, and then dance around naked, like fools.

All sounds a bit like The Wicker Man for my liking. Well I’m not going to touch the coffin, no fucking way.

Anyway, back to the shopping: too utterly confound my troubles, I decided to do it in Bromley – i.e Chav Central. At one point I got “the fear” and almost started crying whilst walking through the busy Glades Shopping Centre. Luckily I grew a pair, and instead of having a breakdown – marched into Primark. There, I was able to buy a pair of bright red chinos, 2 pairs of jeans and a tie – all for £30. That should fix me up nicely for next 10 years or so.

Bet I never wear the tie though.

* I stole this line from Vyvyan in The Young Ones, circa 1984.

19 January, 2012

RIP Joana and The Wolf (and Auntie Lilly)

Filed under: Announcements, Music, Video — Tags: , — spiderwebdesign @ 21:30

Sad new this week. Last week my aunt died. She was called Lilly and she was 83. She lived in Birmingham or somewhere like that. Hadn’t seen her for about 14 years, since my nan’s funeral in fact.

Sadder still, I found out that my favourite band, Joana and The Wolf split up on 30th December. And shortly before that – a few weeks earlier – my other favourite band, Grinderman announced that they were going to call it a day: http://pitchfork.com/news/44873-grinderman-its-over

I remember getting hooked on JATW after the first time I saw them – at a screening of An American Werewolf in London a few years ago. Since then I’ve seen them loads of times. They played a lot of free gigs, you see.

People usually haven’t heard of them, but when they hear the name tend to assume they were a Florence and The Machine/Jonah and The Whale clone, but this is not the case. JATW were far better than either of those bands, and started out before them.

At one time I was going to do their website, but it never happened in the end. The drummer always used to say hello to me before their gigs though, which I thought was nice.

I’ve dragged most of my mates to see them (mainly Chris and Paul), and everyone who’s seen them has enjoyed their music. Or possibly they were just being polite. I wish I could have taken Lauren to see them. And Crystal and Gennaro too.

And it’s a real pity they never released an album.

Here are some clips of them not taken by me):

This was at Secret Garden Party 2011. I was just out of shot, stage right, going off my tits on Ecstasy and MDMA. I was also wearing wellies. I had a great time!

This was at Koko a couple of years ago. If you squint to the left of the stage you might just be able to spot me; I was trying (unsuccessfully) to make a girl called Diana fall in love with me. Later that night, I got “the fear” and went completely spastic on the night bus.

Here they are at Favela Chic, round the corner from where I work. I was at this gig too, and got very drunk. On my way home I lost my oyster card on the tube, then had a fist fight with the ticket man at the other end. I tried to vault over the gates, but mangled my legs and ended up sprawled on the floor.

Here are some of my other blog posts about them:

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/joana-wolf-koko-gig/

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/secret-garden-party-2011-roundup/

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/joana-wolf-secret-garden-party/

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/joana-wolf/

15 January, 2012

Ted Hankey the Christmas Poo (and his tattoo)

Filed under: Funny Stories, Photos — Tags: , , — spiderwebdesign @ 12:18

Yesterday, flabby bald darts cunt, Ted Hankey, got knocked out of the BDO semi-finals, complaining about the air conditioning. Well he should try playing a game in our office then. Although I doubt he would; he’d only start complaining about the laminated flooring, or the poofy wallpaper in the gents’ toilets or something. And the four flights of stairs would kill him for sure. We do have a darts board though.

After the defeat, he announced his departure from the BDO, which undoubtedly means he’ll be swapping leagues and playing for the Barry Hearn’s PDC next season. “The Count” would then have the opportunity to change his nickname, possibly to “Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo”, or simply, “The Cunt”.

Having a look through Google Analytics yesterday, I noticed that someone had found this blog from searching on The Sun’s Website for “Ted Hankey Tattoo” : http://www.thesun.co.uk/search/searchAction.do%3bjsessionid=6789EE16292065AE3C858E9AC8B04D8E?query=ted+hankey+tattoo&pubName=sol&view=internal&sortBy=relevance&offset=3

Well, I hope they like what they found!

Here’s a picture of Ted Hankey getting a tattoo, which can be found here. It’s a tattoo of the Bride of Dracula, which he got at Pyscho Tattoos in Kinmel Bay. A classy tattoo for a classy bloke. Imaginatively, the article is called “Darts champion Ted Hankey gets tattoo in Kinmel Bay”, so it’s a very rare combination where you get to see high quality journalism, sublime art, and top-notch sport – all rolled in to one.

Hopefully someone will find this website via The Sun website again soon, this time searching for “flabby bald darts cunt Ted Hankey”.

1 January, 2012

Trolling!

Filed under: Film, Funny Stories, Random — Tags: , , , — spiderwebdesign @ 16:21

For me, 2011 was the year of the troll.

For anyone who doesn’t know what the phrase means (apart from being an ugly slow-witted beastie), in internet parlance it’s anyone who causes trouble online. People that lurk in chat rooms, posting nonsense to wind up others – those are trolls. People that send emails marked as “highest priority” (even though they’re actually not) – those are trolls too.

I didn’t realise until this year, that I’m actually a massive troll; generally on facebook and twitter, arguing in threads with anything my friends say – just for the sake of it.

Here’s a brilliant example of someone “trolling” internet dating sites, very funny stuff: http://www.pocketfives.com/f13/dating-site-trolling-640200/

Then I saw the film Troll Hunter, released in 2011, and the word started to mean much more:

Based on the film, “trolling” is simply to catch trolls. Therefore in my lingo, chatting up birds (particularly rough ones), is to go “trolling” or to be a troll hunter.

The word seems to have expanded and can take many forms – the only way to understand it’s meaning fully, is to appreciate the context in which it’s used. This means you have to be able to follow the logic inside my head, with is no mean feat. It’s a bit sloppy to use language in this way though; a bit like when the smurfs use the word “smurfy” interchangeably to represent whatever they happen to be thinking at the time: “Hey Smurfette, I’m feeling totally smurfy today!“.

Little blue cunts.

“Troll” is such a funny word though (to be at least).

And this is the appropriate response when you see a troll:

29 December, 2011

2011 in Retrospect

Filed under: List Mania!, Music, Photos — Tags: , , , , , , , , — spiderwebdesign @ 16:19

Looking back over the year, I’ve had quite a good one. Scanning over last year’s 2011 resolutions – basically the same list every bloody year – I’ve ticked a few of them off in the last 12 months.

Here are some of the bits and bobs I’ve done this year (some good, some not so good):

Spent a week in Barcelona in a hostel, getting sun burnt and wasted.

Went to 3 music festivals – Primavera in Spain, ATP: Nightmare Before Xmas (at Butlins!) and Secret Garden Party – which I actually went to on my own (for bonus points).

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/primavera-sound-2011-part-1-videos

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/secret-garden-party-2011-roundup

I saw Bob Dylan and The Cranberries at The Feis.

I went to see Chas & Dave’s farewell gig (the gig was so successful, the bastards promptly reformed the following month):

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/chas-n-dave-gig

I got a new job – web developer for a digital agency: Whitewater. 3 rounds of interviews and 2 tests, quite proud of that one.

I then won the “Cockup of The Month” award at work – one month after starting.

I started writing for a music rag – Penny Black Music. Check out my reviews/interviews here.

I had some attractive couch-surfers from Sweden and America stay at my flat – and I didn’t even attempt to shag or molest them or anything.

I got a couple of tattoos done (well, 9 to be exact). One of them was done by Chad Koeplinger.

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/russian-criminal-owl-tattoo

I saw Grinderman before they announced they’re splitting.

I went into a bookie’s and placed a bet on a horse.

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/betcha

I went to see Joana and The Wolf (on several occasions), and went completely spastic at Koko.

http://tomfogarty.com/blog/joana-wolf-koko-gig

I designed a few new freelance websites.

I saw Big Trouble in Little China and The Evil Dead trilogy at the cinema (yes, I think that’s something worth mentioning).

I did a hell of a lot of “trolling”.

I grew a moustache and raised some money for Movember.

I jumped into a freezing lake to save a drowning child and then resuscitated him (ok, this one is a lie – but the list was getting quite thin).

And that’s about it. My favourite new films of the year were Troll Hunter and Hobo With a Shotgun.

And finally, here are some pictures of me getting drunk at the work summer party – included for no other reason than it was a fun day:

5 December, 2011

Hi-de-Hi Campers!

Filed under: Music — Tags: , , , — spiderwebdesign @ 21:01

I’m going on holiday to Butlins this weekend in Somerset. For anyone not in the UK, Butlins are those cheap and cheerful holiday camps that sprang up here after the war. They provided kiss-me-quick fun and light saucy entertainment. And Somerset is the place where they milk cows, drink scrumpy cider and mainly eat apples.

Then around the 70s international travel became more affordable and the Brits went abroad to get pissed on their holidays. So Butlins died.

These days Butlins has become the site of music festivals off-season, which is what I’m going to. The Event is called The Nightmare Before Christmas, and details can be found here.

Bands playing include Battles, Caribou and erm… Gary Numan! Best of all though, is that I get to stay in a chalet instead of a shitty tent.

I hope it’ll be as good as this (but I know it won’t be).

This clip is taken from the excellent Rita, Sue and Bob Too. The band playing is Black Lace (who were a real 80s pop band)

3 December, 2011

The Pussy Cat Song

Filed under: Smut/Filth — Tags: , , , , — spiderwebdesign @ 17:18

I like cats, me. I also like innuendo, but I’ve always found a phrase “pussy” to be a bit crass. That’s why I tend to say “minge” instead.

This song, however, is all about “pussy” and is genuinely very funny. It’s called The Pussy Cat song and was written by Bob and Tom. Although I have no idea who they are.

I found it while I was googling for “minge”. (N.B: This is a lie; I heard it being played at the cinema why I was waiting to see Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! by John Waters)